The Melbourne Storm will overhaul their roster after exiting the top eight for the first time in 92 rounds.
The decision follows the humiliation of the club’s atrociously reasonable 2-3 record and the failure to defend their premiership before the Origin period.
Powerbrokers met for crisis talks following another routine defeat to the Wests Tigers on Saturday, a loss that plunged the Storm out of the finals positions for the first time since 2014, leaving only 21 measly rounds to somehow salvage their season.
The club has endured a traumatic week in the lower socio-economic wilderness of the bottom eight, an unfamiliar world of existential dilemma where drifters and vagabonds freely prostitute themselves to Brian Smith.
After experiencing life within earshot of forlorn clubs talking swap deals for Robbie Farah, the club was left with no option but to sack its galaxy of ably-fit premiership stars.
The move will form part of the administration’s new strategy to “look to the future” with a fresh ‘Big Four’, which is tipped to consist of Cameron Smith’s three kids and Todd Carney on-the-cheap after his next indiscretion.
Storm officials are confident a full rebuild can bring closure to one of the organisation’s most arduous chapters, a period described by one official as “a pretty tough 72 hours.”
He also declared a destroyed playing list will restore the club’s image as one renowned for “mortgaging a position at the top table, no matter the paperwork involved.”
Coach Craig Bellamy immediately threw his support behind the administration’s decision, echoing the Storm’s ails being a “whole of team” issue by promptly dropping Brodie Croft.
Exclusive access to his Google history also proves he remains in good spirits about the current season, revealing searches such as ‘how to siege mentality’, ‘honesty session’ and ‘gumtree halfback’.
In addition, Bellamy will embark on a fact-finding mission to help prevent his club’s evolution as a perennially mediocre also-ran, beginning by studying professional ninth place side Canberra and doing the exact opposite.
Additionally, he will also seek legal advice on whether Cooper Cronk’s engagement is an illegal TPA.