Melbourne Storm in crisis: Rebuild planned after plummeting to ninth

Dane Eldridge Columnist

By Dane Eldridge, Dane Eldridge is a Roar Expert

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    The Melbourne Storm will overhaul their roster after exiting the top eight for the first time in 92 rounds.

    The decision follows the humiliation of the club’s atrociously reasonable 2-3 record and the failure to defend their premiership before the Origin period.

    Powerbrokers met for crisis talks following another routine defeat to the Wests Tigers on Saturday, a loss that plunged the Storm out of the finals positions for the first time since 2014, leaving only 21 measly rounds to somehow salvage their season.

    The club has endured a traumatic week in the lower socio-economic wilderness of the bottom eight, an unfamiliar world of existential dilemma where drifters and vagabonds freely prostitute themselves to Brian Smith.

    After experiencing life within earshot of forlorn clubs talking swap deals for Robbie Farah, the club was left with no option but to sack its galaxy of ably-fit premiership stars.

    The move will form part of the administration’s new strategy to “look to the future” with a fresh ‘Big Four’, which is tipped to consist of Cameron Smith’s three kids and Todd Carney on-the-cheap after his next indiscretion.

    Storm officials are confident a full rebuild can bring closure to one of the organisation’s most arduous chapters, a period described by one official as “a pretty tough 72 hours.”

    He also declared a destroyed playing list will restore the club’s image as one renowned for “mortgaging a position at the top table, no matter the paperwork involved.”

    Coach Craig Bellamy immediately threw his support behind the administration’s decision, echoing the Storm’s ails being a “whole of team” issue by promptly dropping Brodie Croft.

    Exclusive access to his Google history also proves he remains in good spirits about the current season, revealing searches such as ‘how to siege mentality’, ‘honesty session’ and ‘gumtree halfback’.

    In addition, Bellamy will embark on a fact-finding mission to help prevent his club’s evolution as a perennially mediocre also-ran, beginning by studying professional ninth place side Canberra and doing the exact opposite.

    Additionally, he will also seek legal advice on whether Cooper Cronk’s engagement is an illegal TPA.

    Dane Eldridge
    Dane Eldridge

    Dane was named best and fairest in the 2004 Bathurst mixed indoor cricket competition. With nothing in the game left to achieve, he immediately retired at his peak to a reclusive life ensconced in the velvet of organised contests. Catch the man on Twitter @eld2_0.

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    The Crowd Says (28)

    • April 13th 2018 @ 7:14am
      kk said | April 13th 2018 @ 7:14am | ! Report

      Dane, Absolutely brilliant.

      “in the lower socio-economic wilderness of the bottom eight” is worthy of an honorary degree
      in English literature at MIT.

      That hallowed hall of learning may also be of interest to the Storm hierarchy. MIT may assist
      in a 3 year rebuild being completed in 2, thereby minimising the bellyache all round.

      Incidentally Lot 22 sold for $800,000. I will follow his career with much interest.

      • Columnist

        April 13th 2018 @ 8:19am
        Dane Eldridge said | April 13th 2018 @ 8:19am | ! Report

        I do it all for the mighty Kariong Kookaburra!

    • April 13th 2018 @ 8:03am
      Paul said | April 13th 2018 @ 8:03am | ! Report

      Do you reckon they’d take on the Carney, the epitome of the hoi polloi? I’m sure there must be another high brow half out there some where, maybe one of Billy’s kids? Bring JT down from T’ville and make it a real Qld affair.

      • Columnist

        April 13th 2018 @ 8:33am
        Dane Eldridge said | April 13th 2018 @ 8:33am | ! Report

        Excellent question, Paul, and one I pondered deeply before posting. Carney is definitely hoi polloi, Melbourne’s crisis is faux. Can it fester to the point of his recruitment? Watch this space.

    • April 13th 2018 @ 8:42am
      Duncan Smith said | April 13th 2018 @ 8:42am | ! Report

      Melbourne are still leading the premiership,but remotely through its ex-players at different clubs – Widdop, Blair, Harris, Green etc, and are also in the top eight through Cronk and Inglis etc. This is puppet-master Bellamy’s “Melbourne Two”, and a source of great comfort to him now that Melbourne One has slipped to ninth.

      • Columnist

        April 13th 2018 @ 8:49am
        Dane Eldridge said | April 13th 2018 @ 8:49am | ! Report

        Duncan, this is the kinda logic that makes this site so grand. Bellamy’s hordes of formers also extend to his thousands of one-time assistant coaches that have permeated the league. Its like his own little parliament

        • April 15th 2018 @ 8:45am
          bazza200 said | April 15th 2018 @ 8:45am | ! Report

          Well BA is meaning that he is also operating at the bottom of the ladder as well

      • Roar Guru

        April 13th 2018 @ 12:37pm
        The Barry said | April 13th 2018 @ 12:37pm | ! Report

        That’s brilliant thinking Dunc.

        This season might not be a write off after all.

        Graham at the Dragons, Blake Green at the Warriors, Reynolds and Thompson at the Tigers, bit skinny at the Panthers but we can claim Tim Browne.

        Vicarious rugby league supporting…I’ll be Big J’ing it in no time !

        • April 13th 2018 @ 2:16pm
          Duncan Smith said | April 13th 2018 @ 2:16pm | ! Report

          Graham still wears blue and white undies beneath his shorts, TB. Go the St George bulldogs.

        • Roar Guru

          April 13th 2018 @ 5:57pm
          BigJ said | April 13th 2018 @ 5:57pm | ! Report

          No Barry you won’t be Big J’ing as you said as yet again you miss the big picture. I support teams based on their history of the club, underdog status and their location not whom plays for them I’m not a player follower. Again you have your blue and white bulldog blinkers on as you are going to follow the other teams due to the former bulldogs players not the clubs. Again you miss the big picture. Nice try though

        • Roar Guru

          April 13th 2018 @ 7:36pm
          BigJ said | April 13th 2018 @ 7:36pm | ! Report

          No you won’t Barry. With your blue and white Bulldogs blinkers on, you have no hope on understanding the bigger picture

      • Roar Rookie

        April 13th 2018 @ 2:01pm
        Dogs Boddy said | April 13th 2018 @ 2:01pm | ! Report

        Gold Duncan, absolute gold.

    • April 13th 2018 @ 10:34am
      uglykiwi said | April 13th 2018 @ 10:34am | ! Report

      Not sure Cronk will be in top 8 for long!

      Roosters looking to sign Nathan Brown

      • Columnist

        April 13th 2018 @ 10:50am
        Dane Eldridge said | April 13th 2018 @ 10:50am | ! Report

        Is that the maniac forward or the crass comedian?

    • Roar Guru

      April 13th 2018 @ 10:53am
      DingoGray said | April 13th 2018 @ 10:53am | ! Report

      It’s won’t take a rebuild…..

      Just a review of Profit & Loss statement. Just carry a couple a brown paper bags and you will find it all BALANCE OUT!

    • April 13th 2018 @ 11:13am
      BBA said | April 13th 2018 @ 11:13am | ! Report

      Finally someone who gets it without having to resort to hyperbole. Keep on keeping it real

      • Columnist

        April 13th 2018 @ 11:34am
        Dane Eldridge said | April 13th 2018 @ 11:34am | ! Report

        Thanks BBA, I live to communicate nude facts

      • Columnist

        April 13th 2018 @ 3:35pm
        Tim Gore said | April 13th 2018 @ 3:35pm | ! Report

        BBA, you can have my hyperbowl when you pry it from my cold dead hands.

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