Are you suffering symptoms of aching, envy and aimless fifth tackles? You could be a victim of James Maloney Regret.
James Maloney Regret (JMR) is a debilitating emotional disorder that has reached epidemic proportions, now hampering almost one in four rugby league clubs in the Asia-Pacific region.
Once a rare affliction like Water Allergy or Dave Taylor Regret, reported cases of JMR have accelerated in recent years as the passe five-eighth continually proves he is not passe.
The Sutherland Shire currently finds itself in the grip of a particularly nasty outbreak, with sufferers identifiable by the condition’s chief symptom of spewin’.
Infection of JMR occurs when Maloney is deemed expendable despite being an unfiltered genius who brings mojo and premierships to your failing club for the first time in years.
(AAP Image/Michael Chambers)
Fooled by his laidback attitude, poor hygiene and modest rig, the playmaker is cast off in the belief he is a fair swap with someone like Matt Moylan, despite one being proven and the other being Moylan.
When Maloney predictably invigorates his new employer with the same effectively annoying crap he was producing when you punted him, JMR begins to take hold.
However, the worst of the condition is not experienced until a stage where it is reversible only by money.
Full onset will include denial, radical backline shuffles, then sucking a thumb in a crawlspace while repeating the five-eighth’s missed tackle stats from a Big League magazine.
Deluded sufferers will also experience ideations of blaming the salary cap before remembering acquiring Josh Dugan using money.
The most effective manner for remaining vigilant of JMR is to remain inside your non-Maloney malaise by avoiding him at all costs or by trapping him inside a jar, punching some holes in the top and forcing him to remain on a 15-year lease.
Extrapolating Maloney’s club-hopping, it forecasts three quarters of the developed world and Super League will be affected by the turn of the century. It also predicts he’ll win his second premiership for Cronulla sometime in the 2030s, so it’s definitely legit.
So at the first signs of remorse and a lack in line breaks, make sure you’re not Mitchell Moses, and see a doctor immediately.
The Jackson Topine lawsuit raises issues of significant importance for player welfare and the duty of care owed to players by NRL clubs. In…
Both Trent Robinson and Shane Flanagan have weighed into the debate on concussions and kick-offs after Mosese Suli's horror knockout in the first play…
What a talented man Greg Marzhew is!
Having a week off to recharge their batteries during the bye did nothing to stop South Sydney’s season from hell descending further into the…
After Melbourne's 34-point win over Souths, the Storm five-eighth gave an update on how his body's been travelling after his return from injury. He…
