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Following a review of their salary cap, the Bulldogs are on track to re-enter the player market in just under a thousand years.
In encouraging news for fans and their descendants, the club will specifically target players in the year 3000, when $60 billion becomes available after the final year of Greg Eastwood’s deal.
The Bulldogs plan to bide the interim centuries saving $50 a week for a significant war chest, with a view to splurge on some outside backs or anyone with distant ancestors that are yet to be born.
They are also said to be seeking playmakers with ‘safe hands’, even though mankind’s thumbs will probably have evolved to smart devices by then.
But despite the excitement, the Bulldogs solemnly conceded a ‘minor recruitment freeze’ will remain for the next 80-odd decades.
The club has pleaded with fans to show patience through the spending shutdown, warning there could be a couple of tricky centuries as they rebuild the rubble caused by their own odious attitude towards salary planning.
But while they have acknowledged fears the year 3000 may be a long time away, the club has confirmed it has a five-year plan in place, based mainly on players killing as much time as possible walking to the sin bin.
As reported this week, the Bulldogs have only $800,000 available for 14 players next year, an amount they have already set aside for one more quiet rep prop.
(Photo by Will Russell/Getty Images)
The messy situation was brought about thanks to a raft of appallingly negotiated contracts under the previous administration, including one for Kieran Foran so heavily back-ended he will be paid $1 million posthumously.
The new board believes they have pinpointed the reasons for the disaster, blaming economic trends stemming from modern society’s helpless addiction to a consumerism fad fuelled by extreme capitalism and a rampant free market underpinned by toxic western ideals, and Des Hasler.
While administrators have worked tirelessly to shuffle the deckchairs in the hope of respite, they were surprisingly unable to rebalance the $5 million black hole by releasing Moses Suli.
In the thousand-year holding pattern, the club plans to plug holes with Hughes brothers, or release the Morris twins unless they agree to play for free into the afterlife.
The NRL has threatened a range of sanctions for the club’s financial misappropriation, including paying their next grant in iTunes vouchers, or handing control to someone with more rugby league nous, like a Qatari businessman.
They will also seek to penalise current and former employees involved, with previous CEO Raelene Castle to be slapped with range of punishments in addition to her role at Rugby Australia.