These days, I prefer to list those who aren’t in contention for Blues selection, just because I’d like to see my baby son again before he’s 35.
For those not lucky enough to be included in the inner sanctum of a 5000-plus provisional squad, New South Wales Origin speculation is now conducted like an online Nigerian email scam, just with less nuance.
The net is cast far and wide – mostly by nefarious individuals with dreadful syntax – leaving crude advances in the inboxes of everyone except those obviously not under consideration, like Lady Gaga, Santa Claus and Jarryd Hayne.
To provide some perspective, the Earth continues to spin in 2018 mainly thanks to NSW swiping right so frequently. Even you are in contention, and if you didn’t request an exemption on the last census, be warned – you may be conscripted.
Nobody is immune, not even Canberrans. That’s because we’ve also annexed the ACT. Sure, it sounds like a dick move, but it’s not as disingenuous as Queensland claiming Earth but still picking the same team for a decade.
So please be aware; NSW promises to continue earmarking one million back-rowers every year, even if we run out of human beings.
NSW Blues captain Boyd Cordner. (AAP Image/Dan Peled)
That’s because when it comes to clientele, this state rivals the Commonwealth Bank for selecting stiffs. One look at the last decade indicates that, much like the evil financial juggernaut, you don’t even really need to be alive to be charged with selection.
But despite the strategy bearing obvious fruit, mass intake can have adverse effects.
It encourages vague rationale for combinations (‘there’s cohesion; both played together in juniors’, or ‘both vote for The Shooters Party’), and in extreme cases, can spark an influx of Commonwealth Games athletes.
So while a larger pool does gift a greater choice of sackings, the problem eventually becomes like a shoe addiction or Cronulla and fullbacks, and the next thing you know you have 237 options and you’re still shopping for Ben Barba.
Even with fresh leadership, it is business as usual in 2018.
Flaky reasoning continues to fill the air like ‘he wouldn’t look out of place’ or ‘he’s not Aaron Woods’, resulting in a shortlist that has overtaken China and dual citizenship parliamentarians as the world’s fastest-growing population.
However, I am predicting a different result on the park, or at least a result.
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A new coach in Brad Fittler brings a sense of excitement, like pulling on a pair of crisply ironed pants before a court appearance. Sure, it’s the same sense of excitement we’ve experienced every year since 2006, but it should be different this time because of yoga.
Already there are emboldening signs. The former Origin legend has wasted no time imprinting a culture of selflessness on his populace squad, with Andrew Fifita happy to be speculated about for free and James Maloney agreeing to tackle.
Even McDonald’s is on board, signing a brand partnership to be the team’s official quick service restaurant. So you can probably include Jack Bird as a candidate and rule out Robbie Farah at hooker.
And with Cameron Smith leaving the Blues alone forever, I’m most excited at the prospect of the new and innovative methods this team can produce to somehow stuff this up. So much opportunity awaits.
So, in conclusion, while the state can’t pick a winning team from a cast of thousands, at least we’ve never stuffed up a sin bin.
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