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A toddler's guide to NSW's inevitable series win on Sunday

James Tedesco of the Blues is congratulated by teammates after scoring a try. (Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
Expert
19th June, 2018
8

If you’re a little baby New South Welshperson, your existence has sucked. You’ve never experienced any of life’s great thrills, like cutting off a cyclist at a roundabout, drinking in a Sydney bar after 8pm, or a successful Origin campaign.

Fortunately for you, this is your lucky standalone weekend. Without exaggerating, Sunday will be the night your whole life reaches its apex before the downhill slide into puberty and an education.

While the Clampetts will descend from Queensland believing they can rescue a 1-0 series deficit, simply arriving at ANZ Stadium will be an act of futile defiance according to the media, bookies and goldfish.

That’s because the Blues are hurtling towards an inevitable series victory, their first in almost four years. With $1.33 favouritism, the home-ground advantage and a friendless opponent, what could possi-blie go wrong?

Sure, the Blues are suffering from an injury crisis, but Queensland are so low on troops that someone had the temerity to mention Daly Cherry-Evans, and it wasn’t even ironically.

Kevin Walters’ fiercely committed troops are showing dedication by abandoning ship at the worst possible time, leaving them with reinforcements like Tim Glasby, a premiership-winning Origin player still yet to explain himself to us.

Basically, all Brad Fittler’s men have to do is negotiate three minor determinants – Kalyn Ponga, Queensland, and themselves – and the shield will be ours to spray with victorious herbal tea, right after we slump to a lacklustre dead-rubber loss in Brisbane.

Kalyn Ponga

Kalyn Ponga (Photo by Tony Feder/Getty Images)

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Seriously, we have nothing to worry about.

This fine state has made its name by not stuffing up these sorts of golden chances, except in situations of critical importance. Whatever way you look at it, it’s a lay-down misere.

But what about those inexperienced youngsters who’ve never faced the embarrassing emotional outbursts and guaranteed nudity of a drought-breaking series win?

While most of us grown-ups can recall the sensation of Origin supremacy with the help of forensic psychology or a VCR, it is a concept unfamiliar to anyone not alive before our last victory, in 2014.

So for all you ankle-biters who’ve only known subordination to a bunch of pushbike riders from Sanctuary Cove, it is crucial you have an adult read this to you. For those kids interested in Queensland, I’ll release a picture book.

Firstly, back to 2014 – the time most of you were constructed when Dad tried his luck in a blackout.

More memorably but with the same amount of fumbling, it was also the year Paul Gallen’s men brought down the curtain on an eight-year nudie run that resulted in all your classmates named ‘Lozza’ and ‘Grub’.

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The victory sparked a dynasty for New South Wales, with the state going on to lose the following three series.

As a small human unfamiliar with such success, you may react in a similar fashion to the adults on Sunday night, i.e. soil yourself over Trent Hodkinson’s blinding turn of speed.

Like this moment, at full-time on Sunday, you will feel a collective content. A collective warmth. And then come Tuesday, along with the rest of the fickle state, you will forget when something shinier emerges, like another over-budget motorway.

So suppress your rightful paranoia, because the win is guaranteed on Sunday. After all, we’ve got Josh Addo-Carr, James Roberts and Damien Cook, the kind of speed Jack Gibson once described as “so quick they can afford electricity.”

And if your elders try to curb you with reality – which they won’t, because at 1-0, it’s a concept we tend to overlook – tell them to get stuffed or you’ll start yelling “boobs” in crowded public places again.

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