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This is how Australia will win the next World Cup

Socceroos Mile Jedinak and Mark Milligan. (SAEED KHAN/AFP/Getty Images)
Expert
27th June, 2018
14

Now that the World Cup is over, it’s time to examine how Australia can do better next time and we can assume our rightful place as world champions in 2022.

  1. Play to our strengths. During this tournament, it was obvious the only way the Socceroos can score goals is through penalties, and yet the players only managed to get two penalties in three games.From here on, new coach Graham Arnold should drill all players in a game plan revolving around getting penalties at every opportunity. By the Qatar World Cup, the Socceroos should be a unit capable of winning seven or eight penalties per game.
  2. Learn to take advantage of the VAR. With today’s advances in video editing and networking technology, there is absolutely no excuse for a professional football team failing to hack into the VAR system and substitute falsified footage for the referee to view. The FFA needs to overhaul its IT team immediately.
  3. Kick the ball harder. A lot of the Socceroos’ kicks in this year’s World Cup didn’t reach the opposition goal. Many of them didn’t even reach the teammate they were directed at.The clear solution is that Australian footballers need to kick the ball harder. In four years’ time every member of the squad should be able to kick the ball hard enough to break bones.
  4. Break more bones. Hardly any of Australia’s opponents in this tournament were forced off the field with broken bones. Allowing your opposition to keep its team intact for the entire game is a rookie mistake.
    Mile Jedinak reacts with frustration after giving away a foul

    Australia needed to give their opponents more of a reason to stay down, according to Pobjie. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

    Hopefully, future tournaments will see a lot more stretcher action. Given they’re going to fall over as if their leg is broken no matter what you do, you might as well do a proper job of it.

  5. Pray. Many successful teams pray to God before and during games, and given God has ultimate power over all things including football games, Australia could definitely benefit from befriending Him.
  6. Invade a more talented nation. A lot of countries are better at football than Australia, such as Brazil, Spain, Germany, France, England, Russia, Switzerland, Belgium, and a few dozen others.Invading one, or even several, of these nations, and incorporating them into the Commonwealth of Australia will increase our talent pool massively.
  7. Lobby for rule changes. The full diplomatic machinery of the Australian government should be brought to bear to push FIFA to make changes to the rules of football to make Australian success more likely.For example, eliminating the offside rule would make everything a lot simpler. Also, eliminating the handball rule. Also, changing the shape of the ball. Also the size of the field. Also, allowing physical assault.
  8. Threaten to quit. The FFA should make it clear to FIFA that if Australia isn’t allowed at least into the round of 16 at the next World Cup, we just won’t go.We are extremely popular and nobody will want to be at the World Cup without us, so this threat will carry a lot of weight.
  9. Bring Tim Cahill on more often. We didn’t bring Tim Cahill on often enough in this World Cup. In future we should bring him on between ten and fifteen times per game.
  10. Be better at playing football. Every member of this unsuccessful squad should go home and start working as hard as possible at being better at football. If the players who were not good enough at football can practise every day until they are very good at football, this will help a lot going forward.