Life is a relentless slog for survival, working day after day for unappreciative corporate juggernauts who grow fat off your own pain and then you die – but at least there’s finals footy.
Mankind has always craved September, but not just for its brief distraction from imminent death.
We adore it for the same reason we travel without insurance, eat mystery meats and drop Mentos in Coke bottles – because of our inherent desire for uncertainty.
This year’s whacky top eight will be no different, with the NRL presenting a hormonal makeup consisting of six teams and two witches hats. Besides the Dragons and the Panthers cratering, who really knows what’s going to happen?
In honour of another crazy playoffs, here is an emotionally draining top eight that is like a room full of mousetraps waiting for a ping pong ball.
Note: every team has qualified in equal eighth after results went their way.
New Zealand Warriors
Automatic inclusion for a restless finals series, because you can’t spell sodium benzoate without ‘NZ’.
This club may have endured rebrands, ownership changes and 11 coaches in 23 years including Matt Elliott, but other than that, they’re pretty stable.
The Tigers 1989-2005
Simply a must, because it’s been minutes since we discussed 1989. Such was Balmain’s heartbreaking grand final defeat, they attempted to fill the emotional void with all manner of whacky stuff; a venue switch, a change of name, and finally Alan Jones.
But after the rugby union coach bizarrely failed at rugby league, the Tigers replaced Jones with Western Suburbs – and subsequently won a comp. But it was only secured when Tim Sheens discovered he couldn’t bench Steve Roach and Paul Sironen.
Ricky Stuart’s Raiders
Canberra are always serious contenders, provided everything means nothing and games run for 60 minutes. This is mainly because the club was once disgracefully awesome, and the gods offset this with Jason Bulgarelli’s hands.
The resulting anguish then manifested into the modern Raiders, who I’m backing to be the first in NRL history to blow an imaginary 18-point lead to lose an imaginary semi-final in an imaginary top eight – it should go nicely alongside the imaginary optimism.
Canberra Raiders coach Ricky Stuart. (AAP Image/Dean Lewins)
Post-1986 Eels
Parramatta’s two most recent grand final appearances were more Parramatta than a reject forward from Manly. The team were unstoppable record-setters in 2001 before retrospectively facing-off against nobody in 2009, yet still came up empty-handed in both.
Interspersed within were five failed preliminary finals in nine years throughout the 2000s, which experts attributed to black turtleneck suits.
North Sydney Bears
Have you ever drank so much you were hungover for 77 years and then died? This happened to the Bears after back-to-back titles in 1921-22. A laydown inclusion thanks to a premiership hangover that makes a Bulldogs Mad Monday seem like Berocca.
Nathan Brown’s Dragons
Pre-Knights Brownie inherited a list at St George Illawarra that would make Jack Gibson cry, and he’s not even alive anymore. Luckily someone laced their food with bones at the same time every year, resulting in the wonderful rhyming nickname of St Choke. Today’s analysts believe Brown was naturally unable to progress past the prelim final because of no Kalyn Ponga.
Pre-breakthrough Sharks
All jokes aside, did you hear the one about the pre-2016 Cronulla? Of course you didn’t – that’s because nothing existed there beforehand before besides agony and an Amco Cup.
I once opened a packet of Scanlens, and it included a Sharks logo card with blood pressure meds. That’s because this team could dominate the home-and-away season and still harbour premiership chances as genuine as Willie Mason’s chompers.
Nonetheless, it was the ’90s, and they had Andrew Ettingshausen and Elle MacPherson. So the joke’s on our ugly mugs.
Mid-2000s Cowboys
Prior to securing their maiden title, North Queensland endured more flamboyant exits than Liberace. Whether it was Kieran Foran’s Hand of God, the seven-tackle set against Cronulla or the nail-biting comeback loss to the Roosters, their finals finales make the 2015 Golden Point win seem like a wake.
Honourable mention: The 1995-98 Bulldogs were knocked out in an eighth-placed playoff thanks to a clutch sideline conversion from the Bears’ Daryl Halligan.
Queensland often has the right mix of generational talent, playmaking brilliance and these nuts-and-bolts players that bind them together like glue.
There are few greater sledges you can give an NRL team than calling them pretenders but the Cowboys will not be contenders until they…
The Parramatta coach was furious with his side after coughing up a first-half lead and going on to lose 44-16 in an embarrassing second-half…
Jamayne Isaako missed five out of nine conversions in a huge win over the Eels - with the Channel Nine team having some fun…
The Eels led 8-4 at half-time. They lost 44-16 in a Dolphins onslaught.
Who is this team and what have they done with the Dolphins? With Wayne Bennett consigned to his sick bed back in Redcliffe, the…
