Brownlow Medal night is here and that means it’s time for the world’s unanimous favourite article of the year: my horribly misguided attempts to rate the fashion efforts of this year’s Brownlow attendees.
I cannot stress strongly enough to you readers how little I know of fashion, but I’ll try. Let’s put it like this: I own about three t-shirts and two pairs of pants, and they’re all on constant rotation. That’s it.
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As the AFL’s elite squeeze themselves into suits and gowns, I’ll be sitting on my couch at home in a grey shirt, grey tracksuit pants, and socks with pineapples on them. That’s my idea of fashion and I think it’s a sensible one.
So the short version is: yes, I’m going to rate fashion. Yes, I’m going to try to have a bit of fun with it. But for goodness sake, don’t take anything I have to say to heart. You’re all beautiful!
Let’s get started.
(Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
If I’ve learned anything from watching Batman Forever – and believe me, I have learned a lot from Batman Forever – it’s that Zach Merrett’s date is probably a maniacal, plant-themed supervillain. Which I approve of. 6/10.
(Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
Speaking as someone who is mildly obsessed with Tim Membrey’s terrible-but-great palm tree tattoo, I’m glad to see he’s found a date who shares his interests. 6/10.
(Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
Is Phil Davis’ date wearing a gown, or simply in the process of being eaten by the red carpet? It’s literally impossible to tell, but I’m concerned for her welfare. 4/10.
(Photo by Scott Barbour/Getty Images)
If I were Jason Johannisen’s date I’d be extremely nervous, because somewhere out there is a big-game hunter intent on turning her into a stylish living room rug. 8/10.
(Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
I’ve never been more confused by anything than I am by this dress. What is this inspired by? Lampshades? Tiered cakes? A toilet brush? And can she actually move her legs properly or is she going to spend all night shuffling around the room? I’m baffled. 4/10.
(Photo by Scott Barbour/Getty Images)
Cotch is just as confused about whether or not the carpet is eating people as I am! 4/10.
(Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
There’s a certain practicality to a dress that you could probably see your own reflection in. 5/10.
(Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
Is that Max Gawn or Grigory Rasputin? 7/10.
(Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
Okay yeah, it’s definitely the carpet eating people. Call 000! 4/10.
(Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
I think we’ve all had the lingering feeling somewhere along life’s path that redheads are secretly unanimously terrible people, but this photo of Ben Brown and his wife Hestor will cure of you of that prejudice forever. 10/10.
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