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Australians can’t bat, but don't worry - it's India's fault

8th November, 2018
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8th November, 2018
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In some good news for Australia, we are on course to rediscover the Thylacine before our next competent batsman.

But before then, we can all help contribute to serious restorative action for our batting woes by finding something to blame that isn’t us.

In times of crisis in Australian cricket – i.e. the last two years since Shane Watson wore a Burberry neck scarf to pay negotiations – we usually just lump fault on something like bowling machines or academies.

But this method has diminished in effectiveness as we realise these are nothing more than inanimate objects that don’t feel pain, like Trevor Hohns.

This means its time for an alternative approach to crisis management, so let’s instead blame Australia’s median batting average of 14.97 on the Board of Control for Cricket in India – aka the BCCI, aka the ICC.

Sure, it might sound like a stretch to point the finger at another country’s governing body for our batsmen habitually snicking off, but who else can we hold responsible? There’s nobody else left at Cricket Australia to sack.

Simply put, not only does blaming India account for 96 per cent of redacts in the culture review, it’s also convenient on many levels.

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It means as Australians, we are standing by our abominably-performed side at all costs, yes, even in its inevitable plunge to the associate ranks, which should be complete by Christmas.

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It also means we are resolute enough to self-reflect and acknowledge an uncomfortable truth as we are being eviscerated- that the BCCI is to blame for everything.

If it wasn’t for the advent of the Indian Premier League and fiscal totalitarianism – namely India’s – T20 cricket wouldn’t crowd schedules and confuse techniques between batting for keeps or a trophy with a biscuit on top.

David Peever speaks at a Cricket Australia press conference.

Peever could have just blamed India. (Photo: William West/AFP)

But of greater validity, Australian batsmen suck because they have to play India on average three times a year, mainly because India says so.

This meek submission to rupees by Cricket Australia leaves our befuddled top six dangerously exposed to their ace spin attack, who obviously have our number because they bowl spin.

There’s no doubt such time wasted being repeatedly mauled by India could be better served playing New Zealand or Sheffield Shield, and failing to their spinners instead.

But in making these tenuous claims, it must be said- there is no doubt India is positive for world cricket.

They may have irreversibly corporatised the game to buggery and gutted its fabric to the impoverishment of all but itself, but the TV money’s good.

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Despite this, we can now safely declare it has killed Australian batsmanship, just like it has killed other things like all nations outside the big three, and cricket.

So when Aaron Finch meekly spoon-feeds one to mid-off today, don’t turn your blowtorch on usual suspects like sports science and David Peever – this nation can’t middle one because of the BCCI.

In light of this revelation, can all CA employees now please cease resigning.