With our men’s team set to politely inflict great shame on this nation over the Test summer, I’m getting in early to beat the crowd with the following: This country’s stuffed unless we bring back the old Australia – in other words, the oafish tamperers.
Yep, I’ve seen enough after these yet-to-occur defeats. Australian cricket desperately needs to return to what it does best – braggadocios batting, breaking effing arms and doing so uncouthly. Anything else could risk its reputation forever.
While you may personally disagree now, I urge you to reconsider come the fourth Test in Sydney.
This should be when Australia finally passes the follow-on for Virat Kohli’s 546* from Adelaide, at which point you will happily join me renouncing any moral inroads this team has made. Trust me, it will be worth the gallant draw in a dead rubber.
So we’re all in agreement – the only way this nation can restore former glories is not by runs or wickets; it’s by reneging. Why not roll back all the other grave errors of our past, just to get a win?
Bring back Smith and Warner
The only thing more brittle than this team is its middle order. Or its top order. Either way, we can restore this line-up’s pride by re-establishing its unhealthy reliance on Steve Smith and David Warner.
Even though the pair inflicted untold shame on the country and their appeals were quashed and neither are interested in returning before their bans end, we must demand their bans end.
Think of it as a bid for justice and two additional people to blame. Based on the latter, throw in Cameron Bancroft too.
Besides, haven’t this pair already endured enough distress while sidelined, with Warner playing cricket for money and Smith seeing his popularity rise? Seriously, enough is enough.
Frankly, these sanctions were always ill-thought anyway. Cricket Australia should’ve sent a stronger message to the nation’s cricketers by banning something more relevant, like facing spinners.
Bring back sledging
I don’t know who Longstaff Review is, but all I’ll say is this: Mr Review, you have desexed Australia.
By effectively outlawing our egregious lip, not only have you rendered this team unrecognisable as well-mannered role models, you have disrespected the sentiments of Australia’s new dad, Faf du Plessis.
The Proteas skipper recently claimed Australia had lost its identity by being palatable. Worse, it wasn’t in print; it was screamed towards one of our submissive bowlers while racking up another embarrassingly huge score against us.
So bring back the ‘intent’ and ‘positivity’ – Latin for ripe, foul-mouthed bile – because we can’t handle a fifth-day pitch without a dysfunctional culture. Fact.
Bring back John the bookie
When Australia went in to meltdown because Mark Waugh and Shane Warne accepted unsolicited cash from an underground bookmaker and attempted to cover it up, it was the canary in the mineshaft that this nation was going dumb and soft.
What was the problem with John the bookie? Everyone has their little idiosyncrasies, and his was attempting to fix cricket matches. Big woop.
Bring him back if he hasn’t already departed the scene. Frankly, we could do with the intel and the friendship.
Bring back the underarm
This obsession with being friends with New Zealand is toxic. Don’t we concede enough already in rugby and decorum? It is now clearly affecting our cricket in ways I can’t even describe.
Put simply, the Kiwis are now winning Test matches in places we cling for grim draws. Just chew on that for a moment.
Based on this, only positive results can come from deteriorating our ties. I propose we deport an even greater number of criminals to their shores, beginning with Greg Chappell – not for the underarm, but for the pathways system.
Bring back sectarian conflict
This nation has forever voraciously banked Test match victories on the fuel of internal, doctrine-based conflict. No opposition came within a cooee of us in the 1930s, mainly because Don Bradman and Jack Fingleton clashed over holy water. We were also good in the 2000s because Adam Gilchrist wasn’t a fan of Shane Warne’s appetite, and I’m not talking about baked beans.
Justin Langer could do worse than to flood the team with Apple fanboys and pick a middle-order batsman who’s Amish.
Bring back rebel tours
Don’t deny it – you’d take an outright win over Saudi Arabia right now.
Finally, bring back pre-federation
Victoria ceased to be an independent colony in 1901 and became a state in the Commonwealth of Australia. If we could simply reverse this, maybe they’d stop tooling around with our top order.