Australian selectors have provided encouragement for Matthew Wade by admitting he can still “force their hand” for selection, but only through sheer weight of “impregnable kompromat.”
However, they admitted the compromising material would have to be “really bad, like as bad as rugby league or an election race.”
Selectors delivered the promising news to Wade via a press conference, in line with their policy of keeping open communication with fringe players at any cost provided it’s not by direct conversation.
Wade – a wicketkeeper batsmen who was once sacked for lack of runs and re-hired on linguistics – has enjoyed a bumper season on the domestic scene, amassing over a thousand runs across all officially recognised formats and Sheffield Shield.
But despite leading the red-ball tally and lighting up the Big Bash while we busk on the footpath for batsmen, the only communication Wade has received from a national body has been nightly texts from Domino’s.
Matthew Wade of the Hurricanes plays a shot. (AAP Image/Rob Blakers)
Selectors have chosen to continually overlook the former Victorian after failing to meet their myriad of conditions, most that could not be reasonably achieved by a Mensa graduate, let alone a cricketer.
This included directives to “lip-up” and then “pipe down”, then to ignore captain’s orders and bat higher in the order, before curing world famine and doing so at a strike-rate exceeding 85.
Wade was also further marked down due to his ability to keep wickets, with the panel presenting unsubstantiated medical evidence that he was clinically incapable of removing his gloves and standing in the outfield.
This evidence- tendered from unregistered GP “Dr Lustin Janger”- allowed Wade to be conveniently overlooked for other ‘keepers, with Tim Paine retaining his spot because of the captaincy and Alex Carey because he once played AFL.
But while selectors have recently resorted to just picking worse players without a valid explanation, they have now backtracked with the explosive-yet-tiny concession the former Test player can “bang the door down” via means of “criminal threat of coercion.”
Critics believe this news of selectors’ position on blackmail not only confirms where the red-hot Tasmanian stands in the pecking order, it also raises the possibility of extortion becoming a legitimate avenue to Australian selection alongside traditional metrics like averages and nepotism.
If the selectors’ concession means Australian cricket has officially accepted blackmail- a concept also termed by the Russians as kompromat, meaning “compromising material”- it marks the game’s adherence to an ever-growing movement.
Blackmail has increased in popularity in recent times, as evidenced by its alleged hand in global disasters like Donald Trump’s presidency and the MCG pitch, issues of such complexity they can only be remedied by lengthy constitutional procedures or Dennis Rodman.
But despite the complete lack of proof, many sceptics believe blackmail is already long entrenched in Australian cricket selection policy.
Conspiracy theorists point to the Invincibles era and the inevitable chicanery that comes with religious bias, the failure of Jamie Siddons to be a New South Welshman, and the Marsh twins and their oft-accused “photos” which continue to be of widespread debate today.
Despite their demise as international cricketers, online forums continue to speculate that Shaun and Mitch were continually supported by the selection panel because of “screencaps from the Christmas party” in addition to “their dad Rod being a selector.”
Matt Wade (AAP Image/Daniel Munoz)
These beliefs have grown in strength despite scientific proof other factors for their selection were at play, such as there was literally nobody better and they’re West Australian.
But regardless of history, the door has been left ajar for Wade to return to national colours simply with a dangerously-stacked USB stick.
While acknowledging the shock of admitting they could be compromised by fraudulent means, the panel agreed it was more acceptable than instructing Wade to take more wickets or become Justin Langer’s foster son. Or worse, admitting they were wrong.
While a premature retirement isn’t the solution, he or England want, he may be forced into it if he can’t maintain a long run of matches.
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