For years I have defended my beloved Magpies as anything but the uncouth, feral scum opposing fans insist they are.
For years I have weathered tedious, repetitive taunts about the surprising number of teeth in my mouth and yearned for witty banter I can genuinely appreciate.
But no longer. Today I discovered something that shook me to my core, and I refuse to stay silent.
In 1907, the Collingwood Football Club – my club – released a scourge on Australian rules football so vile it’s proverbial stench pervades the goal squares, locker rooms and standing-room-only sections of the sport more than a century later.
Exposed knees.
I’ll allow you a moment to hoist yourself up from the floor after falling out of your chair. I originally had those two words censored, but I soon realised the truth is far more important.
The scandal came to my attention after the following photo surfaced online (a warning, the image is highly inappropriate and should not be viewed at your place of work or in public).
Categorically dreadful. (Credit: jprockbelly via Reddit)
Once you’ve cleaned up the vomit you undoubtedly projected all over your person upon seeing such an unequivocally offensive image, allow me to take you further down this rabbit hole.
The excerpt apparently comes from a book on the history of the VFL and AFL published in the 1990s and recently found gathering dust in an op shop. In an attempt to verify the claim, one Reddit user sniffed out two articles from 1907 describing Collingwood’s new uniform.
“There was a buzz of surprise when Collingwood, under the leadership of Arthur Leach, took the field, for it was not the old and often slovenly magpies that appeared, but a team in the uniform of Rugby – the short, loose knickers, the bare, free knees, short black stockings, with a broad white band at the top. As far as appearances went it was all for the better. They looked smart and workman-like – in all respects a team of thoroughbreds – and the new style gave an impression of increased weight and height.”
Saturday’s Big Match – by Observer, The Argus, Monday 29 April 1907.
“The Collingwood uniform has undergone a change – loose knickers, bare knees, and short black stockings with a broad white band at the top. The latter gives the appearance of solidity, the whole team looking as if their legs were the heaviest part of their anatomy. The alteration is certainly an improvement.”
Football Notes – Author unknown, Punch, Thursday 2 May 1907.
I was unable to track down any other written reference to the fateful change, which I can only assume is the result of a highly effective suppression campaign commissioned by the bigwigs at Victoria Park.
The sickening praise of the sleazy new uniforms by The Argus back in 1907 doesn’t fly in the face of the paper’s traditionally conservative tone and thus stinks of a well-oiled Collingwood PR machine intent on erasing any evidence that it pioneered this ghastly trend.
Was the journalist in question manipulated by nefarious parties, or perhaps even an active and willing puppet of the black-and-white regime?
In fairness, it’s difficult to ascertain from these articles alone whether the “buzz of excitement” means bare knees were a first for the Pies or for the entire league.
One website dedicated to cataloguing the guernseys of every team lists Fitzroy as the first to shake their knees in the breeze in 1908, with Collingwood following suit in 1910, but this account is at odds with the aforementioned newspaper archives.
Thankfully, a handful of photographs of the Pies before and after Knee-Day managed to slip through the clutches of Collingwood’s top brass.
The dates of these photos are consistent with the 1907 timeline and the op shop history book, effectively confirming my worst fears. My club is nothing but a century-old gang of harlots intent on tarnishing our beautiful game with temptations of the flesh.
This team photo from 1902 clearly shows covered knees were still in vogue at the time:
(Credit: Collingwood Football Club 1892-1948 by Percy Taylor – State Library of Victoria Collection via Boyles Football Photos).
In 1905, the club still appeared to favour covered knees, although we can see at least two players in the front row exposing the skin on their legs to the elements and the poor, unsuspecting crowd:
The Collingwood Football Club in 1905. (Credit: State Library of Victoria via Boyles Football Photos)
Photos from 1907 are conspicuously absent from the archives, but this snap from 1908 is telling.
Not a single covered knee in sight. (Credit: Weekly Times via Boyles Football Photos)
Could the two rogues showing their prayer bones in the 1905 team photo be the ringleaders of the reprehensible rabble responsible for this travesty?
What we can be certain of is that by 1922, the players had become so brazen in their impropriety that they began deliberately jutting their knees toward the camera as if to taunt the modest and proper members of the populace:
(Credit: Adamson Art Photos Post Card Series, Charles Leski Auction 430-1560 via Boyles Football Photos)
The look is bedraggled at best, but it’s far more appropriate to label it as downright appalling and unbecoming of a sport as gentlemanly as Australian rules football.
It’s sport, not softcore pornography.
The bare-leg plague spread quickly throughout the country, with most major clubs adopting the sordid style within half a decade.
But it was only the beginning – I mean, just look at the blasphemous ensemble sported by Warwick Capper of the Sydney Swans during a VFL Match in 1990.
Jumping Jehosaphat! (Photo by Getty Images)
It’s only reasonable to connect this bawdy revolution in Australian rules football to the rise of exposed midriffs, short sleeves and – ahem – “booty shorts” in popular culture throughout the 20th and early 21st centuries.
And to think I couldn’t figure out why no one wears full-length swimming pantaloons to the beach anymore!
I imagine this is how people feel when they find out their ancestors were complicit in heinous war crimes.
As they question whether the dark past of their lineage defines them, I ask whether the black-and-white scarf hanging in my wardrobe is a mark of shame. A reminder of crimes committed but not punished.
Maybe those reprehensible Carlton tragics were right. Maybe those smug, fair-weather Melbourne bourgeois had a point, as did the one North Melbourne fan I’ve encountered in more than 26 years of life. Maybe we really are just a bunch of grubs after all.
My only optimism after this discovery is that the overwhelming number of players in Collingwood’s current crop covered neck-to-toe in ink are doing so in a symbolic effort to cover the skin and repent for sins of the past.
Who’s in your ultimate team? Pick the best team and compete with other fans for daily prizes on Draftstars. For the best odds on the game try out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Think. Is this a bet you really want to place? Set a deposit limit.
Geelong coach Chris Scott has hit out at the AFL Tribunal's decision to clear Charlie Cameron for his dangerous tackle on Jake Lever, saying…
Collingwood premiership defender Nathan Murphy has been forced into a premature and immediate AFL retirement through concussion to prioritise a "full and healthy life"…
It’s high stakes with five teams having lost their first three games of season 2024, and in desperate need of a win.
It could be a weekend for contenders to emerge, teams to hopefully break droughts, o and overall footy to have a party.
We’ve already seen what Jack Ginnivan is capable of at Collingwood with his ability to grasp big moments - how will he go against his former teammates?
Collingwood veteran Scott Pendlebury has escaped suspension for his uncharacteristic off-the-ball whack on Brisbane Lions star Lachie Neale. Neale was left doubled over in…
