The Blues must let me unlock the power of their brains by training the subconscious and releasing their minds, thus rendering them truly mindless.
Following the unmistakable influence of the Coach Whisperer on Wednesday’s Origin opener, I am here to help Brad Fittler rescue the series in Perth by offering my services as The Roach Whisperer.
Inspired by the instrumental and grossly profitable work of Kevin Walters’ psych-bloke in the Maroons stunning 18-14 win, I have now moved in to the industry of amateur sports psychology, better known as the mental sector.
As we’ve come to expect, the modern world of professional rugby league is an undulating pit of baffling unknowns. How will the ball bounce? Who’s got Ben Cummins this week? And how is Josh Dugan on $850k?
My Roach Whispering can empower Fittler and his charges to control the uncontrollables – the mind, the soul, and the ability to look like you just stubbed out a spliff seconds before conducting a press conference.
Boasting almost 40 years experience studying the mind – mine – and exploring my own human behaviour using word association through pictures (mainly Picture), I can map a range of various in-game scenarios, sometimes even sober.
This wealth of knowledge will allow me to take control of all aspects of the Blues’ football from the mental to the physical and everything in between, including their wallets.
In fact, my program of meandering psychobabble guarantees results in any situation, except clearly impregnable cases like the Middle East or the Gold Coast Titans.
My patented Roach Whispering has been proven effective across all sports – as demonstrated in its record of being blacklisted from a number of codes – and is even on the cusp of earning official NRL accreditation, provided it continues diverting attention from split rounds and sex tapes.
As unattributed testimonies attest, I played a leading role in a recent premiership campaign, with my methods applied so subtly to their program, they barely even knew I was in the building.
That’s because I wasn’t – I was stranded outside the specially-erected barricade, begging. But still, I had a team polo on.
In reality, I was so confident my mentoring would power the team to glory that I offered a pact to the coach that failure would mean we’d cut off our pinkies, to which he responded by cutting off contact.
I guarantee the Blues a similar full scale program of intense psychological mentorship (catchy slogans and a photo online), all for one full match fee per half and $6000 for every following, preferably in untraceable Coles vouchers.
As a matter of fact, my package for Fittler’s game two preparation has already been tailored.
Accessing layers of specific data-driven analysis drawn from a range of state-of-the-art algorithms and cutting-edge neurological instruments, I’ll demand more ball to the team’s halves combination, James Tedesco and Damien Cook.
Damien Cook of the Blues (Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
Then using patented ultrasound technology, I will conduct a large-scale review of the team in the hope of finding Latrell Mitchell.
This will release Fittler from wasting time on tired rugby league basics like tai chi and earthing, and in to something much more effective for match day performance, like not saying particular words.
Here he will teach his players not to tolerate loser words like ‘try’, ‘hope’ or ‘maybe.’ Trust me – this has worked in the past, as many of my former teams don’t try, and now hope for another contract, maybe in Canterbury Cup or labour hire.
Fittler must accept my offer, not only for the state, but the impending foreclosure of my house. That’s because Coach Whispering is now a must-have, especially after Walters’ mind coach repelled the Blues at Suncorp.
Prior to Game 1, Queensland was a state without an identity. And a hooker, but mainly an identity.
After approaching Walters- the PIN code on his security gate was apparently a bugger to crack- Coach Whisperering transformed the Maroons mastermind in to a nervously energetic salesman, one seemingly trying to flog-off a car with a boot full of dead bodies.
It overhauled the Queenslanders’ attitude and sent a suspiciously rejuvenated Walters sauntering in to match day expecting to win, even after picking Moses Mbye. Thanks to Coach Whispering, he was guaranteed either victory, or the Titans job.
Now the Maroons hold a 1-0 advantage, and neither have to torch their SIM cards and move to Bermuda.
So to Fittler and the Blues, I am available. And remember: the Roach Whisperer guarantees results.*
*Getting smashed by 30 is officially a ‘result.’