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It’s the moment that all of 2019 has been building up to… no, not the Grand Final, and not the Brownlow. The Gownlow! And, most importantly, my world-famous red carpet fashion ratings.
Yes, I’m back for another year, and you know what, I’m proud to say that after long being known as a bloke with absolutely no fashion sense, I’ve levelled up this year to become a bloke with perhaps maybe 0.01 per cent fashion sense.
How am I backing up that claim? Well, I own an entire three button-up shirts now (which is three more than I onwed last year), and one of those three isn’t even from an op-shop. So, y’know, checkmate.
Like any good sports journalist, I’m covering this event live from home wearing pajamas with crocodiles on them. The crocodile even has a hook for a hand and a little pirate eye patch.
This fresh, hip ensemble was designed by a mister K Mart, and cost $6.
The point is: these fashion ratings aren’t intended to be taken even remotely seriously. It’s all in good fun. Everyone is beautiful.
With that in mind, let’s get started.
(Photo by Michael Willson/AFL Photos via Getty Images)
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Wearing your grandma’s living room curtains to the Brownlow always seems like a great idea in theory, right up until you actually try to walk in them. 6/10.
(Photo by Brook Mitchell/Getty Images)
“Stephen Coniglio? You’re the devil?”
“Heh. It’s always the one you least suspect.”
9/10.
(Photo by Brook Mitchell/Getty Images)
Cal Ward’s partner Ruby Keddie wants you to think she’s pregnant, but really, she’s just shoplifted a basketball out of Rebel Sport on her way here. 7/10.
(Photo by Daniel Pockett/AFL Photos via Getty Images)
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Caleb has presumably brought his mum this year because she’s the only person he knows who is shorter than him. Purple hair is a big winner. 9/10.
(Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
I just binged season three of Stranger Things the other week, and to be honest, Brooke’s dress is giving me bad vibes as a result. 6/10.
(Photo by Dylan Burns/AFL Photos via Getty Images)
Here’s two boys who ate their crusts when they were kids. As a fellow curly hair guy, though not to quite this level, I’m a big fan, and also, a little envious. 9/10.
(Photo by Kelly Defina/AFL Photos/via Getty Images)
Imagine being the dry cleaner who has to fix up Dangerfield’s suits after he goes surfing in them for Fox Footy ads. Well, whoever it is, they’ve done a bang-up job here. 8/10.
(Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)
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The question shouldn’t be why she has a statue, but instead, why she doesn’t have two? 9/10.
