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Cricket Australia post Seek ad for competitive opponent

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31st October, 2019
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Following an underwhelming start to the summer from Sri Lanka, Cricket Australia has advertised online for any opposition that can delay a screening of Lethal Weapon past 8:45 pm.

The governing body has resorted to the measure after the tourists fell alarmingly short in the opening T20 fixtures, sparking fears of a disastrous summer that could result in low ratings, or worse, a 100-ball format brainstormed by millennials.

The move continues Cricket Australia’s shift towards the online classifieds space following its advertisement for a selector through Seek, a move that proudly achieved its brief of finding anyone provided it wasn’t a Chappell brother.

Administrators are hopeful of saving the summer with a “charismatic opponent” that can be parachuted in at short notice to either “arrest the sport’s demise towards a tragic existence inside deep cable and cavernous stadia”, or “at least cover until the Big Bash starts.”

With the Sri Lanka series to be followed by a touring Pakistan side that travels as formidably as an ice cream cake in the tropics, the governing body is acting after finding itself in the parlous state of relying on New Zealand for public interest.

One insider also claims Cricket Australia is even considering suing the touring sides, however this is not for losses incurred due to underwhelming performance, but because they’re not India or England.

This could set a precedent that outlaws other under-performing entities from working in Australia again, potentially resulting in embargoes for outfits like the West Indies, South Africa and Usman Khawaja.

Usman Khawaja

(Lindsey Parnaby / AFP / Getty Images)

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The search for a better replacement falls in line with CA’s charter of restoring the glory years of summer past, a time when the national team was so transcendental it resulted in sold-out venues and Damien Martyn being followed on Twitter by Donald Trump.

Contingency plans for replacing this summer’s touring sides began the moment Cricket Australia executives agreed to allow them tour, with a number of options canvassed as better equipped to play international cricket like an Australia A side, PM’s XI, or Siri.

CA are hopeful of tapping in to the same market that responded to its advertised role for a selector, mainly for the convenience of using “pre-existing data” and because “we’d actually consider a team of blokes from pubs and comments sections.”

Advertising for a “challenging rival” that can meet specific key indicators such as “landing one”, the tender offers applicants to tour Australia “until the next Ashes”, before iterating that “if you’re keen for an Ashes we could be up for that too, if you’ve got the Euros.”

The advert then sets out further essential criteria that must be met by the applicant, such as being ICC registered, chockers with television money and not Bangladesh.

Much like its selection principles, Cricket Australia will pick the new opposition with zero application of essential criteria or logic, before advising all failed applicants via a news piece and forcing them on long tours carrying out eternal 12th man duties.

CA have acknowledged the bold nature of advertising for new opponents amid a summer contractually agreed years ago, however it claims severe action is required to protect its product from evil competitors like basketball and Sheffield Shield.

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Despite the logistical challenges of organising a full-blown replacement tour before 7 pm tonight, one administrator is confident of a rapid resolution after boasting a proud record that includes “rushing through the bat flip at 12 hours’ notice.”

While acknowledging the potential for another apathetic summer of uncompetitive touring sides and its possible contribution to international cricket’s further demise, he then claimed, “we can always just extend the BBL through winter.”

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