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Melbourne Cup Fashion Ratings (from a bloke who knows nothing about fashion)

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Expert
5th November, 2019
4

Let’s get one thing straight: if there’s a topic in the world that I’m completely unqualified to discuss, it’s horse racing, and the Melbourne Cup.

But let’s get a second thing straight too: if there’s, like, a second topic, that I am somehow even less qualified to analyse, then without a doubt, it’s fashion.

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» Winners and losers

Case in point, my own Melbourne Cup outfit is the highest form of fashion today – pants with zippers at the knees so you can turn them into shorts if you need to. Elite-tier clothing.

But seriously, I do feel like I deserve recognition for making an effort today, as my six-dollar t-shirt matches the colour of my five-dollar socks.

You get the message I think. Don’t take my fashion ratings too seriously! Or at all seriously. Let’s get started.

Sarah Boulazeris

(AAP Image/James Ross)

The expression on her face says she’s somewhere in between utterly confused and a little bit uncomfortable, and that sums up where I sit with both racing and fashion pretty well to be honest. 7/10.

Marc Murphy

(Photo by Sam Tabone/Getty Images for Uber)

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You can understand why Marc Murphy would be keen to come out today, it’s the nearest he’s ever going to get to a big trophy. 6/10.

Brooke Hogan

(Photo by Sam Tabone/Getty Images for Uber)

A bit like seeing Hot Cross Buns at the supermarket on Boxing Day, going with the gift-wrapped theme here may have missed the mark, timeline-wise. 4/10.

Shaynna Blaze

(Photo by Sam Tabone/Getty Images for Uber)

Shaynna Blaze rocking a serious “arriving at my husband’s funeral after I secretly murdered my husband” kind of vibe here, and I’m a big fan. 9/10.

Nick Cummins

(Photo by Sam Tabone/Getty Images for Uber)

Nick Cummins just absolutely owning the entire day. Is he here to herd cattle? Is he here to watch horses? Fairly safe bet it’s both but also neither. 9/10.

Fashion

(AAP Image/James Ross)

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My understanding of it is that whomsoever wears the tallest hat is named the new Pope of Melbourne Cup fashion. And this woman is seriously in the mix. 6/10.

Fashion

(AAP Image/James Ross)

Woah, I stand corrected! Some of these women would make great villains for another Tim Burton-directed Batman movie. 7/10.

Fashion

(AAP Image/James Ross)

As a big fan of trying to wearing my PJs out in public as often as possible, I am one hundred percent behind these lads. And would never sit within a 500m radius of them. 9/10.

Tom Hawkins

(Photo by Sam Tabone/Getty Images for Uber)

Nice of Tom Hawkins to represent Geelong at Flemington after Chris Scott refused to attend due to it not being hosted at Kardinia Park. 6/10.

Fashion

(AAP Image/James Ross)

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Wait, how did a screencap from The Hunger Games wind up in here? I’m so, so sorry for the error. 6/10.

Fashion

(AAP Image/James Ross)

I don’t know how this woman acquired my grandmother’s bathroom curtains, but it’s quite inventive to turn them into a dress. 6/10.