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Following his superb display for Australia in the first Test, selectors have assured Joe Burns of his position in the team by confirming it will still be determined using a dartboard.
While the current squad will remain intact for Friday’s Test in Adelaide, this could see the opener rewarded for his fine knock of 97 with either a baffling spell as 12th man, or perhaps a stint for Queensland – maybe in water polo or state politics.
Burns fell agonisingly short of a century at the Gabba in a splendid return to national colours, in the process combining with David Warner for a 222-run opening stand in a thumping innings-victory over Pakistan.
But despite the Queenslander’s assured performance, and his four Test centuries, career average of 42.06, his fine record with Warner, and the lack of any other better-credentialed replacements, doubts remain over his position.
Selectors were said to be secretly unhappy with his innings of 97, singling it out for poor ticket sales and for “regrettably delaying” the long-awaited return of Australia’s most valuable batting hero, Marnus Labuschagne.
(Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)
Additionally, the panel is still worried by aspects of the Burns’ shot selection, with strong concerns remaining over a shot he recently played in 2001.
They believe the rash stroke shows the opener is still short of being a genuine long-term option at Test level, despite the shot being played when he was 13 years old, and in a game of putt-putt golf, and on a PlayStation.
Questions also remain over his fielding – as per the first rule of Biased and Vague Selection Policy 101 – with his neat pair of catches in the slips written off by the panel because he “used his hands”.
Such logic has seen Burns bizarrely marooned between domestic and national duties since debuting in 2014, with selectors rigidly adhering to their policy of only making decisions on the batsman after at least 15 coldies.
This has contributed to the 30-year-old being dropped five times in his 17-Test career, with his most recent demotion coming last summer after he left selectors no choice with a failed 180.
Prior to this, he was axed two games after scoring 170 against New Zealand, and was one of six victims following the South Africa thrashing in Hobart after carving out a lengthy stay in the side of almost 72 hours.
AAP Image/Tracey Nearmy
But in a break from tradition, the Queenslander was able to demand a recall via Australia A with scores of 0 and 11, however it is believed selectors mistakenly read this in binary code as ‘yoga enthusiast’.
In a crowded race of middling options at the top of the order, Burns’ innings has now seemingly separated him from squad rival Cameron Bancroft. This is not only by numbers, but by demonstrating an ability to execute the classic opener’s trait of taking the shine off the new ball, only without incurring a nine-month ban.
Bancroft, along with Marcus Harris, will remain the greatest threat to Burns’ position, especially after selector Trevor Hohns endorsed the West Australian by declaring “the improvement in his game is quite noticeable”.
However, after 57 runs at 11.40 in the Shield this season, many are unsure what Hohns’ reference to ‘game’ could be. Many have speculated this could refer to Bancroft’s fielding, or perhaps his form on Connect Four. Either way, he’s definitely in.
In the meantime, selectors have vowed to keep treating random players with torturous decision-making and communication, with the panel pledging their commitment to prejudice in the team’s weekly Values Meeting.
They firmly believe illogically axing stuff has worked well in the past, as evidenced by success stories like Usman Khawaja, Brad Hodge, and whatever is currently being broadcast at 6pm weeknights on Channel Ten.
In the meantime, Burns is excited at the chance to be history’s first batsman to be tapped on the shoulder while in the process of raising his bat.