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The Roar


103 people more likely to captain the Wallabies than Israel Folau

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29th November, 2019
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Captain, Israel? Of the Wallabies?

You mean the Australian Wallabies rugby team?

For sure, mate! One hundred per cent! And after that you can be coach. And after that chief executive.

And then after that it’s a natural progression onwards and upwards until you’ve gone from thumping that pulpit in the Hills District to pounding on the big issues as World Rugby top man.

Experimental ruck rules? Ask Israel!

TV rights? Ask Israel!

Because someone of your experience, Israel, in leaping into the air and catching a ball, and extolling a virtue system based on a somewhat, shall we say, firey, interpretation of the Bible, would be number one the best person to run world rugby.

And to captain the Wallabies? You bloody betcha.

Upon a planet other than this one.


Ha-ha! I didn’t mean any of that! I actually meant the opposite. I could think of 103 people better suited and more likely to captain the Wallabies than you, Israel, and for something to do I would list them as follows.

1. David Pocock
2. David Campese
3. David Attenborough
4. Richard Attenborough
5. Richard Hadlee
6. Dayle Hadlee
7. Dale Finucane
8. Queensland medium pacer Adam Dale
9. Comedian Adam Sandler
10. Adam, ie the first human in the bible
11. Springboks’ wing man Wylie Human
12. Chuck Jones who drew Wile E. Coyote
13. Star of Coyote Ugly, John Goodman
14. John Blackman
15. Dicky Knee

16. Dicky Bird
17. Dick Johnson

18. Star of Dickman and Throbbin’, John Holmes
19. Larry Holmes
20. Sherlock Holmes
21. JB Holmes

22. AB De Villiers
23. Fanie De Villiers
24. Nick Faldo’s caddy, Fanny Sunesson
25. Sun Yang

26. YE Yang
27. Wylie Human again
28. Joss Ackland who played Argen Rudd in Lethal Weapon II and thought that holding up diplomatic credentials offered immunity from Sergeant Murtaugh (Danny Glover) shooting him in the head
29. Danny Glover

30. Richard Glover
31. The guy who played McLovin in Superbad, Christopher Mintz-Plasse
32. The even more exotically-named Dallin Watene-Zelezniak
33. The less exotically-named but still excellent rugby league lock, Dallas Johnson
34. Dustin Johnson
35. Dustin Hoffman
36. Ryan Hoffman
37. Ryan Matterson
38. Terry Matterson
39. Terry Fahey, “The Redfern Express”, about whom there’s a very good story about a greyhound and a mad goose and I will tell it one day though it would be best not to alert PETA and/or Four Corners
40. Former NSW Premier John Fahey
41. Fay Wray
42. Fay Dunaway
43. Noted runaway slave I just Googled, Henry “Box” Brown
44. Ray Brown, ball-playing backrower for Wests, Manly and Australia
45. Ray Charles
46. Prince Charles
47. Prince
48. Queen, the band
49. Queen, the old lady who’s head of the nation state of Australia
50. Steve McQueen
51. Steve Smith
52. Steve Smith who often gets abuse from silly people on Twitter who think he’s Steve Smith
53. Conway Twitty
54. Dean Schifilliti
55. Neil Piccinelli
56. Neil Diamond
57. Jeremy Piven who plays Ari Gold in Entourage, you know the guy, the agent
58. Star of The Secret Agent, Toby Jones who was also in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy the convoluted spy flick that my wife Frances and I fell asleep in because it was our first date six months after having twin babies
59. My wife Frances
60. Sir Francis Drake
61. Drake
62. That actor from Rake
63. English sumo John Tenta who later performed for the World Wrestling Federation as Earthquake
64. Darrell Eastlake
65. Daryl Tuffey the Kiwi paceman whom Ricky Ponting hit for 30 runs – 6,2,6,6,4,6 – in the penultimate over the world’s first ever T20 international, February 17, 2005
66. Phil Tufnell
67. Phil Collins
68. Joan Collins
69. Joe Cocker
70. Famous owner of a cocker spaniel, Oprah Winfrey
71. Owen Finegan
72. Collette Dinnigan
73. Collette Mann
74. Manfred Mann
75. Wylie Human remains no show
76. Big Show
77. Glenn Maxwell
78. Glenn Robbins
79. Anthony Robbins
80. A girl I once shagged who’d once shagged Anthony Robbins
81. Dennis Lillee
82. Denis Compton
83. Peter Frampton
84. Peter Allan
85. Allan Moffatt
86. David Moffatt, remember him? The Kiwi rugby guy who was head of the NRL for an odd little period
87. David Warner
88. Candice Warner
89. South African model and philanthropist Candice Swanepoel who’s so beautiful it makes you feel ugly just looking at photos of her on the Internet
90. Sonny and/or Cher
91. Roger Moore
92. Roger Bannister
93. Tyrion Lannister
94. Tadgh Kennelly
95. Thomas Keneally
96. Tom, George, Luke and Sam Burgess, and their mum and entire extended family, and anyone they’ve ever met, and Russell Crowe
97. Burgess Meredith
98. My wife Frances’s best mate Meredith
99. Each of the 788 people who make up the population of Meredith the town on the Midland Highway between Ballarat and Geelong
100. Gary Ablett
101. God
102. Jesus
103. Israel Folau