Opinion
Did you see the first Test between Australia and New Zealand? Good. Then you also saw the second Test, which was identical in every meaningful aspect.
And yet, despite this, I’m contractually obligated to write a new set of ratings. Doesn’t seem fair.
But, fine. Here are the ratings for the second Test between Australia and New Zealand.
Grade: D
Going into the Test traditionalists were upset to discover that Bay 13 had been replaced by an outdoor function room that cost $200 per seat.
“Appalling!” harrumphed seasoned MCG veterans. “Where to now for the drunk-on-arrival Test-goers who have no interest in cricket other than the bit where they get to chant unpleasant abuse at opposition players who happen to be fielding near them before they’re thrown out of the ground at the end of the day after successfully building a beer snake, vomiting all over themselves and picking a fight with a security guard? Bloody fun police ruining everything.”
Turned out those fans just moved over to Bay 12. So that problem solved itself.
Still, on reflection, perhaps Bay 13 should have instead been replaced by one of those pools like they have at the Gabba. Maybe one for the kids who might otherwise get a bit bored on a long hot Test cricket day – of course assuming that the kids were old enough – say, more than 12 years of age).
They could call such an area ‘Bather Teen’.
And, no, I will not apologise for this bit of wordplay. Bloody pun police ruining everything.
Grade: The same grade it got last time
Kane Williamson won the toss, elected to field and, after Steve Smith predictably disrespected Greta Bradman by singing the anthem louder than her, the Black Caps bowlers went to work.
Trent Boult dismissed Joe Burns first ball, as you’d expect, sending the pro-New Zealand crowd into a frenzy. MCG so beige.
From there, however, the Test began to follow the same path as the previous one. Australia steadily concocted a series of strong partnerships. New Zealand proved incapable of mustering any kind of sustained pressure.
And Tim Paine targeted a score in the high 400s late on the second day, which is when he could send New Zealand in under lights to face Mitchell Starc with the pink ball. Solid plan. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Throughout all this Neil Wagner somehow bowled virtually all of New Zealand’s overs yet again. He dismissed David Warner, providing further evidence for the theory that Wagner is so effective against Warner because of the similarity of the spelling of their names.
Of course this theory doesn’t explain Wagner’s uncanny success against Steve Smith, whose name is traditionally spelled very differently.
I guess we’ll have to wait until Marnus Labuschagne faces off against Nepal’s Sandeep Lamichhane before this hypothesis can be properly tested.
(Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)
Grade: C+
Australia finished their first innings on 467 with Travis Head making 114. In reply New Zealand crumbled for 148 all out, with Pat Cummins taking a five-wicket haul, including one catch where Labuschagne demonstrated his Marnus Touch by dropping a catch at third slip in such a way that it somehow fell to Burns at first slip.
While the beautiful sight of a joyous Pat Cummins is what Christmas is all about, much of the talk through the teams’ respective first innings centred around DRS.
First, New Zealand, the so-called nice guys of world cricket, made the umpire feel just horrid by reviewing his not-out decision for LBW on Tim Paine and proving him wrong. Shame on you, Kane Williamson. Your mask is off.
Later, Ross Taylor was reprieved when DRS assessed the ball to be going over the stumps. And then, later still, the third umpire adjudged Mitchell Santner not out when he decreed that the movement of Santner’s wristband could have come from anywhere.
All these controversies had the commentators tying themselves up in self-contradictory knots, especially with regards to the ball-tracking.
First, they declared that ‘umpire’s call’ is nonsense. If the ball-tracking says that it’s clipping the bails, that should be out. If it says it’s missing, that should be not out. Simple. Why should the umpire’s decision have anything to do with it?
Then they almost immediately undercut that proposal by continually second-guessing the projected trajectory the ball-tracking system was suggesting. “Not sure how that wasn’t going over,” they’d mutter.
Come on, guys. You can’t have it both ways. Either the technology is so millimetre-precise that it should overrule the umpire’s decision on even the most marginal of calls. Or it’s so wildly error-prone that it deserves hearty ridicule several times a match when it says the ball’s wholly missing the stumps.
But it can’t be both. Choose your lane and stick to it.
Grade: B+
While this Test was going on, the Big Bash was also taking place. On the evening of the second day, Glenn Maxwell played one of those innings where he invents both the most dazzling of new shots – this time a kind of under-sliced scooped square drive for six off a wide yorker – and also a unique way of getting out – a reverse sweep that hit the toe of his bat and lobbed slowly onto the bail. Classic Maxwell.
I bring this up for only one reason, and it’s to do with our New Zealand visitors. We all know Glenn Maxwell hates the Big Show nickname. But we also know that everybody loves to translate the big man Colin de Grandhomme’s surname.
Proposed compromise: Can we all just call Maxwell ‘Glenn de Grandspectacle’ from now on? Thanks.
Grade: B+
Australia set New Zealand 489 for victory early on the fourth day and slowly worked their way through the required wickets until the visitors were bowled out shortly before stumps for 240.
The highlight of the day? A split decision between Tom Blundell’s century and Mitchell Starc’s no ball that hit the stump but didn’t dislodge the bail. Intelligent bails that defuse further controversy by refusing to come off when bowled by a no ball? That’s the future of cricket.
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