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Satire

Chariot for sale at auction. Model: Swing Low, Sweet

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Roar Pro
7th February, 2020
42
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This fine historic and vintage conveyance can be viewed by appointment at 200 Whitton Road, Twickenham, Middlesex TW2 7BA.

Vendors note: This high-cost chariot was built in 2002 for use in Australia the following year at the Rugby World Cup. It went far better than any of us expected, with the charioteers winning all battles and a lovely gold cup.

Please note this chariot does need some restoration. It is being sold without wheels, as these fell off on a recent trip to Paris, where an unexpectedly large and aggressive bunch of Gallic frogs attacked the chariot.

When the wheels fell off, the attackers made off with them for some unknown reason. We feel the new owners would like to find their own more reliable wheels.

We had hoped to fit the new Dombrandt wheel with Overcurry Pictcutter rims, but our driver has refused to import these superior items for the trip up to the hazardous Pictland this weekend.

This item is a restorer’s dream, with some body defects. This was inflicted in a recent trip out to Japan by a nasty gang of Boers, who beat up the charioteers quite badly.

There is a bit of Faf bomb damage, along with a number of dents sustained in a series of collisions with a big Caterpillar D9 Bulldozer, the supercharged Vermeulen model.

Auction date: TBA. Will be at Allianz Park, when a date is set for the big clearance sale of Saracen models which due to unfortunate circumstances are now surplus to requirements.

Finally, a plea from the heart. Chariot enthusiasts, please turn up in numbers with fat cheque books, as the proceeds of this sale will go to the Saracens Aid Fund, which as you will all know has been set up to help unfortunate charioteers and other types.

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These poor folk, through no fault of their own, have fallen on hard times and face serious loss of wages, with some facing the threat of having to emigrate to France, Pictland, the land of the Paddywagon, or worst of all, Wales.

And to rub salt in their wounds, the fine Saracens family are now being hounded in an attempt to take away the hard-earned family silverware.