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The Star Wars club cricket XI

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4th May, 2020
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It’s May the fourth, making it precisely the only day when talking about Star Wars characters as athletes is acceptable.

To get into the spirit of it, we’ve had a crack at putting together the ultimate club cricket XI made entirely of players from a galaxy far, far away.

1. Luke Skywalker
Super-talented opening batsman who burst onto the scene as a youngster with a daring, aggressive hundred against the best team in the comp. Every now and then he’ll start spouting some weird religious nonsense we’ve never heard of but everyone puts up with it because he’s so good with the bat. Has been known to disappear at the start of a new season, only to rock up again after Christmas.

2. Darth Sidious
Club emperor president and the oldest bloke in the team by a long way. Retired sparky who’s been in so many accidents that no one really knows how he’s still alive, let alone playing cricket. Is strangely aggressive for a codger his age. Weirdly attracted to red Staminade, but I’m sure that’s nothing, right?

3. Obi-Wan Kenobi (c)
Everyone’s favourite teammate. Stylish top-order bat who can do a bit of everything on the cricket field. Has an impenetrable defence and is lethal whenever someone tests him out up top. Comes up with the wittiest one-liners. No one will ever forget how he single-handedly rescued a three-match series on debut some twenty years ago.

4. Padme Amidala
Roped into the leadership group at a young age, she handled some early career turbulence well enough before maturing into a club stalwart. The whole team knows she’s getting it on with no.6, even though they think they’ve kept it completely secret. Has been known to choke and give up in tough situations.

5. Kylo Ren
Comes from a family of insanely good cricketers, but can never quite put it all together on the field and remains a massive disappointment to his father figure. Demands to be given the captaincy even though he definitely doesn’t deserve it yet. Has a full matching kit, but for some reason insists on using a bat which is cracking around the shoulders. Chucks a massive tantrum whenever he gets given out, often breaking his helmet.

6. Anakin Skywalker
Awesome junior all-rounder who was touted as a future Test star aged just 11, only to become more interested in chasing women instead, losing his way as a cricketer. Now spends his days murdering the bowling of opposition ten-year-olds before belittling them from point with some of the worst chat you’ll ever hear. Refuses to play beach cricket, which apparently has something to do with sand.

7. General Grievous (wk)
Popped up out of nowhere and instantly became club wicketkeeper. Despite his height, he’s able to stay impressively nimble and low behind the stumps. With the catches he takes, it’s like he’s got an extra pair of arms. Owns about seven bats but even then keeps trying to steal everyone else’s. Smokes three packs a day behind the clubhouse and no one can understand a word he says.

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8. Jar-Jar Binks
Why the fuck is this guy even on the team? It’s like he’s from another planet. Tall, uncoordinated bloke who’s so clumsy he gets stuck doing fine-leg to fine-leg to keep him away from everyone else. Considers himself a “character”, to everyone else he’s just weird and annoying. The absolute epitome of bats eight, doesn’t bowl.

9. Rey
Only started playing cricket because her parents realised they could leave her at the ground every Saturday morning without having to look after her, but turns out she’s actually pretty damn good. Tries all kinds of experimental stuff with the ball with no explanation for why, making it only more infuriating when it inevitably works. Rumoured to have had an affair with no.5, but no one really understands how it worked out in the end.

10. Darth Vader
Massive, intimidating unit who should be hurling down 100mph thunderbolts. Actually bowls off-spin on account of all the arm and leg injuries he had as a junior. We’ve never seen anything but glimpses of him at his destructive best, but rumour has it he was unstoppable back in the day. No one can convince him to ever bat without a helmet.

11. Han Solo
Opening bowler who sends down the new ball at record-breaking pace. Looks good when bowling, and knows it. Refuses to pay his subs, reckons the club should be paying him for the privilege of having him on the team. Always has money for a beer though.

12th man: Snoke
Mysterious ring-in your mate was talking up for ages, only for him to be bowled for a golden duck and never seen again.

Daniel Jeffrey and Stirling Coates wrote this nonsense.