Opinion
As mankind gradually emerges from COVID-19 and life returns to normal, we must plot a pathway to restoring rugby league all the way across this country from Bondi to Campbelltown.
Amid the devastation and illegal consorting of this typical coronavirus outbreak, the game has been afforded a much-needed opportunity to look into its practices. And to be fair, it didn’t really find much, especially money.
Most significantly, however, it was revealed relaxed attitudes towards engagement and border control were wholly to blame for the disastrous predicament the game finds itself in – that being, a competition involving the Broncos.
But can the game capitalise on this chance to right the wrongs of becoming a national competition? How can Sydney rugby league future-proof itself against another crisis such as the Melbourne Storm’s success?
With footy showing signs of returning to the good old days of one referee, amateurism and unvaccinated players at risk of polio, we can emerge on the other side in 1909 via the following three-point plan.
Stage 1
The project will be like any pandemic, with priority placed on vital time-critical issues. Hence stage one will involve changing the name of the competition, with the ‘N’ in NRL changed to NSWRL and then ‘Neutral Bay’ to reflect the new footprint.
As per gathering restrictions, Sydney will permit ten clubs in its home at this time, even though it really should only be five.
Police checks and on-the-spot fines will roll out across New South Wales penalising anyone from Victoria, Queensland and Canberra. These offenders will be ordered to promptly return to their respective states and territories, taking everything with them except Jack Wighton.
Jack Wighton. Welcome. (AAP Image/Lukas Coch)
Stage 2
Mandatory vaccination comes into effect, with a ‘no jab no play’ policy ensuring everybody outside New South Wales doesn’t get a flu shot, as per the guidelines set out in Project A-Pollen. This will be supported by a directive to interstate players to loiter in groups of 20 around police stations and press packs.
Heralding the new era of growth, an aggressive media campaign will be rolled out with a new theme song to the tune of Sesame Street.
Sunny day
Sweeping the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet
Can you tell me how to get?
How to get to Phillip Street
Stage 3
NSW borders close and all interstate travel banned, with clubs outside the state to begin working from home temporarily until the end of time. State treasury will enact a new currency, replacing the Australian dollar as legal tender with nostalgia.
Groups of 20 clubs or more are now openly encouraged in Sydney. Identification checks will be conducted at new state border checkpoints for teams travelling from neo-interstate regions like Newcastle and Wollongong.
All players in the new competition will be forced to download the COVIDSafe app, which will track movements to guarantee no player has been in close contact with Craig Bellamy or a theme park.
Following a two-week review to ensure the Bears are back, final checks will be made to ratify the utopian 1908 Inner Sydney and the state of New South Wales will be declared reopened. This will be marked by a Friday night football ratings bonanza between Wests Magpies and Annandale from Orana Park, and a government bailout.
Many may oppose this growth strategy as too radical and not growth. However, expert advice has determined expansion and globalisation is not the answer, even despite the advantages offered for playing surfaces by the flat earth we inhibit.
Provided we heed the experts call to ‘respect the medical advice’ and get rid of the Cowboys, and Australians adhere to this three-point plan, there is no reason we can’t reach July with our lifestyle and Glebe re-established.
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