Queensland is officially in crisis.
Mineral prices are down, tourism hubs are full of AFL players and of most concern, the only secure coach in the state is a New South Welshmen running the Titans.
Worse still, the state’s three proud NRL clubs are languishing near the cellar, while their beloved Maroons have now gone two barren years without winning eight series in a row.
But how does this deepening decay compare to earth’s other failing juggernaut, America?
As we know, Queensland and America enjoy many similarities. Both are geographical and cultural superpowers, both have exactly zero teams in contention for NRL finals and most notably, all of their problems can be blamed on Wayne Bennett.
Queensland first infiltrated the free world in 1988 with the Broncos, a significant move that underpinned regular Origin domination and spread the state’s imperial rezoning to include the Pacific Islands and Kempsey.
This resulted in a record eight-year stronghold on the interstate series that was broken only once in 2014, a blemish aggressively counter-attacked by the superpower with three more series wins and an all-Queensland NRL grand final, before flooding a heap of nut bars through the commentary box and the Senate.
Comparatively, America has enjoyed over 300 years of economic and cultural dictatorship – both celebrated and condemned – commanding the world scene with military might and seven serviceable seasons of Family Ties.
However, America now finds itself in the grip of social tensions, Soviet meddling and an overwhelming struggle against coronavirus, while Queensland have lost the Origin shield and the Big Brother House.
The former has particularly hurt Queensland, with public morale inextricably tied to the fortunes of its rugby league teams. For an American parallel, think of having to rely on the Brisbane Lions because you don’t have the Dream Team or Matt Petersen.
Timeline-wise, Queensland’s decline has been comparatively sharp and could be complete by year’s end. On the other hand, America’s has been in effect since the early ’50s, around the same time the Anthony Milford deal began.
To determine which international force is in the most rapid decline, we must assess the following categories:
The US is in a woeful financial state, with their national debt posted at approximately $24 trillion. Conversely, this equates to about half of Brisbane’s impending payout to Anthony Seibold.
While his approval ratings are nosediving, America could realistically re-elect Donald Trump, a man who implored his countrymen to inject disinfectant. In Queensland, they already do this with XXXX.
America is home to Florida, the state with the record for the highest number of recorded cases. Queensland’s equivalent is the Gold Coast, which has the same amount of glorious sunshine and community transmission, except it can afford David Fifita.
Law and order
Much like the Trump administration, Queensland have strived to maintain judicial control by appointing dubious judges to the Supreme Court bench, like Barry Gomersall. However, this was not enough to prevent the Cowboys falling victim to a raft of infamous robberies in the 2000s.
America enjoys a strong military presence both at home and abroad, while also boasting a handy win/loss record. On the other hand, Queensland have fared excellently out of both World Wars (Origin and Super League) despite the dissolution of the Northern Bloc (the Crushers, Giants and the Castlemaine Brewery sell-off).
Ronald Reagan, James Dean, Carrot Top – these are the names that maintain the soft power America is culturally renowned for. But ask any trendoid art critic and they’ll agree they’re nothing on a topless Choppy Close singing ‘Yippy Yi Yay’.
In summary, the rate of decline between Queensland and America will ultimately be determined by whether the man in the head office has a second term, and if the Storm will allow this to happen.