The Roar
The Roar

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement

Satire

When are losers allowed to smile at full time?

Autoplay in... 6 (Cancel)
Up Next No more videos! Playlist is empty -
Replay
Cancel
Next
Expert
3rd August, 2020
32

The global upheaval of recent times has produced countless debates on the complexities of human behaviour, namely how one should act after being drubbed by the Titans.

Should losing players appear disappointed come the final whistle, or can they treat it as a regular social setting like a nightclub, or in the Bulldogs case, naked karaoke?

Do we afford footballers the liberties of humans, or should losers be prohibited from laughing unless the laughing is about their own woeful performance, and according to atDragonsMick85374 on Twitter, the “wage these thieves are stealin as professional footballers?”

As one of the world’s most burning current issues, the topic of laughing losers in rugby league will not go away while ever we see the continuing decline of major brands like society and the Brisbane Broncos.

As we all know, emotions can run high after defeat, both on the field and off. This can lead to distorted judgment, causing fans to make rash appraisals and players to botch their convoluted handshakes. Time this x1000 if you’re a Queenslander, and another x1000 if you’re a Broncos fan.

Ryan Papenhuyzen of the Storm.

Ryan Papenhuyzen of the Storm looks dejected (Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)

With Brisbane in crisis, players have been accused of accepting defeat with apathy, crocodile tears and gleeful breakdancing, while the seasonal emotions of Brodie Croft have some demanding he shouldn’t be allowed to cry, smile, or play for the Broncos.

So how should losers conduct themselves at full time?

Just like the good old days, or however Twitter dictates, of course.

Advertisement
Advertisement

According to science, players cared more in the 80s. That’s because with only a handful of games broadcast each week, nobody could severely overanalyse body language or take unfairly-timed screen shots like the one that incriminated Arthur Summons for cuddling Norm Provan after a loss.

Like Gorden Tallis and Chris Close said, things would be better if things were like back in their day, when everyone would get so fired up they wanted to knock each other out- and that was just after the wins. And who of us are game to disagree with them?

It’s the reason Andrew Johns is considered the greatest of all time – not for the magical way he could control games or fall asleep at airports, but because he once pegged his mouth guard in disgust after a loss.

But of course, violent outbursts are not fit for all scenarios. For contentious cases of losing, simply apply this simple algorithm created from the online opinions of approximately one million complete and utter fruit bats.

Upon losing, players need to be robots and characters but also remember the reason they play the game while also doing what the bloke said on The Big Sports Breakfast, and then react to defeat on the field and not Instagram, but also on Instagram if you need a sponsored post because times are tough and footballers are human too.

Advertisement
Advertisement

Additionally, players should be upset proportional to their pay packet, meaning David Fifita may be in the uncomfortable position next year of dying from shame on a weekly basis.

Players need to be real, but also live on the edge of fear that they shed tears as soon as they hear the whistle, even at training or the train station. But the tears have to be real, they can’t be mimicked. This is a man’s game, we only accept faking for crowd noise and obstruction plays.

In summary, the conduct of footballers is to be determined by anyone but them. To make things easier, here’s a simplified guide outlining what you’re not allowed to do: shake hands (covid), not shake hands (Jack Hetherington), smile, laugh and/or cry.

Basically, just be Wayne Bennett.