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All Australia’s problems solved by freak Indian collapse

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Expert
24th December, 2020
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Australia faced more questions than answers in the lead-up to the first Test.

What to do with Joe Burns? Who is actually broadcasting the summer? And of the available options, which network did David Warner prefer?

But after a long and arduous journey stretching across almost 95 balls, Australia has now resolved every single one of its issues thanks to one afternoon of India nicking everything in sight.

Joe Burns
The Burns conundrum was complex. How do you drop a really nice bloke because he’s batting with a door snake? But from the moment the maligned Queenslander decisively brought up his 50 with a six spilt over the rope, only two questions remained: how many hundreds do we pencil him in for on Boxing Day? And why can’t Travis Head win us over with junk runs?

Opening combination
Openers. Remember when Australia didn’t have any? We were so desperate that we canvassed threadbare options for Adelaide like Marcus Harris, Tim Paine and a car seat. Yeah, I know right? Marcus Harris!

In the end, Burns and Matt Wade were given the nod. This wasn’t due to any superior suitability, but because Justin Langer overlooked the car seat as it wasn’t from Perth. But after reliably guiding Australia to within the winning target, the exciting new partnership had established itself in the nation’s hall of opening greats somewhere just below Mark Taylor and Michael Slater, and marginally above a car seat.

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All-rounders
It’s accepted as fact that Cameron Green had already eclipsed Wasim Akram and Kapil Dev even before his debut. That being his debut from the womb, not into the international arena. The lanky prodigy’s 11 was a knock of exquisite style and bone structure that culminated in a premature departure from the stage, thus leaving the scintillated crowd wanting more. Now that’s an entertainer.

Frankly, all Green needs is a packet of Clairol and a feud with Pup Clarke, and he’s already surpassed Shane Watson.

Captaincy
Tim Paine is our fearless captain until further notice. His DRS use is woeful, but handily, nobody has served a 12-month ban on his watch.

Tim Paine

(Photo by Mark Brake – CA/Cricket Australia via Getty Images)

Virat Kohli
The Indian maestro is no longer a headache for Australia after fleeing for home, most likely to stock toilet paper due to the growing outbreak in Sydney.

As such, Paine no longer has to control him with tactical genius, meaning it’s goodbye to shady catches in the gully and brain snap run-outs. It’s a colossal advantage, especially considering the difficultly involved in confecting the latter when you’re the fielding side (not because it’s hard to elicit a batsman’s indecision, but because Nathan Lyon might be receiving the throw).

Game plan
Australia had been prone to being inexplicably awful at times, especially with the bat. But now they know they can win from any position, and all they have to do is simply bowl out the opposition in 16 overs for record lows, and then let Marnus Labuschagne pile on the runs with edges between slips. And if there’s a hiccup, simply rely on the opposition to field with a standard of poor judgement only seen in drunken teenagers and BBL umpires.

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Covid
With Sydney in lockdown, fans could be cruelly robbed of the usual traditions that accompany an SCG Test – the grandeur and history of one of the great venues, set against the backdrop of a washed-out dead rubber.

Thankfully, the MCG could host back-to-back matches, thus gifting the public ten straight days of Chetweshar Pujara batting. This should see fans flock to witness the marathon man potentially top Sachin Tendulkar’s record, with many tipping he could pass the Little Master’s career mark of 15,921 some time on the afternoon of Day 4.

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