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Satire
In much the style that has bedecked his tenure, ARLC chairman Peter V’landys must hastily introduce another radical rule change to address the game’s latest disturbing trend: players with qualms.
V’landys currently finds himself under attack from a rumoured player revolt following a period of turmoil in rugby league, one so concerning for the chairman it could jeopardise the entire game or, worse, his dictatorship.
As such, the ARLC boss must grant appropriate respect to this challenge from the players by lending them a sympathetic ear and then ratifying his own chairmanship for life.
Footballers with consciences are the latest rugby league issue to emerge on V’landys’s watch, joining a long list of headaches burdening his diary that include concussion, blowouts and the resurgence of Manly.
Peter V’landys (Photo by Matt King/Getty Images)
The potential coup has emerged after senior players grew uneasy with the chairman’s style of consultation, with many frustrated at his ‘open forum’ method where all thinking is welcomed, provided it’s after the fact.
These player gripes have been met with a mixed reaction from the public, with some questioning their motives, while others have given it enthusiastic support after it spiked Paul Kent’s blood pressure.
However, the chairman has reportedly conceded to their demands by pledging a more inclusive discourse, one that exceeds his current model of negotiating changes through belated emails and the Daily Telegraph.
But to ensure the best chance of harmony, V’landys must go above and beyond in his efforts to subdue the players’ gripes, and the only way to guarantee this is by enshrining his unchallenged autocracy until the end of time.
Not only would everlasting tyranny for the supremo quell any lingering spat, but it would ensure his rule revolution would remain firmly intact, thus guaranteeing the game remains forever stable in a permanent state of flux.
Abolishing challengers for the ARLC chair would mirror the move to remove two-term limits introduced by Chinese president Xi Jinping, who much like V’landys now also enjoys unfettered local control of rugby league and also everything.
Like most of the ARLC chairman’s recent rule changes, the communist leader’s crackdown on rivals was approved with a resounding 107 per cent of the vote and the unconditional approval of local media.
A similar move from V’landys would guarantee perpetual harmony in rugby league and cement his as an everlasting life in his chosen field, much like other insurmountable tsars in Vladimir Putin and Nick Politis.
Any lesser move may be detrimental to his vision and, more gravely, be tantamount to democracy, an outcome V’landys can definitely not afford after the catastrophe of losing Phil Rothfield’s support.
With widespread injuries, confusion and blowouts besetting the game, the early goodwill for the Racing NSW boss has somewhat faded after a barnstorming start to his tenure as rugby league chairman.
V’landys had enjoyed widespread acclaim after entering the role following the retirement of rugby league’s previous all-encompassing boss, Cameron Smith.
The opening months of his administration were a heady period that saw him rescue rugby league through the COVID shutdown before finally delivering the game’s ‘Vietnam’ – the thorough pantsing of the AFL.
However, a series of radical rule changes introduced overnight has seen public approval evaporate, even despite his falling out with Gus Gould.