It took Australia just two and a half Tests to defeat England in the 2021-22 Ashes series and we haven’t even set a foot inside 2022 yet.

It is a great result for the Aussies, while the tourists were so bad that their future trips to Australia probably won’t require cricket gear.

Here’s a quick A to Z of what just happened in this lightning-fast demolition job.

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A. Adelaide
The first pink ball Test of the series saw Australia notch their second win for the summer, this time by a margin of 275 runs.

Australia lost captain and bowling spearhead Pat Cummins before the match due to a COVID technicality and were also without enforcer Josh Hazlewood.

But in their absence, Mitchell Starc and Nathan Lyon stepped up with 11 wickets between them, Michael Neser bowled well in his first Test and Jhye Richardson took five wickets in the English second innings.

Australia scored 9-473 in their first innings and England had no way of coming back from there, despite some backs-to-the-wall batting on Day 5.

B. Ball tearer
One lesson that not only Joe Root, but also those who saw him frequently writhing around on the ground in agony, will take away from this series is what an essential piece of equipment the protector is.

Perhaps Root’s manager can look into a sponsorship deal, or at the very least, put his collection of bent and cracked protectors up for auction.

C. Carey factor
Alex Carey has been waiting a long time for his chance in the Test XI and finally got it in the first Test of the series after the withdrawal of former captain and wicketkeeper Tim Paine.

Carey certainly didn’t waste his opportunity, with a faultless display behind the stumps, and set a new record for catches by a wicketkeeper on debut with eight catches.

He then backed up his keeping performance with an important half century in the first innings in Adelaide, and another half dozen dismissals in the second and third Tests.

And all done without any embarrassing banter from behind the stumps.

D. Depth
Australia’s batting ranks might be a little thin at the moment but how’s the bowling depth?

After 12 Tests as 12th man, Michael Neser was called in to the team in Adelaide and didn’t waste any time celebrating, belting 35 runs off 24 balls in Australia’s first innings and then taking a wicket with his second ball.

Jhye Richardson also got a rare opportunity in Adelaide. He bowled well but went wicketless in England’s first innings, and then knocked them over in their second innings, taking 5-42 off 19 overs.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better than that, Victoria’s Scott Boland made his Test debut in Melbourne at the age of 32. He took his first Test wicket in England’s first innings, and then totally blew the visitors off the park in their second innings, taking a phenomenal 6-7 off just four overs.

E. English press
The Australians have been saved a lot of time and energy by the English press this series as who needs to bother with sledging when you’ve got all of Fleet Street, and practically every bog average former English player, pouring scorn on the English team day after day.

It must be a comfort to the English team to know that everyone back home is behind them.

F. Fab fielding
Australia’s series victory is as much a product of their brilliant all-round fielding display as it was their bowling and batting.

From the first morning in Brisbane to the last morning in Melbourne, the Australian fielders have backed up their bowlers 100 per cent and taken nearly every chance that came their way.

From Carey behind the wicket to Steve Smith, David Warner, Cameron Green and Marnus Labuschagne in the slips cordon, and the outfielders when required, the catching was first rate, and the ground fielding kept the English batsmen under pressure.

G. Gabba graveyard
After a glitch in the matrix last year, order was restored when England were soundly defeated by nine wickets in three and a half days in the first Test at the ‘Gabbatoir’.

Just to add insult to injury, match referee and former Aussie drinking legend David Boon fined the English team their entire match fees as a result of their slow over rates.

Even the most biased Australian fan will consider this a little unfair as a fair bit of time was unavoidably lost while the English fielders were looking for the ball anytime Jack Leach came on to bowl.

H. Travis Head
Coming into the series as a controversial selection in the eyes of many, Head answered his critics and secured his place in the team for some time to come with a magnificent first-innings 152 off just 148 balls in the first Test in Brisbane.

He again seized the initiative in the second innings in Adelaide, knocking up a quick-fire 50 just when the team needed it.

I. Iron gloves
England have one of the best keepers in the game, but unfortunately Ben Foakes is watched the series on television back in England, while coach Chris Silverwood persists in giving the gloves to Jos Buttler, who is apparently a good batsman.

They got what they deserved on Day 1 of the Adelaide Test when Buttler displayed the catching skills of an inebriated park cricketer, putting down Marnus Labuschagne twice in the first innings and then dropping Steve Smith on the first ball he faced in Australia’s second innings.

Totally devoid of foot work, he then missed a regulation leg-side stumping of Marcus Harris on Day 2 in Melbourne. Did I say good batsman? There’s certainly no evidence of that either.

J. Jack Leach
Leach put in one of the best pie-throwing performances seen in Test cricket in Australia when he went for 1-102 off 13 overs in the first Test in Brisbane, and was deservedly punted for the second Test.

They brought him back for Melbourne where he took 1-46 but still wasn’t convincing. Surely he can’t be England’s front-line spinner?

K. Kookaburra balls
It seems that England just can’t cope with the Kookaburra ball, which is used in Australia, and most of the other Test-playing countries.

And without the swing-friendly Dukes ball, their bowlers largely resemble a bunch of park cricket trundlers.

L. Marnus Labuschagne
Labuschagne seemed to enjoy himself out on the field more than ever in this series, and if he wasn’t annoying the opposition and keeping the commentators amused with his idiosyncratic behaviour, he was scoring runs.

He scored 74 at the Gabba, and then followed that up in Adelaide with a century and a 50, and zoomed to the top of the Test batting rankings.

M. Marcus Harris
Harris is a much maligned cricketer whose Test average of 24.63 is way below his first-class average of nearly 40, but his innings of 76 in the third Test did as much to win the game and series for Australia as any of the bowling heroics.

Harris is just 13 games in to his Test career, and at just 29 years of age, I hope the selectors keep the faith.

N. Nathan Lyon
After what seemed like an interminable wait, Nathan Lyon, Australia’s third highest wicket taker of all time, finally broke the 400 Test wicket barrier in the English second innings in Brisbane when he took 4-91.

He then backed up that performance in Adelaide with match figures of 5-113 and 3-36 in Melbourne to be sitting on 411 wickets with two Tests to go in the series.

O. Overrated
Is it just me or does anyone else think that Ben Stokes is, and has always been, way overrated?

In this series he’s averaged just under 17 with the bat and has overall bowling figures of 4-249, and yet I keep hearing that he’s the world’s best all-rounder.

Really? Let’s hope England continue to believe the hype and keep him batting at five for years to come.

P. Pat Cummins
All the talk after Tim Paine dramatically fell on his sword before the series began was that a fast bowler can’t captain a Test cricket team.

Well anyone who has ever played cricket knew that this was an absolute nonsense, and Pat Cummins is now living proof that it can be done, notching up an Ashes series win in his very first captaincy gig.

It certainly didn’t appear to affect his own form either. Despite missing the second Test as a result of COVID protocols, he had overall bowling figures in the first and third Tests of 10-144 and he scored 33 runs, at a far superior average than English specialist batsmen Haseeb Hameed, Ollie Pope, Rory Burns and Zak Crawley.

Even his wicketless bowling spell at the end of Day 2 in Melbourne was one of the best of the series.

Q. Quittin’ time
We are led to believe that English coach Chris Silverwood has been carefully planning for this Ashes campaign for some years now.

And if this is true, and this is his plan, and these are the players he selected to implement the plan, then maybe it’s time for him to go and give someone else a turn at the helm of the sinking English red-ball cricket ship.

R. Joe Root
There’s no doubt that Root is a nice guy and one of the greatest batsmen that England has ever produced.

His achievements are there in black and white for all to see, but let’s face it, he’s a bloody awful captain and just led his side to their ninth loss for the calendar year.

Australians can only hope that England don’t replace him as captain with anyone with a clue anytime soon, although if I were Joe, I wouldn’t want the job of carrying the rest of this side on my shoulders for even one more Test.

S. Mitchell Starc
Rubbished by many of the game’s expert commentators, and Shane Warne, before the series began, Mitchell Starc has had the last laugh.

From the very first ball of the series when he clean bowled the clueless Rory Burns, it was egg on faces for his critics.

With the ensuing loss of both Pat Cummins and Josh Hazlewood for one and two Tests respectively, the scene was set for Starc to lead the attack and totally destroy England.

He didn’t let up for a minute, and showed the way for some of the less experienced bowlers who joined the team, finishing the first three Tests with overall bowling figures of 14-275 at an average of just under 20.

He also chipped in late in the batting order with 117 valuable runs at an average of 58.5, numbers the English top order could only ever dream about.

T. Third Test
The Boxing Day Test was a chance for England to pull one back in the series but they were absolutely caned once again by the Australians, who won by an innings and 14 runs.

Captain Pat won the toss and sent England in on a grassy wicket and the English batsmen soon fell in a familiar heap once again, with the Australian bowling honours shared in the English first innings, and then totally dominated by Scott Boland (six wickets) and Mitchell Starc (three wickets) in their second dig.

Who would have thought that Australia’s first-innings total of just 267, well-anchored with 76 runs from Marcus Harris, would be enough for such a decisive victory.

U. Unusual selections
English coach and sole selector Chris Silverwood must have overdosed on the hand sanitiser when he came up with his team for the first Test in Brisbane.

On a seaming wicket, he left out noted seamers James Anderson and Stuart Broad, who have a mere 1150 wickets between them, instead picking Chris Woakes and Jack Leach in their place.

Australia’s new captain Patrick Cummins must have struggled to keep a straight face when he received the English team sheet.

Then, in the next Test in Adelaide where spinners are invariably successful, he went without a spinner and also left out their fastest bowler in Mark Wood, and opted to go with five medium-pace bowlers. You couldn’t make this stuff up.

V. Vice-captain
Prior to Tim Paine’s omission before a ball had been bowled in the series, the chances of Steve Smith leading Australia in this Test this series would have been very, very slim.

Circumstances saw him elevated to the vice-captaincy for the first Test, and then a COVID complication for Pat Cummins gave him the captaincy in Adelaide.

That was not a problem, as Smith led the team to victory, scored just under 100 runs for the match, took six catches and even had a bowl. Welcome back, Steve.

W. David Warner
Warner likes nothing better than playing against England in Australia.

And although he didn’t score a century in the first three Tests, his 240 runs at an average of 60 were more than enough to take the points against the English bowling attack.

X. (E)xtras
Thank god for wides, no balls, byes and leg byes, who all contributed to be England’s third top scorer for 2021.

Based on their batting performances in Australia, it’s on the cards that extras will move into second place behind Joe Root in 2022.

Y. Young gun
Australia’s young gun Cameron Green is still a work in progress and took one step forward and one step back in the first three Tests of the series.

He finally broke through to take his first Test wicket in Brisbane and finished the first three Tests with overall bowling figures of 7-77.

On a further positive note, he’s now made the gully position his own and has cat-like reflexes for such a big man.

He took a step back with his batting though, with his only worthwhile score being 33 not out in the second innings in Adelaide.

But overall, he’s building into a very exciting prospect.

Z. Zero scores
England brought up their milestone of 50 ducks in a calendar year in their first innings at the MCG.

And who better to do it than Haseeb Hameed, with his second duck in five innings and the seventh by the English team. Way to go!