Crackling and Spanks: Grist for the Granny
Grand Final perennial Roy “Crackling” Pork and big-game specialist Wayne “Spanks” Spankle rev up for the pointy end.
Ben Pobjie
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Ben Pobjie is a writer and comedian whose promising rugby career was tragically cut short the day he stopped playing rugby and had a pizza instead. The most he has ever cried was the day Balmain lost the 1989 grand final. Today he enjoys the frolics of Wallabies, Swans, baggy greens, and Storm.
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Crackling and Spanks: All the dumb things
Eight-time best and fairest Roy ‘Crackling’ Pork and 17-time ‘Most beers drunk between Wollongong and Broken Hill’ record-holder Wayne ‘Spanks’ Spankle toss the pigskin around in a conversational sense.
Crackling and Spanks: Flighty umpires, flying kicks, fumbling Sam
Clutch performer Roy ‘Crackling’ Pork and big-game specialist Wayne ‘Spanks’ Spankle get down to business.
Crackling and Spanks: Finals fever, Kyrgios, and a Bolt from the blue
Community service veteran Roy ‘Crackling’ Pork and the doyen of gurus Wayne ‘Spanks’ Spankle get to grips with the week’s most get-to-grippable issues of the sporting week.
Crackling and Spanks: Finals fever, wobbly Wallabies
The mercurial utility Roy ‘Crackling’ Pork and journeyman maverick Wayne ‘Spanks’ Spankle give the straight dope on sport’s most pressing issues.
Crackling and Spanks: Wallaby woes, missing Dockers and The Voice
Ten-time player of the year Roy ‘Crackling’ Pork and lifetime MVP Wayne ‘Spanks’ Spankle sit down at the bar to get to the bottom of everything that’s going on in the world of sports.
Crackling and Spanks' Tuesday wrap: Cleary, Demons and the Pan Pacs
Living legend Barry ‘Crackling’ Pork and legendary larrikin Wayne ‘Spanks’ Spankle sit down at the bar to chew all the fat one week of sport can fit in.
Crackling and Spanks' Tuesday wrap: Not a good look
Hall Of Famer Barry ‘Crackling’ Pork and multi-medallist Wayne ‘Spanks’ Spankle sit down at the bar for a no-holds-barred chinwag about the week in sport.
Crackling and Spanks' Monday wrap: Tahs lose, Wales wins and Swans stink
Six-time premiership player Barry ‘Crackling’ Pork and legendary runner-up Wayne ‘Spanks’ Spankle sit down at the bar for a no-holds-barred chinwag about the week in sport.
Stop laughing, this is football
Is there anything more disgusting than a sportsperson being friends with their opponent? This eternal question came to mind this week after seeing Bernie Vince, after his Melbourne Demons went down in a close one to Geelong, chatting amiably with Cats star Patrick Dangerfield.
Let's fix all sports forever. Here's how
We all love sport, and what we love most about it is how easy it is to identify all of the things wrong with it.
This is how Australia will win the next World Cup
Now that the World Cup is over, it’s time to examine how Australia can do better next time and we can assume our rightful place as world champions in 2022.
Finally, a sensible guide to the World Cup: Part two
We continue our in-depth look at the ins and outs, the ups and downs, the rights and lefts and the protons and electrons of the nations of World Cup 2018.
Finally, a sensible guide to the World Cup: Part One
You’ve probably read a lot of World Cup ‘guides’ written by ‘experts’ and ended up shaking your head in exasperation, crying, “Goodness gracious these people are fools”.
Origin 1 teams analysed
Looking for an in-depth examination of the combatants in the upcoming State of Origin clash?
A rugby fan's guide to that soccer tournament in Russia
So you’re a fan of rugby? You like violence. You like brutality. You like a game with a decent chance of a man having his head stapled together at some point.
Time to let sports off the hook
I have for some time thought it might be a good idea for sporting bodies to give up attempts to act as moral arbiters, to restrict their jurisdiction to sporting matters only and get out of players’ private lives altogether.
An AFL fan's guide to that soccer tournament in Russia
As a devotee of Australia’s indigenous game, which is coincidentally the only game that truly matters, there are only two things you know about soccer.
Elite mateship: The answer to our prayers
And lo, the brown-nosed gnome came to lead us out of the wilderness.
OzBall, cricket of the future
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s England getting the jump on Australia. Whether it’s the Ashes, the Commonwealth Games, or Eurovision, it is unacceptable to me for my country to ever finish behind the Poms.
Point taken, but to me they are nowhere near each other at all. Cheating to gain an advantage is an inevitable consequence of competitive games existing. We expect sportspeople to strive as hard as they can to win, and though it’s unacceptable for them to break the rules to do so, it’s also understandable and something that speaks of trying too hard: it’s very relatable.
Match-fixing is not an inevitable consequence of competitive games, except inasmuch it is an inevitable consequence of gambling, which one might say was an inevitable consequence of competitive games. It is taking money to handicap your own chances of winning: the exact opposite of trying too hard to win. It does not simply betray our trust in sportspeople to follow the rules: it betrays our trust in sportspeople to even be trying to succeed.
Also it’s illegal, so there’s that.
Ten indisputably true things about the ball-tampering scandal
Afridi, I am guessing, didn’t conspire the way Smith and co did. Wouldn’t be surprised if there was some forethought in it though, give it was Afridi and he was no rookie to the ball tampering game.
Ten indisputably true things about the ball-tampering scandal
It’s not always trying to lose, but it’s never trying to win. Nobody bribes players to try their hardest and make decisions in the best interests of the team. Nobody ever pays $10,000 to a bowler with the words, “So on the 3rd ball of the eighth over, try to take a wicket”.
Ten indisputably true things about the ball-tampering scandal
Gavaskar wasn’t a habitual tortoise though, he had plenty of shots. I think in 75 he was just deeply offended by the idea of having to score such a ludicrous rate as 5 and a half an over, so he blocked it out as protest!
The out of time XI: History's greats taking on T20
I came VERY close to including O’Reilly. His wrong ‘un would’ve been devastating.
The out of time XI: History's greats taking on T20
Giffen would’ve been a good T20 bowler, but I believe his batting was more of the attritional kind.
The out of time XI: History's greats taking on T20
Which just confirms my theory that all modern problems stem from the Dogs 88 premiership team.
The depressing reality of the NRL's meat market
You can’t actually make statistics say whatever you want them to say. I want statistics to say Glenn Maxwell averages 80 with the bat and 15 with the ball in first class cricket, but no matter how hard I try, they simply won’t.
Picking Nathan Lyon in India would be a mistake
We might find out more about Smith’s willingness to bowl his all-rounders when he gets one in his team. Hilton Cartwright is no all-rounder.
Picking Nathan Lyon in India would be a mistake
Love it. I was going to write about Kyrgios but I need not because this piece is pretty much exactly what I would’ve written.
Nick Kyrgios doesn't owe you anything
Sadly, Kersi, it is. You can catch me weekly in the Green Guide and on Fairfax sites – but the daily column is gone I regret to say.
Stay strong, Sam Newman
I believe there was one occasion where Queensland didn’t select Lote Tuqiri because he was to be suspended, let him serve his suspension on the weekend, then brought him in as a last-minute replacement for the SOO game. Clever, really.
An even-handed look at Wade Graham
There is such a thing as cruel and unusual punishment.
An even-handed look at Wade Graham
I don’t have a brother. You have me confused with someone else.
Proof positive: Rugby league is the best
I have played a lot of sport. Which I guess means I never wrote this nonsense. I wonder who did?
Proof positive: Rugby league is the best
No, I was trying to hurt everyone. I am a wrecker.
Proof positive: Rugby league is the best
I have never heard of these writers you mention. I believe you are making them up.
Proof positive: Rugby league is the best
Are…are you accusing me of being a policewoman?
The official NRL player misdemeanour rate card
I have pictures of the Roar editors. Sick stuff.
The official NRL player misdemeanour rate card
Why would we need a gavel, when Lillee can simply call for order by kicking a batsman in the shins.
Ten indisputably true things about the ball-tampering scandal