Roar Guru
Joined September 2013
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I run a site for cricketer, Viv Tufnell. Viv operates in an alternate Sheffield Shield universe. Google Viv Tufnell on the interweb to find him.
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Each Sunday, I pass a tiny primary school oval in Albion when I drive to visit my mum. During summer, there’s always a scratch…
Unrealistic attempt here. You know, I’ve got to be the most misunderstood aspect of Aussie rules. I mean, the way umpires cruel me, you’d…
A few seasons ago, I had the good fortune to stumble upon Ian Chappell fielding some talkback on Fairfax radio during a rain break.…
The UK's ‘Daily Crock' has reported sensational new match fixing allegations in its online edition this morning. Just like its tabloid rival ‘The Sun',…
G'day, I'm soft free. Away teams hate me because they're seldom awarded me. I come in all shapes and sizes and all degrees of…
Greater Western Sydney's injury woes have gone from bad to worse this week, with a crop of new ailments plaguing the club, ranging from…
Pff, you know the saying, 'You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family'? Tell me about it! T20's invited me over…
If The Fonz were a cricketer, he'd be a T20 specialist. He'd open the batting and aim to score only 4s and 6s. If…
Australia's win in Pune wasn't just incredible, it was illuminating. Here's what we learnt from the match. Timeless Tests Should the ICC ever introduce…
With most Australian cricket fans sounding clinically pessimistic about our chances in the upcoming Border-Gavaskar series, it's no surprise that Indian fans sit smugly…
For most Australian cricket fans, the selection of Matthew Wade is a source of much frustration. Threads on sports sites are dominated by dissatisfaction…
Within forty eight hours of unveiling a revolutionary proposal to give international cricket more context, the ICC have announced that it is unworkable. Reading…
In continuing their policy to fast track young talent, Australia's selectors have chosen unknown, Timmy Bieber-Culkin, to replace Matthew Wade in the Chappell Hadlee…
Now I'm no efficiency expert, but it strikes me that the great game of cricket is saddled with an unacceptable degree of wastefulness. Indeed,…
The only way the Aussie cricket team is going to win in India is to get hi-tech; insidiously hi-tech. So let's get to work…
When I listen to Greg Matthews call cricket, I have a general rule not to think too much about anything he says. Doing so…
The Roar has managed to get hold of an exclusive chat with the famous Adelaide Oval security guard which is both incredibly insightful and…
The Gabba had a pool, the MCG will have a water slide! Yes folks, to keep up with the Joneses, the G is frantically…
Should the unthinkable happen, and future generations spurn Test cricket, what do they lose? Much of the game’s equivalent of flora and fauna, I…
‘The Don' here. Just thought I'd pop down and give my 99.96's worth on Adam Voges I note he's sitting second to me on…
Hey AD, yeah 99.94 it is. I think immigrants wanting to be new Australians fail a citizenship test getting that wrong, so I need to take a good hard look at myself
If we make the qualification 40 innings for the all time table, we keep Herbert Sutcliffe, George Headley and Graeme Pollock in the mix. We also save Adam Voges the embarrassment of becoming a quirk when history looks back on cricket’s greats in the decades to come
Voges filled his boots against mediocre attacks, but was found out against quality … actually, make that humiliated, because his record when the going was tough in England 2015, Sri Lanka earlier this year and just recently was pathetic.
Best for him and the game that his record is tucked away in a corner which only gets attention on pub trivia nights … like the Redmond average and Johnson’s 48 tour quirk.
The ghost of 'The Don' on Adam Voges
If the lolly was a Mentos, that would have put a bit of pep in the ball. we’ve all seen what a Mentos can do in those ads. Mentos = 1 match ban me thinks
Everyone lay off the South Africans, they only broke the law
Agreed. Dan’s a star. Loved the line about Voges honoring Bradman
The Liebke Ratings - Australia vs South Africa second Test
Quote from another website:
‘Adam Voges was next, and it is now difficult to imagine him retaining his place for the Adelaide Test. In his past five Tests – against Sri Lanka and South Africa – he has averaged 14.8. In the five before that – against West Indies and New Zealand – he averaged 342. Forget chocolates to boiled lollies, he has gone from chocolates to Brussels sprouts.’
Australia humiliated in Hobart, South Africa seal the series
Matthew H, are you the Matthew H? If so, we’d need ya!
Australia humiliated in Hobart, South Africa seal the series
Trivia question in 10 years: who was the world’s worst test batsmen to average over 50?. Answer: Adam Voges
Trivia question in 10 years: which Test batsmen averaged 30 over what should have been his true average? Answer: Adam Voges
Trivia question in 10 years: which fraud played 20 tests for Australia? Answer: Adam Voges
Australia humiliated in Hobart, South Africa seal the series
Made 11.00 am today more poignant than usual. Great piece Garry with a double r
Australian hero: Ross Gregory
Linphoma, $30 was a lot of money back in 1986. Hope you were able to get your life back of track from there.
"Is this your fifty, mate?": A day at the Sheffield Shield
Hey mds. Thanks for reading
I go to the shield at least 1 day a summer, but used to go a lot when I was a kid. I’ve always loved the Sheffield Shield and it kills me that it’s been devalued to a feeder comp. Of course, that’s what it always was, as Test Cricket is where the game works best, but back in the day, Shield cricket had a little prestige to it. Alas, it has no more. Still, I always have a great day with me mates at the Shield. And love a sledge that echoes all round an empty ground.
PS I reckon the shield fan wasn’t a scammer; me mate Mick is crippled with cynicism.
"Is this your fifty, mate?": A day at the Sheffield Shield
I should have guessed, Dan. But knock yourself out: your wit coupled with exaggerations is like coupling marble with Michelangelo.
The Liebke Ratings: Australia v South Africa first Test
Super funny as ever Dan
On sledging … I run a blog for a character called Viv Tufnell. Viv is a Sheffield Shield cricketer in an alternate universe and as you’d expect, things in alternate universes can get pretty zany. One of the zany things which happened recently was an incident involving a Queensland fast bowler named Pete Roche. Pete bowled a bouncer to Viv, and in evading it, Viv lost his feet and ended up on his arse. Viv, understandably, felt pretty indignant about it all (and especially seeing that it wasn’t much of a bouncer (it sailed a good 3 feet over his head)) and while picking himself up, he spars with Pete in an appalling and profane manner. This resulted in some zany and crazy outcomes; more zany than crazy, I have to say, but nevertheless, zany and crazy. Anyway, the upshot is that things eventually backfired on Viv (as they always do in the blog (and Jesus, what a tired formula it’s becoming!)), and as is his bent, Viv goes on to internalize his frustrations in a journal. This one went something like this:
‘Still on Pete
After getting back to the hotel after today’s play, I emailed him about his “bouncer”. I said, “If that was a snorter then snorters are now as devalued as the Zimbabwean dollar.” I said, “You put a Bon Jovi spin on fast bowling in that ‘You give pace a bad name’.” I said, “With you it’s not chin music, it’s chin muzak.” I said, “When you bang it in short, your toes curl up to avoid being hit.” I said, “They don’t use a speed gun to measure your pace, they use time lapse photography.” I said, “If you were in Douglas Jardine’s attack, they wouldn’t have called it Bodyline, they’d have called it ‘A chorus line’.” I said, “If you were in Douglas Jardine’s attack, he would have ditched Bodyline and reverted to a plan B; it being: lobbying to change the rules of cricket so it was more like Hopscotch.” I said, “Your Cricinfo profile has you bowling ‘Right Arm Pies’.” I said, “Batsmen don’t evade your bouncers, they avoid them the way they would a bore at a party.” I said, “The fast bowling union don’t want you on their picket line.” I said, “If you keep bowling shit like you did today, The Gabba will need to install toilets on either side of the pitch (and one’s with heavy duty flushes!!)”’
Viv then reveals that Pete emailed him back a little later and said he was going to smash his head in. Though, he made out he wasn’t, I reckon that made him a little scared.
Let's make sledging great again
All my prayers have been answered. Thank you to every god in the book!
Prepare your ears: Nine names cricket commentary team with one big absentee
“it’s apparently a five thousand kilogram rooster. Or, as it’s more commonly known, Quinton de Kock.”
Hilarious
Super terrific read again, Dan. You’re a breathe of fresh air
The Liebke Ratings: South Africa vs Australia First ODI
Hey Tim. Sure Australia batted first in all 4 tests in India in 2013, but all Indian venues are raging turners from day 1. Our record batting second suggests we don’t play well when the pitch is wearing, and we can certainly be sure that when it’s wearing, the opposition would have their spinners in operation. Be interesting to see something more granular about how spinners performed against us while batting first or second.
Australia's weakness batting second to be Tested in Sri Lanka
Australia’s recent record of 13-2 batting first, and 6-8 batting second is telling. I came across a cricinfo article that says since 2000, the record for all Test teams batting first was 217-250 (up to 2013). It’s clear we’re no good against spin.
Australia's weakness batting second to be Tested in Sri Lanka
Super funny Dan. Loved it.
And what a fabulous test match.
The Liebke Ratings: Sri Lanka versus Australia first Test
Love it Mahir. The Lankans are wiping the floor with the Aussies. Flat track bullies at home, and woeful away. Go Lankans!!!!
Australia will thrash Sri Lanka in the Tests and it won't be close
Thanks Roar readers … sold 3 this morning already!
The Grade Cricketer: The first chapter
Hey Jason
Yeah, I just loved me stats when I was a kid. Both footy and cricket. I reckon today’s kids have it better than us too. When I was 10, and stats crazy, all we had was kicks marks and handballs. Today’s kids have shitloads to pore over don’t they? It’s a paradise for them.
Alternative stats that would split the pack
Hey PP VII
Big Tank? Yeah, that’s definitely something. They now measure the distances players cover in games don’t they? So a stat that details who have the biggest tanks in footy would really be telling (and it would have to be relative to time spent on the field, of course.)
Dropped marks? Another beauty. And I’m thinking not just dropped marks, but dropped sitters (should cut the players some slack when they drop them when there’s heat on them.)
Head contact got away with and not got away with? I reckon the tribunal takes care of the later, but got away with? Sounds a bit ghoulish, but what the hey. Maybe a new column for this one, as it’s neither heroic or where I’m going with my dishonorable stuff. Title it .. say .. Fiendish Acts?
Anyway, Big Tanks … I love it.
Alternative stats that would split the pack
Hey Gecko
Yeah, courageous / heroic / valiant acts … they all stick don’t they? Can’t think of how many times I’ve seen a team raise it a notch right after one of their teammates put themselves in harms way. I reckon marks when you’re running back with the flight are worth 100 soft disposals. Conversely, how many times have you seen a team go to water right after one of their players shirked from a avoidable collision? The opposition feed off it, too.
Alternative stats that would split the pack
I’ve always loved the Swans. Like most Melbournians, they were my second team in the 80’s and 90’s. I especially admired them for doing missionary work for the code in NSW. Tough gig that, and I thought whatever concessions they got from the AFL was necessary to prop them up. On them now being despised, I concur. I know a lot of folks who also used to have them as their second team who are now hostile towards them.
Once admired, the Swans are now despised
Are you the Matthew H, or just a Matthew H? Anyway, Hado, why be so precious about someone parading as the Don? I think the Don would be mortified to have his record devalued by the Voges development in the all time table. Don’t think I disrespected his legacy whatsoever … well apart from not nearly doing a good job of it as a Gideon Haigh or a Greg Baum.
The ghost of 'The Don' on Adam Voges