Satire
Like the Brisbane Heat and Darren Lehmann, was your 178 per cent compatibility rating on RSVP a lie?
After a promising beginning, have you both revealed an unwillingness to change? Do you now secretly dream of being unfaithful by playing in the V?
Do you suspect your partner harbours a shameful prejudice against part-timers because he’s quite possibly stuck in 2006, which coincidentally is the same year he took his misleading clean-shaven profile picture?
Like Brisbane and Boof, identical traits had you swearing it was meant to be. With mutual ideals for adventure, you both envisaged a future together with a house, a dog and the natural progression of all strong marital bonds: a Chris Lynn century inside the powerplay.
(Michael Dodge/Getty Images)
But after a honeymoon period of excitement and hot, tumultuous run-making, the union has gone sour. The once adorable way he encouraged you to play your natural game has become destructive, and now you’re resorting to counselling and Joe Burns.
Unfortunately you are trapped in your unhappy bond, blinded by unconditional love and contractual obligations. While you cling to hope your marriage is a divine gift, the roller-coaster of nausea means it’s actually nothing more than a match made in heavin’.
Here are the telltale signs you should both just give up.
You’re uncertain around him
You once had butterflies at the mere sight of his muscly beard, but now you are racked with confusion. Does he want me to settle down? Or target the short boundaries and put this spinner on the roof? One minute you’re talking marriage, and next thing you know you’re 5-57.
Your relationship is affecting others
People once gravitated towards you. This was because of the magnetic pull of your personalities, plus your home had a pool. But now your curmudgeonly style is infecting everything it touches – most scarily Marnus Labuschagne. After only a few hours in your company he mistimed his first ball since the Turnbull administration. Not even AB de Villiers is immune. The only viral six he’s hit since arriving is his average.
His demands are becoming unreasonable
Has the novelty of quick hands worn off? Have you grown tired of his exhausting spontaneity and unquenchable appetite? Sure, you were open to 13 per over on the honeymoon, but when he began demanding 19 at a time without restrictions, you knew you needed an expert. Or a pinch hitter.
His bad habits are rubbing off on you
Remember when you could swallow your pride and acknowledge your faults and see off a dicey part-timer to preserve wickets? Not anymore, because now you’re just six-addicted. In fact you’ve become so single-minded and over-simplified that it’s even beginning to harm the reputation of your partner, a man who’s entire mantra is ‘watch the ball, c***’.
Your family and friends are worried
You and your partner’s floundering has been rather harmless up to now and, if anything, somewhat entertaining. After all, it’s only Queenslanders you’ve been hurting. But now friends are no longer returning your calls and you can’t even fill the Vulture Street End with family. This is because you’re a pathetic mess who is seeking meaning in hooking impulsively and chasing wide ones.
You let each other down
You both promised you had each other’s backs. You also promised each other a finals series. But now talks of dreams and titles have been replaced with clinical and aloof discussion. Things like financial troubles, work stresses and the mathematical equations needed to qualify for the play-offs. Apparently all you need is for a few results to go your way, such as an immediate reversal of your inherent pathological habit of self-implosion and the unplanned return of Tom Banton.
You’re not excited about your future
Grand visions to conquer the world together are gone, long replaced with the stifling constraints of reality and poorly scheduled tours of India. While your partner always included you in his plans, now you’re beginning to see it for its faults. You know you both can’t survive forever on stemming the run rate with regular wickets and then asking your bowlers to protect the total.
You think it’s time for change
As per any normal day-to-day marriage, perhaps you just need The Counsellor? Not an expert in relationships; that’s the nickname for James Pattinson nowadays. Move him up the order.
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