A Letter from Michael Clarke: make me captain

Dear Australia,

I am Michael Clarke and I am writing to apply for the position of Australian Test captain that my source at Channel Nine tells me is due to be vacant shortly.

Michael Clarke definitely believes that @MClarke23 is now fully equipped to take the mantle from Ricky. Punter has been a great captain but Michael Clarke will definitely be better. Michael Clarke knows it and hopes youse do too.

It is definitely no coincidence that Michael Clarke has been talked about as Test skipper for some years. Not blowing my own trumpet but @MCLarke23 really is that good.

One of my referees, Warnie, will voucher for that. Warnie is my mentor and my inspiration. He is a live-in legend and hence I should be Test captain.

My experience as ODI and T20 captain means Michael Clarke definitely can do the job. I think my record definitely speaks for itself. @MClarke23 has been Test vice-captain too, but I definitely had nothing to do with any of Ricky’s wrong decisions.

Punter had no idea after Warnie and McGrath retired. And his field placements where always wrong to. If Michael Clarke ever makes a wrong decision, I promise to share full responsibility equally with teammates, coaching staff and the best selectors in the world. Hence I should be Test captain.

To be honest, Michael Clarke has had a tough Ashes series. But @MClarke23 feels like he has definitely been hitting them really well in the nets and a good score is just around the corner.

Michael Clarke has also been really helping the young guns in the team as well. My new BFFs, Hughesy and Smithy, really respect me and have secretly told me that they want me to be there skipper. Hence I should be Test captain.

And Michael Clarke has done better than Ponting with the bat. Between youse and me, his eyesight is struggling and his reflexes are gone. Don’t tell him I told you but. Hence I should be Test captain.

Michael Clarke also heard Punter is giving our team secrets away. Michael Clarke definitely heard him in the rooms talking to Andy Flower and Straussy about how unbearable Watto is to have around the team. Nobody likes him. Watto that is. But that’s not the point. Ricky’s not well liked either although he will always definitely have my full support until he decides his time has come. Hence I should be Test captain.

As youse know, Michael Clarke is heaps suited to the job as Australian Test captain. That thing with Kato before was all because of my girlfriend.

You probably didn’t know, but me and Lara split up a while ago. It was really sad, but I’m definitely totally over Lara know. Totally. I really am.

I must admit though that Lara was a rock for me. Lara made such an impression on me and for a while, I wanted nothing more than to be with Lara. And to be Test captain. Lara wanted so much for me to be Test captain too, because we wanted to take on the world together and make it a better place for our family. And our pet’s.

Lara will be with me forever. I’m over Lara now but. Hence I should be Test captain.

If anybody else becomes the next Test captain, Michael Clarke will be extremely disappointed. If that happens @MClarke23 may even quit and let Australia try to survive without him. Good luck with that Australia!

There is nobody better in the country to do the job and youse all know it. The decision is yours. As Warnie says, there’s no ‘I’ in team, but their is in Michael Clarke.

Awesome bra!!!

Your captain in waiting.

Michael

A note of clarification from Michael Clarke’s agent / life coach:

I take no responsibility for any spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, poor punctuation, dubious sentence structure, chronic repetitiveness and mixed metaphors used in his application letter. I acknowledge that the letter could do with some fine-tuning; though I understand Shane Warne has proofread it. Michael pays me too much to argue.