Forget salary caps, concussion rules, lockouts, PEDs and heavy workloads during rep footy season – the single greatest factor influencing your team’s results every weekend is the Tony Soprano paradox.
Doesn’t it seem astonishing that after countless acts of murder, assault, extortion, torture, illegal gambling, drug trafficking and money laundering, the only thing the feds ever arrested Tony for was giving his ailing mother, a stolen airline ticket?
For whatever reason, the authorities just couldn’t punish him for anything.
Well, the same applies to sports; some teams can proverbially ‘get away with murder’.
For a team or individual to benefit from the Tony Soprano paradox, they must exhibit the following characteristics:
1. They must be unanimously loathed by everyone other than their own fans. Even Tony’s own mother and uncle conspired to have him clipped!
2. They must possess a great amount of money and power, obtained through slightly shady means. While sports team officials may not carry money-filled duffel bags and force payments through knee-cappings, the mere thought of a powerful, cashed-up team is intimidating.
3. They must be inexplicably popular with attractive women. There is no way the balding, 300lb, two-chinned Tony is landing Irina, Gloria, Valentina and Christopher’s stunning Vegas mistress without some supernatural forces at play.
With these elements in mind, let’s look at a detailed case study of the Tony Soprano paradox, influencing one of the most popular sporting leagues in the world:
Case study – Chelsea football club:
In Chelsea’s last two league games alone, the referees have awarded them two outrageous goals against Tottenham (the first, a terrible linesman’s call that had everyone again calling for a video review system on goal line incidents), refused to send-off Ivanovic, after at least two clear-cut offenses against Manchester United and declined to penalize Chelsea in the same game for two blatant infringements in the penalty box.
Was Chelsea just experiencing a very, very fortunate run with refereeing decisions or is the spirit of Tony Soprano living on at Stamford Bridge? Let’s look at the criteria:
Criteria #1: CHECK. Loved by their own fans, but to others, there is arguably no sports team in the world with more philanderers, divers and generally unlikeable characters.
Think John Terry, Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard, Didier Drogba, John Obi Mikel, Branislav Ivanovic, Nicolas Anelka, Fernando Torres – the list goes on and on.
Criteria #2: CHECK. Owned by the entertaining Russian oil tycoon Roman Abramovich, who has been allegedly involved in various wrongdoings such as blackmail and loan-fraud.
Criteria #3: CHECK. Some examples of female Chelsea fans include Sienna Miller, Tara Reid, Danni Minogue, Geri Halliwell and, once-upon-a-time the lovely Cheryl Cole.
Rest easy, EPL fans. Once the Tony Soprano paradox takes effect, you are essentially like one of the women, Tony sets his eye on, powerless.
Here are a few more cases of the Tony Soprano paradox around the world:
*The 2010-11 Miami Heat: Hated after ‘The Decision’ and ‘Welcome Party’, yet somehow were awarded 38 free throws to Boston’s 20 in Game 5.
*The Sydney Roosters: Silver-tails of the NRL and never get punished for their numerous off-field indiscretions like other clubs are. Why was Todd Carney de-registered by the NRL, when he was playing for Canberra, yet on his ‘last warning’ at the Roosters, the NRL did nothing?
*The Indian cricket team: Have all the power and influence in world cricket, and as the farcical 2008 tour of Australia showed, rival cricket boards will comply with their every demand.
*FC Barcelona: Jose Mourinho even perfectly described the Tony Soprano paradox in his now infamous post Champions League press-conference.
So next time you want to bag the referees/umpires over a poor performance against your team, check to see if the opposition display the three characteristics of the Tony Soprano paradox.
Then, all you can do is to just sit back like Bobby Bacala and think, ‘Quasimodo predicted all of this’.
Tristan Rayner
Editor
Ha, who says we'll print anything Phil?! I do really like the sentiment though, and (some) wise words mixed in with the usual Phil Osopher "garbage" that occasionally is printed. Seriously though, we enjoy strong opinion writing and great writing always, always works. Great writing is hardly ever formulaic. Don’t linger in your comfort zone - get out there. Cheers, Tristan. Roar Ed.
Bondy
Guest
An interesting outlook on sport, overall i think Cheryl Cole was the big winner in the English Premiership this season.
Phil Osopher
Guest
Cool. Nice work. Im not smart enough to grasp the finer points of your argument but i like the general jist of it. I was also bemused at how Tony used to pull those girls. Nice to see something a little different bless the page - but note you won't get much response from such antics, but keep it up, I liked it. Message to all the writers in the blue column: "you dont have to try and be exactly the same as someone who writes for the Daily Telegraph. You have the freedom to do whatever you like, like this guy did, the guys here will print it, they'll print anything, even my garbage got printed. So why not try and expand your boundaries a little, run the line; put the mascot on in the front row; get Stan Jurd out of retirement, give him a jersey and tell him to put his head down and run straight; ask the cheer girls if they want to hang out in the car park with you after the game; something different. There are a a gazillion reporters who can rap off a report about the merits of a player or a team or the NRL expansion policy. If I want to read the run of the mill, I go to the Daily Tele and read the trite that Andrew Webster belches up regularly." He's a real treat. Thats all.