Three ways to spice up the NRL mid-season

Yes, it’s that time of year again. It’s cold, it’s wet and you don’t have a clue who half the blokes in your footy side are.

Now don’t go reaching for the terrorist fridge magnet, I’m not going to say something un-Australian like I don’t like Origin or the endless, endless amounts of press that goes with it (“Ricky Stuart fights constipation” – Origin Exclusive).

It’s just that it’s a bit depressing to see the NRL comp pushed to one side like a home-grown Neighbours hottie when Pippa Middelton walks into the room for a couple of months.

It has become obvious that during the Origin period where there are split rounds, players missing/backing up and a media black hole created by the interstate series, the NRL comp could do with some jazzing up so as to to capture its fair share of the media headlines. So here it is sports fan, three ways to spark up the NRL mid-season:

3. Futurismo round

That’s right, instead of rolling out musty old jerseys, incontinent ex-players and grainy photographs for a ‘retro’ round lets think outside the square (by which I mean copy American baseball) and invest in a ‘future’ round. It would be ace.

All the teams could wear wacky jerseys from the year 2099 (the same year the Independent Commission was founded), there would be new space age playing rules and all the fans would get to feel the action through virtual reality headsets.

The game would never have any dud ref calls as they would all be highly intelligent robots and the sidelines would be electrified to stop any Hayne-type nonsense.

The only downside of this idea is that taking into account inflation over the next 88 years, a pie with chips and soylent green at half-time may set you back approximately $873.

2. Reality TV

Rugby league has dipped its toe into the reality TV market over the years, but for mine it hasn’t been done anywhere near to its potential. The possibilities are endless!

Team Steggles should be first off the mark with his new show “Big Rooster”, a 24 hour surveillance-type exercise where all the Roosters players, partners and tattooists are chucked into a Bondi apartment together with Ian Shubert and David Gallop evicting one every week (Todd Carney would be a raging hot favourite to never get punted, of course)

Also we could have “Gus’ Apprentice”, a show where various assistant coaches complete ridiculous tasks such as driving Ray Warren to the airport, picking the winner in Race 3 at Randwick and cage fighting Mark Geyer in a bid to become the next coach of Penrith.

Finally, we could have the “Queanbeyan Fugitive”, a show wear the average Joe off the street follows a series of cryptic clues and hints in an effort to find the hiding place of Canberra player Matt Orford to win a year’s supply of green milk.

1. Park penance

With this idea every player does an Adam Cuthbertson and gets dropped to park footy for a weekend to play for their junior club.

The Dragons have been putting their excess NRL players into the local Illawarra league this year and the results have been outstanding, there’s nothing like paying Berto the Bricky who you went to school with $20 to put a shot on Peni Tagive only to see him annihilated in trying to do so!

It would be a winner in more than one way.

Players who are getting too big for their boots ala Jarryd Hayne would get a quick reality cheque when the team’s 94-year-old strapper ‘Gonzo’ knocks back half a flagon of port pre-match, and the captain Daveo burns his fingers trying to mould his new mouthguard in a Styrofoam coffee cup full of boiling water as the team is running on the field.

Roosters’ players wouldn’t whinge about a club’s facilities ever again as Big Bruce the team’s manager backs up the only dunny in the shed at half time forcing the players to have their orange quarters and cordial behind the back of the grandstand.

To top it off, fans would get to see some top flight rugby league players all from the comfort of the front seat of their Commodore and the local clubs would do a roaring trade in steak sandwiches and generic brand soft drinks. Everyone’s a winner.

So thrill seekers, these are my ideas. Anyone got anything better?