State of Origin is a unique rugby league event in that the enormous media coverage it receives ensures that on game night, weekly rugby league fans are joined by a number of more casual observers.
Now, this may be great for the marketing teams producing the avant-garde beer commercials that litter the telecast, however it does mean that your humble Origin party can become an uneasy melting pot of the self-important, the ignorant and the inane.
So, in the interest of group harmony, here are five house guests that you should avoid like a Luke O’Donnell spear-tackle head-butt combo come Wednesday night.
5. The bloke who hasn’t watched a game of rugby league in 20 years
Generally an older relation or work colleague who has been dragged away from watching ‘Heartbeat’ for the evening by a well meaning friend. He cheerily plonks himself down on the couch and asks the bewildered Gen-Y next to him whether “Big Artie is coaching again this year?”
Throughout the entire game he stares at the TV confused as if looking for sub-titles that aren’t there, and wondering aloud to the crowd’s growing annoyance as to why there are two referees, who’s winning the scrum count and why is Wayne Pearce playing halfback. Just after half-time he appears to have a minor nervous breakdown when a 40/20 is kicked by junior Pearce and leaves to go and have a Becks and a good lie down.
4. The out of towner
The out of towner has a pretty decent working knowledge of modern sport but finds himself hampered by the fact that he hails from a far-flung part of the world (Scandinavia, Canada, Adelaide etc) where rugby league receives little free-to-air exposure. Usually tolerated during the opening stages of the match and nursed through some of the basics of the game, he quickly finds himself sitting next to #5 once he starts talking about laterals, offside traps, penalty corners and barracking. Is politely asked to leave when he asks at the 20 minute mark as to whether he’s watching league or union.
3. The gambling addict
Whilst the rest of the gathering is content to hold a first try-scorers sweep, the gambling addict has a bet on the margin, overall points scored, first point scorer, number of times Phil Gould says the word ‘spirit’ during the match pre-amble and whether or not Ricky Stuart will assault the referee in a Brisbane hotel Thursday morning.
The gambling addict makes a continual pest of himself by forever reminding everyone around him about all the ludicrous exotic betting options he’s taken up, bragging how he’ll tell his boss to shove it when Petero Civoniceva kicks the winning field goal and generally spending the majority of the match ignoring the game to look at live margins (and bank accounts) on his iPhone.
2. The man-child
The man-child is the bloke who rocks up with a full camping esky, a bottle of rum, is clad head to toe in his state’s colours, and has his face painted like a five year old at a school fete. Despite the fact that Origin is on a weeknight, by national anthem he’s drunkenly boisterous; by half-time he’s spilt half a dozen drinks on your carpet, spear-tackled the pot plant and got in an argument with your neighbours after urinating in their front yard.
Come the climax of the match his teams getting lapped, he’s lost interest in the actual football (not that he ever really cared anyway) and starts slurring for players to ‘go the biff’, bemoaning that all the players are a ‘bunch a sheilas!’ and to ‘bring back Lazo’ before passing out face down in a his leftover BBQ meatlovers.
1. The could have been
The could have been is your stockily built friend who despite reaching the lofty heights of the Mudgeeraba Redbacks reserves likes to think of himself as having a special insight into in all things professional rugby league. Usually he’ll rock up a little bit earlier than everyone else with a couple of soft drinks and ask if he can put the game on the 34cm TV in your garage so that he can sit somewhere and “hear the commentary” and not “not miss any of the action.”
More often than not he’ll emerge midway during the second half to enlighten the footballing Philistines as to how everything he had predicted would happen has happened and try to give an over complex bio-mechanical analysis of Jamie Soward’s goal kicking routine. The response is generally a polite silence as everyone ignores him and wonders why his fantasy football team is continually lapped by Debbie the Canadian from accounts.
Am I missing anyone, sports fans?
Dean - Surry Hills
Guest
If you are in Vientiane, the game should be shown on the Australian Channel on a pay-tv service. I can't remember any television services in Vang Vieng, or Luang Prabang though - probably because I was running amok and having too much fun at the time. Great memories of watching Manly trounce the Storm in The GF a few years back, at the Aussie Bar in Sihanoukville, Cambodia. Your mentions of Laos makes me want to hop on the next available flight, jump on a bus from the capital, and then head straight to Vang Vieng for a repeat of some of the best days of my life.
The Ferret
Guest
Absolutely loved the analysis! I have met all of these mentioned in the article and the comments. Just one more to add is an extension to that already mentioned by "me, i like football". The Tipper - this guy/girl is absolutely convinced that their weekly tips control the results of the sporting world as we know it. Whether its NRL, AFL, State of Origin or horse racing, they apparently put the mocker on the team they have tipped. "Oh New South Wales will never win. I've tipped them." How many times have you heard this? Drives me insane!
The Cattery
Roar Guru
This was a very funny article, and some of the comments have been great additions. Some twenty years ago, I had the opportunity to be a combo of the out-of-towner and housemate. For two years I shared a house with a couple of other blokes, which, on reflection, was the archetypal bachelor's pad. This meant being part of an SOO party each time SOO was on, and filling the lounge room with about a dozen blokes on each occasion. One house mate was a rugby boy, the other was an ex aussie rules/soccer player who also followed League with the same relish, especially SOO, and the rest of the boys were all Leaguies, from what I can remember. I always got into it, and had a great time, a few beers, a few laughs, bets on MOTM, long winded post-mortems, etc. etc And I can say without fear of contradiction that over those two years, and six SOOs, I do not ever remember a code war discussion arising, ever. Where has it all gone wrong?
AndyS
Guest
...enough of which will also help you sleep. Big difference between the two on waking though (hmm, now I'm wondering if anyone ever tried Becks with bex)
Anna Harrington
Roar Rookie
Top article and one I think could be easily applied to the AFL Grand Final as well! Just one thing - you forgot some of my fellow Victorians. This group, while appearing to support Queensland, are really just following the Storm players. By Storm players I of course mean Slater, Smith and maybe Cronk (recognising Dane Nielsen may be a bit of a stretch), all of whom can do no wrong!
JVGO
Guest
Thread of the year...All I will add is Kiwis, god love ém.
The Answer
Guest
Good work. Just a note though it's have a "Bex" and a lie down. Bex is a powder which was popular in a former years and would help you sleep (Mummy's helper). Becks, as you know, is a beer.
Stevo
Guest
Try actually going to the ground for an origin with a loud #4, and you can feel the resentment from all of the surrounding fans as you explain why the bloke is now allowed to kick out on the full. Moreso when he keeps repeating loudly that you go for the enemy while trying to ask a question, or off hand whispered comments about disliked players from the home team (your team, that useless dragons player etc.)
JohnB
Guest
Nice article - a burning question though - was "Becks" a typo for "Bex" or a clever play on words? An afternoon of apprehension for me - the only coverage available here in Laos is live streaming. And you don't want to be pinning too many hopes on live streaming in Laos. The crowd here is usually pretty strong on 5s, 4s, 2s (if blokes you've never actually seen sober count as 2s), Jekyll/Hydes and circling bargirls, looking to pick off the weaker (ie drunker) members of the herd. My youthful Snapper tendencies have mellowed to spending each game with gritted teeth in the confident expectation something will go badly wrong (and I'm from Qld).
Magpie Man
Guest
Clearly the answer would be Dave Taylor
Don McKinnon
Guest
On an associated note, I really miss the call from Rampaging Roy Slaven and HG Nelson, they bought a level of sanity, analysis and irreverence to the event from the card table on the far side that has never been matched. Will anyone end up in Koosbane tonight? what is the "brick with eyes" doing these days?; likewise the Kumquat, the Prune and the Quince? Questions will be answered by 10pm. I will miss the national anthem (RIP Lionel); and the bargains from from Frosty Lahood.
Chris Chard
Roar Guru
Hi Jaceman, I feel your pain, with every media outlet trying to get an Origin 'scoop' more often than not the main themes don't vary too much from year to year, but such is the nature of the beast. As an example the local paper from a town I used to live in only ever had one of two headlines the day after origin; If QLD won it would be 'BLUES MAROONED! If NSW won it would be "QLD's GOT THE BLUES!" Without fail every year these pun-tastic Headers would pop up, obviously someone came up with them a while ago and figured they more or less did the job! Cheers, Vic
AndyS
Guest
The baggage collection that insist on attending because they are all "ladettes", whose main interest in the game rapidly devolves to a stage whispered game of Whodyado and analysis as to which player has the best bum.
mds1970
Roar Guru
Are Roy & HG calling the game tonight?
Chris Chard
Roar Guru
Hi Melanie, It's quite simple really, they just stick me out in the garage with a 34cm portable... Cheers, Vic
Greg
Guest
I would have to be the Punt both ways kinda guy. Dont mind Qld winning but feel that NSW need a win for the sake of league. Happy to see a good try and would like to see a biff. But generally of there is a good movie on a Qld are winning by a good margin at half time will flick over.
Tigger Madness
Guest
I thought Queenslanders had been pretty much covered in Number 2
Brett McKay
Expert
More gold Vic, you've done it again. I'll add "the CLUBMAN". A mate of mine used to be a classic for this, he'd be proud as punch that his club supplied 7 players in the run-on side, would rock up in his club gear (because "we supplied 7 of the starting side"), and then leave by the 50 minute mark as offended as a human can get at the 50 minutes of stick he received as a result of his 7 players playing the worst game of their careers ("your clowns cost us the game!!")...
Jaceman
Guest
After 10 days of "Buildup" (some would would call over the top hype) this in todays Tele would win the award from writing something to fill a column "QUEENSLAND'S paranoia and anxiety in the lead-up to Origin I went to a new level yesterday when the Maroons went public with their fears that Blues strongman Greg Bird will attempt to "take out" veteran Darren Lockyer. The aggressive Bird has made no secret of the fact he has Lockyer in his sights - a legitimate Blues move to minimise the ageing Maroon skipper's influence on the game. But Queensland coach Mal Meninga admitted he was "worried" about Lockyer. And fellow Maroons legend Gorden Tallis claimed: "Bird runs close to that thin red line every time he plays." Blues supporters fear Meninga's comments could be designed to influence the referees and protect Lockyer from tough but legal defence. Pressed on whether NSW will "have a crack" at Lockyer, Meninga said: "There's no doubt they will." The only better column would be 2 ex players from either side ramping up the possibilty of a "stink" during the game. Oh sorry that happened last week...
me, I like football
Guest
Can't speak from an origin point of view, But I'm sure you have that guy who believes that the fate of their club is determined by where they sit, if their legs are crossed and what underwear they are wearing at the time. example. "I knew I shouldn't of stood up to get a beer, because now the opposition kicked a goal", "could i please have that seat back as we were playing better when I was sitting there" "was my left leg over my right or vice versa?'