Five sporting personalities to avoid on State of Origin night

Queensland State of Origin players give high-fives during the team training session at the Caloundra Rugby League Football Club on the Sunshine Coast, Wednesday, June 29, 2011. The team are in camp on the Sunshine coast in preparation for State of Origin Game 3 on July 6. (AAP Image/Dave Hunt)

My State of Origin parties used to revolve around myself and anyone else with a stupid nickname rolling up to some poor bloke’s house, watching the game and making as much noise as possible while laughing hysterically at Roy and HG’s commentary.

These days, as a famous sports journalist, things are more complicated.

Not only am I supposed to throw the party, but I seem to have numerous sporting personalities lobbing up at my doorway with a six pack and a noodle-coodle wanting to watch the big game.

Some are great value, but others are graduates from the Julian O’Neill School of decorum.

Here are five of the worst.

1. Kevin Sheedy

Sheeds bursts through the door, his face a red, shiny Sherrin, and dives onto the lounge I was just sitting on.

“Don’t worry Chriso, plenty of room for everyone!” he beams, putting his feet up leaving a gap Nipper Bradford couldn’t fit in.

As the game starts he begins studying the screen intently and scribbling names into a notepad every time someone takes a bomb, however soon becomes restless when no one is pinged for holding the ball.

“Hey Chriso, you know the AFL invented State of Origin?”

Well, technically it was the WAFL but ok, Sheeds.

“Hey Chriso, you know the AFL is big in China?”

Yes, Sheeds.

“Hey Chriso, you know Nick Reiwoldt could beat Paul Gallen in a fight don’t ya?”

Errr… And so it continues for the next hour and a half before Greater Western Retirement Home sends round the courtesy bus.

2. Harry Kewell

I answer the door to a moustached man who introduces himself as Kewell’s manager.

He explains Mr Kewell would like to watch said match but requires a guarantee that; all Coca Cola Amatil products and anything red be removed from the premises, Mr Kewell receive a seat directly in front of the TV and a say in the seating placement of others, that the air conditioning be set to 23.5 degrees Celsius on medium flow and that Harry receives 15 percent of the evening’s gate takings.

I agree, somewhat shocked, only for Harry to trip over the welcome mat and injure his groin on the way in.

Craig Foster writes an angry article the following day claiming he and other Socceroo captains should have been consulted regarding party arrangements.

3. Sonny Bill Williams

Sonny shuffles in the backdoor when no one is looking, hands in pockets with boxing hoodie pulled up over his head and mumbles something about finding the car parking ‘challenging’.

He watches quietly for a while before asking/stating “Wonder why I didn’t ever get selected for Origin y’know eh?”

I explain State of Origin is only for Australian players and Adrian Lam. And Akuila Uate. And, well, anyone who’s hasn’t played for the Kiwis or Poms. Except Tonie Carroll.

Sonny Bill Williams nods sagely before excusing himself to use the bathroom. Twenty minutes later I go to check on him (being sure to knock) but he’s vanished.

Later I get a text message from Anthony Mundine explaining that Sonny thought it was in his best interests to go to another party offering a higher payout for first try scorer and greater potato chip variety.

4. Eamon Sullivan

A soft knock at the door finds a shiny-faced young man holding a food warmer.

That was fast, I say, mistaking him for the pizza boy.

“Well, I was the fastest man in the world.”

So… you’re not from Dominos?

“No, it’s me Eamon Sullivan. Silver medallist? Celebrity Masterchef?”

Err…

“…I dated Stephanie Rice?”

Oh yeah! Come in, hey guys, Emo Sunderland’s here!

Eamon and his risotto is going down a treat before he’s asked what the main ingredient is. Suddenly Eamon goes all quiet.

The awkwardness is heightened when Sheeds asks why Quade Cooper isn’t playing for Queensland tonight.

It’s all a bit much for Eamon and he excuses himself, citing an early start in the morning.

5. Greg Norman

After performing the Heimlich manoeuvre five times in the first 20 minutes – no more Cheetos, Shark! – and an uncomfortable marriage proposal at half-time, the Shark is forced to flee when Australian Golf Authorities discover Norman has entered the country and his Blackberry blows up from appearance requests.

Must have seen the boat parked out the back, Greg.