Truth about Sebastian Vettel's finger salute

Sebastian Vettel grabbed pole for the Formula One Monaco Grand Prix – Photograph: LUCA BRUNO/AP

Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to point you in the direction of a certain issue which is currently plaguing Formula One – Sebastian Vettel’s finger salute.

Type in the phrase “Interpol most wanted” into Google, and on the first page, you will stumble across an article which can be found here.

I mean, not to boast, but there is a certain irony in the prominence of that piece, when one considers recent remarks by the individual in question.

In that piece, out of sheer desperation, I called on society at large to act urgently on what was becoming something of an epidemic – to amputate Vettel’s right index finger… through any means necessary.

That was six weeks ago – a lot happens in Formula One in that time.

Now we have gone beyond the point of taking drastic measures; it is too late to reverse the oppression cast over humanity.

Instead, we are left to pick up the pieces, to do what any gluttony ravaged individual would do, trace the origins of such a nightmare.

The obvious answer would be what the German has just come out on record as saying, that “it was never my ­intention to make it a trademark.”

And he’s clearly been keeping up to date with all of the online forums, because he added that, “It’s funny, I hear some people like it, some people get offended. It’s not meant to offend.”

But we all know that this is merely a veil which Vettel uses to buy himself more time.

Time for what? What say you, Radical?

You see, I have a theory, and I am absolutely convinced that I am right. So here it goes.

Essentially, the moral of Sebastian Vettel’s actions are purely evil.

What this man has done, well, he’s imposed the seven deadly sins upon society.

He’s set the wheels in motion for consequences which will involve chaos, and anarchy.

Either at his hands directly, or by driving individuals so insane that they will act out the list of sins.

You could say that he is to Kevin Spacey what society are to Brad Pitt in David Fincher’s infamous movie, ‘Seven’.

Vettel has gluttony, greed and wrath, all wrapped around the index finger of his, whilst the rest – envy, despair, sloth and acadia, are left for society to scrap over.

Subsequently, we will have no other option than to serve and obey the German in a similar vein to the relationship between Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine.

It’s as if he planned the whole thing out.

Therefore, against all of my instincts, I’m obliged to call Sebastian Vettel an artist.

An extremely proficient artist who has carved a niche in the field of domination by minority – that minority being his right index finger!

Proof of Vettel’s impact can be found on this Facebook page, which threatens to go viral should the German inflict any more misery upon the common man.

So from this, we have discovered one very, very, very valuable lesson: no one person is capable of playing god, but one’s actions are indeed enough to compel society to worship an individual as if they were.

So, as I return to the notion put forward at the beginning of this piece, Vettel has done a very good job at bragging to the nth degree, without even bragging!

How does that work!

There we go again! That’s how dangerous Sebastian Vettel is, he uses alternate means of authority to stamp himself as the leader of humanity!

After all that we’ve been subjected to, the only words I can come up with are – you can’t stop what’s coming, or in this instance, you can’t stop what you can’t see, but know is coming!