Wallabies captain James Horwill applaudes the Ireland players from the field following the Rugby World Cup Pool C match between Australia and Ireland (AAP Image/Dave Hunt)
Oh Wallabies. You had to do it, didn’t you? You just… I mean you… why couldn’t… see what you’ve done? I’m too incoherent with rage and sorrow to even type a meaningful sentence.
You know what the Wallabies are? They’re that girl. The one you thought was different to all the girls you’d known before. The one who was beautiful, and smart, and funny, and who made you feel good about yourself with her kindness and quick wit.
The one you thought you could finally settle down and trust, and be happy with, without the neuroses and fear and panic attacks that had accompanied every other girl you’d known.
The girl you thought was The One… until you walked into the laundry at Belinda’s party and found her enjoying the company of your worst enemy with her ankles around her ears.
That’s the Wallabies. They made us fall in love with them, they gave us cause to dream of a better future, then they ran out onto Eden Park and shagged Craig Steffensen in front of the whole world.
And they made us cry. Oh how we cried. Tears of bitter disappointment. Tears of naked grief. Tears of betrayal. How could we have been so foolish as to fall for the same old lines? It was Garrick Morgan all over again.
And look, I don’t want an apology from the Wallabies. No, it’s gone too far for apologies. All I want is for them to understand what they’ve done. There’s an old saying I like to bring out at times like these: “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how your actions affect me personally”; and I think that’s more apt today than ever.
I’ve been wounded, Wallabies, and I just want you to understand just how I’m suffering because of your thoughtlessness and unstable front row.
Here is the real crux of the debacle: there is a script to Wallaby World Cup campaigns, and Ireland plays a very real and vital part in that script: their role is to be the plucky underdogs who almost get there but in the end not quite because the Wallabies are just a little bit too classy.
The best example of this was Lansdowne Road in 1991, when the Australian team played a hilarious rugby variation of the dollar-bill-on-a-string trick on the men in green, letting them take the lead with a few minutes to go and sending the crowd into paroxysms of joy, only to then chucklingly snatch it away again.
That’s the way it works, in World Cups: Ireland impress with their enthusiasm, Australia gets worried, Ireland gets confident, Australia wins, Greg Growden writes an article about how lucky Australia was and that they’ll have to play better than that to beat a proper team.
That’s how it goes, and these Wallabies went and deviated from the script like some mad drunken Theatresports troupe. At 6-6 I wasn’t too worried. At 6-9 I was still fairly sanguine. Even at 6-12 I was pretty sure that it was all part of the script, that that touch of class would spring forth at the crucial moment and carry Australia to victory.
Where was it? Where was that touch of class? I didn’t see any class. I saw what I thought might have been class, when Quade Cooper slipped a tackle and released an arm to throw one of his brilliant flick passes; but that turned out not to be class – it was just one of Cooper’s regular attempts to give the members of the crowd some catching practice.
Apart from that, not a skerrick of class. Inept goal-kicking, sure. Collapsing scrums, loads. Enormous men tiptoeing around rucks and mauls as if afraid of breaking a nail, definitely. But class? Where was it?
Where was the slick, flair-ful Wallaby team we’d been promised? Where was our beloved team of winners? Sitting on the dryer with its skirt hitched up, that’s where. Reaching into our chests and ripping our hearts, that’s where. Prancing about the place checking its hair in the mirror, that’s where.
It’s too much to bear. I can’t go on throwing myself heart and soul into these relationships, only to have them blow up in my face. I can’t keep on giving and giving, when all the Wallabies do is take. I need to stop believing in silly fantasies like love and commitment and straight lineout throws, and live in the real world.
Wallabies, we need to take a break.
Just until tonight’s game, mind you.
Scott minto
Guest
More on the story of the girl in the laundry at Belinda's party :) -- Comment left via The Roar's iPhone app. Download The Roar's iPhone App in the App Store here.
RoBot
Guest
Not to mention sending that over confident Kiwi mistress, and an entire nation, into mourning a week after...
RoBot
Guest
Goodness gracious. After reading this article, I suddenly have an image of Kkurtley Beale in a min skirt being drilled by O’Driscoll in a laundry! Thanks Ben…
Matthew
Guest
The Springbok beauty has been around the block and she's recently had a makeover under her new suitor (Erasmus). She's been reinvigorated and is looking better than ever as she's shows off her new look to a very public captive audience. Her old guy (PdV) was rotten to her and made her mope around the house the last two years and not try anything new. I'm so proud of how good the old girls looking and I have a feeling she's ready to slap the young fickle Wallaby mistress to kingdom come in the quarter-finals.
Matt in Norway
Roar Rookie
I'll send you a tissue KOG.
JohnB
Guest
Well, he did marry and have children, and the advice quoted suggests he had a reasonable handle on the fairer sex!
p.Tah
Guest
I should add I haven't seen kiwis behaving badly first hand. .... But at the cricket we can be pigs.
Red Chief
Roar Pro
Why do you read and post on them all then? I might add, all of your posts ive seen have been exactly that - a whinge.
Matt in Norway
Roar Rookie
Love your work ChrisT.
Red Chief
Roar Pro
Settle down KOG, read yesterdays courier mail, it has an article from an australian journo who cant believe that the abuse that was dished out even happended, as he has been treated amazingly well, like 99% of other tourists. I suspect you may be so livid because little brother is hosting a hugely successful tornament thus far.
Brick Lane
Guest
So unless I can produce a report you don't believe me. Denial, denial, denial. Then you tell me in true Australian style to go home or to the ancestral home I've never lived. Mate, you have just proved my point emphatically.
p.Tah
Guest
Brick Lane I attend all Sydney games with group of English mates who proudly wear the white jersey regardless of who is playing. Sorry you've experienced that, fortunately I haven't seen it to date.
katzilla
Roar Guru
If I was 'The Girl' aka the Wallabies I'd actually be a little bit upset. Constantly talked up above my station and then abused when I don't live up to others expectations, no wonder she runs off to find comfort in other men. Do you not realise that the one time she managed to look a 10/10 (beat the All Blacks) was an anomaly due to copious amounts of makeup and not the new standard. The next morning after a visit to an Irish bar she still looks like a 5/10. Be fair on her, shes not as hot as you think.
katzilla
Roar Guru
"Black c u next tuesday" @Mods - Thanks that is brilliant. Should I assume that C U Next Tuesday as standard for hiding an undesirable word?
bokka
Guest
"you will notice i keep refering to aucklanders and not NZ’ers" "The most disappointing aspect of course was the New Zealanders themsleves. As has been said plenty of times, it was absolutely applaing. i have never experienced anything like it before. When NZ inevitable lose this RWC, i will not have an ounce of empathy." ???
jason8
Guest
Ahhh .... the Saffa way is to treat'em mean to keep'em keen, that Wilhelmina Webb Ellis Ellis tart practically follows us home. You gotta play it cool you see.... "is this a tournament ? oh we thought it was a beer fest" - " Sorry, no i don't remember meeting you before - what did you say your name was ?" Poor Kiwis its hard to practice your skills on those heifers they have down there.... just too damn ugly and desperate.
sixo_clock
Roar Guru
Best laugh I have had on the Roar, classic.
jokerman
Guest
Brilliant article! Creative, funny as...with a bit of truth, cause that is how it feels in a random kind of way. And at least you got to post it! I put a comment on about the sexuality of the Australian forwards, and it got removed. I was even diplomatic and said...."Not that there is anything wrong with it" Though, with the article about the Scotland prop who wouldn’t play due to religious beliefs....I said he probably thinks I'm Satan. (I mentioned that Jesus had a baby once..with his partner) All Good though! Still there, Satan is ok, just don't mention the softness of the Australian forwards!
King of the Gorgonites
Roar Guru
Katzilla, you will notice i keep refering to aucklanders and not NZ'ers. i am happy to withhold judgment on the whole country unitl i have been to nelson and wellington. i am happy to put up with a few drunk fans. but not a concerted campaign of intimiation. everyone told the same story, so there must be truth to it.
King of the Gorgonites
Roar Guru
find me a report from the 2003 RWC where fans had complained of being abused? if you hate this racist country so much, i suggest you leave it for the UK or your non-anglo ancestral home.