The Australian sporting public is, I submit, a generally forgiving bunch. We forgave Shane Warne. We forgave Wayne Carey. We even seem to have forgiven Margaret Court, inasmuch as we have not yet placed her in an institution.
But even the most happy-go-lucky, laidback of sporting publics has its breaking point. And I fear that breaking point may be approaching if drastic changes are not made to the Channel Nine commentary team.
Now, please bear in mind, I do realise that Nine’s commentators are some of the greats of the game, with magnificent playing records that command respect. So don’t think for moment that the vicious character assassination in which I am about to engage reflects on their sporting achievements in any way.
I’m not saying the Nine team is beyond hope.
The situation is not irreparable. There is nothing wrong with Channel Nine’s cricket coverage that could not be fixed by sacking the entire commentary team and replacing them with a CD of soothing ocean noises.
Because I’m not sure I can take much more.
Of the banter, of the match situation assessments which veer between the blindingly obvious and the bewilderingly inaccurate. Of the cringeworthy plugs for other shows on Nine. It’s beyond a joke.
All of the current commentators are culpable, even Richie Benaud.
He has been a great servant of the game, but it is just possible that now, at the age of three hundred and ninety, it is time for a graceful exit. He retains the ability to make keen observations on players and the progress of a match, but unfortunately, each one he makes takes around four hours to complete.
One feels that he mostly comes in to work these days in order to find a comfortable air-conditioned spot in which to complete the 20 hours of sleep he needs each day to retain his human form.
Mind you, his somnolence is still preferable to Mark Taylor’s rapid-fire babbling, which spills haphazardly out over the game like tomato sauce out of a bottle that’s been struck too hard on the bottom. I don’t even know what he’s saying when he starts talking: my brain just sends the signal that someone in the background has turned on a Fujitsu air-conditioner, and I adjust accordingly.
Meanwhile, beside “Tubby” sit his erstwhile teammates, Michael Slater and Ian Healy, the latter of whom is mostly occupied with describing events in the fantasy game being played inside his own skull rather than the one actually happening, and the former of whom’s main job is to engage in lively banter about which member of the commentary team the viewers would most like to see French-kiss a mongoose, as measured by the “Vodafone Viewers’ Verdict”, a brilliant new innovation for the telecast, inspired by Nine producers’ belief that the last thing any cricket fan wants to do with his time is watch the cricket.
And then of course there are the old reliables.
Bill Lawry still keeps plugging away, desperately trying to convince everyone that life is much, much more exciting than it really is. Lawry’s commentary style is best described as “I wish I’d worn my Depends”.
Meanwhile, his old “sparring partner” Tony Greig engages in those jolly robust “back-and-forths” we know and love so well, right?
Well, no.
These days mostly Tony Greig just advertises cheap, tacky memorabilia and achieves explosive orgasms over how detailed Hotspot technology is. Seriously, there are surely obscenity laws prohibiting the amount of satisfaction Tony Greig seems to get from Hotspot. It’s positively pornographic.
And then there’s Ian Chappell, who pops into the commentary box every now and then to continue a thought he started to have in 1987 but hasn’t quite fully teased out yet about David Boon’s wrists.
Ah, but what of Mark Nicholas, you say? Well, when he first arrived, I liked Mark. He was British, which meant he was classy-sounding, and he seemed to have something of a handle on the game. But it turns out he’s just like all the rest – he will happily fake enthusiasm at ten consecutive overs of batsmen tapping singles to deep fielders in the middle overs of a one-day game. He’ll join in the wacky conversations about how the Vodafone Viewers’ Verdict says Richie should commentate on horseback.
He’ll tell us all how much he loves Kate Ceberano in Excess Baggage. And even worse, at every opportunity he’ll grovel to the cricketing greats in the box, meekly asking them “what’s it like, playing test cricket?” Which frankly makes me lose all respect for him, and irritates me because the fact he’s asking the questions suggests he thinks any of us care what these senile fools think about anything.
And yet despite all this, cricket commentary on Nine does not actually hit rock-bottom, until James Brayshaw steps up to the microphone.
And with a mix of pig-ignorance, faux-blokey anti-comedy, dementedly facile analysis, and an all-round on-air personality that will soon be banned by the UN as a chemical weapon, “JB” plumbs depths of commentary undreamed of since Geoff Boycott ate some funny mushrooms and asked Jonathan Agnew to marry him.
Listening to James Brayshaw commentate on cricket is the sports-viewing equivalent of having your kidneys forcibly removed by chimpanzees.
So what are we to do, to improve this situation.
Well, here is my theory: Nine’s woes stem from the fact that it has always been obsessed with employing ex-cricketers. Feeling the achievements of its team lent gravitas to the coverage, they recruited yesteryear’s greats to provide comment and analysis.
Admittedly, Nicholas and Brayshaw break this rule somewhat, but they are at least both former first class cricketers, and in Brayshaw’s case, in possession of some compromising photos of Nine directors.
The point is, it’s time for something new. We’ve tried experience, we’ve tried deep knowledge, and it’s been an unmitigated failure. It’s time for a fresh approach: let’s try ignorance.
Let’s put some complete noobs up in the commentary box and see how they go. And I don’t just mean people with no broadcasting experience, or people who haven’t played at the highest level.
I mean people who have never even watched a game of cricket. Possibly people who don’t even WANT to watch a game of cricket. That way we’ll get a refreshing new perspective on the game: through their virgin eyes, we too shall see the game anew, reinvigorating our enthusiasm for it. Just imagine how fun it will be watching cricket to the sounds of:
“Ah…the…tall one…the bowlman I think he’s called…he’s thrown the ball at the batman, and…the batman…has hit it maybe? It’s gone…somewhere, I dunno. One of these guys is running, not sure why. Oh actually a few of them are running. The ones with the sticks are running too, the batman and his friend. What do you think Sam?”
“OH MY GOD THIS IS BORING”
I think with this sort of commentary we can make cricket come alive again, and win back all those fans who deserted Nine’s commentary in favour of watching drug addicts ride up hills in France. A clean slate, a new era, a vibrant new start for the art of cricket commentary.
And anyone mentioning Two and a Half Men will be shot.
Jeffrey
Guest
I mute the TV because the commentators just will not shut up.They talk just for the sake of it.I was hoping that Mark Taylor would retire.
dong
Guest
..just when you think that it would be impossible to find a cricket commentator more imbecilic than greg chapple or mark taylor..., along comes this current terminaly moronicl new Zealander- don't know his name..., but my cricket channel is forever on mute.
john byrne
Guest
Get rid of craig hutchison from footy classified. Since garry lyon left the the show it has gone downhill fast. he offers nothing constructive and only wants to down talk the others, particularly Caroline Wilson. Caroline, mathew and Damian offer plenty. I will not watch again until hutchison is no longer there. JB
Jack Bennett
Guest
It must be annoying for the current crop of so called cricket commentators on 9 to have to have their pub type conversation and story brand of commentary interrupted by actual cricket. And what makes them think we would rather listen to a cliche filled boundary interview with an outgoing batsman than focus on the events happening on the ground in a tight finish ? Fair dinkum, they seem to have joined the exponentially increasing number of reporters and commentators who seem to think that their over the top head thrusting and dramatic gesticulating is what we want to see ! Can someone please tell them that it isn't !!
Wazza
Guest
How do we get rid of Mark Taylor off the air waves. So to say but so worse than Tony Gregg. Ray Warren is a bloody saint in comparison, Save me and Australia please W
Graham Dearle
Guest
Guys, Maxwell or Marsh would, certainly be better to retain than Bailey (he's just done nothing) when Clarke & Watson come back. I can't understand why he gets the nod in the side at all let alone as captain? Let's move forward. Rgds, Graham
Brian bonser
Guest
how long to we have to put up with these shocking commentators enough is enough they are so one sided against the Aussies I think that negative is a better word and why does an Englishman have the job of hosting the cricket there are plenty of Aussies that could do it I hasten to add not one of the currant commentators o well it is time to put the radio on to abc
Jude
Guest
Of the Nine commentary team Mark Taylor has to be the most appalling. Tonight he actually spent time explaining the numerical difference between runs required and balls remaining. I believe the real problem with the team is that they have forgotten that this is, after all, television, we have a picture, we are viewers, not listeners. In fact radio commentators use less words and we still get the picture. Of course the other problem with the team is that they like the sound of their own voices. As negative comments are not acknowledged or acted upon by those in power at Nine the mute button is the only answer.
Nick Thomson
Guest
After listening to the commentary so far in today's game and the hideous efforts to visually capture the action i felt the need to join a hate club against anything "channel nine". When we took wicket two or three, I can't remember due to frustration, I had to watch it through the apparently incredible spider cam. Hey channel nine, I don't give a shit, I've watched 30 million balls being bowled and I want the view from directly behind the bowler. The only reason I watch is because I'm not given a choice. While I'm ranting KFC can barely be considered as food. If cigarettes are dangerous and we know they are obesity isn't something your viewers want either. Don't give me that anything in moderation crap, the person that coined that phrase was clearly selling something.
raturagu
Guest
Why these commentators identify themselves with NSW as WE , Us and other annoying comments. Can't these old garbage who have next foot in graveyard grow up? My comment is directed to that old rag who was crying on TV about his family feud few years ago.
Muhammad Arif
Guest
It is requested that dear sir you have given the add the you have need to change the channel 9 commentator then I am present if u don't mind it. Muhammad Arif. S/O Muhammad Nasir Sadiq. Qualification. FA Nice good sence of humour good knowledge and doesn't sound boaring because i am the copy of Pommie M<bnangwa which is the cricket commentator form Zimbabew. Pakistan Punjab Chiniot Agriuculture Department Jobs
norm
Guest
Can someone give an answer to the following questions. How did Maxwell make the T 20 Australian team. ----------------------- get to be 1st wicket down. ----------------------- convince the selectors. With a batting average of 15. Maxwell's bowling is like his batting very poor. Maxwell is not a team player. Look at his recent failure in the present T 20. There are far better players with good averages not considered to play for Australia. Why does the Channel 9 team lord Maxwell? Do they look at averages?
Pete
Guest
Just can't believe how bias they are,surely as commentators they're supposed to give an impartial view of the two sides. They are blatantly bias in favour of the Aussies and it's a complete turn off!!
John Blinkhorn
Guest
Watched the commentators this morning at the WACA, all standing in the middle of the ground probably getting up around the 40 deg mark and how were they dressed?? all had suits and ties, get real, who wears ties these days..
Swanny
Guest
I just want to say I agree the commentary in unbearable. Especially Bradshaw and Nicholas We can see what's going on. So the less they say the better.
Wilko
Guest
Wow, and I thought I was just me... The worst is getting the 2 Ian's in the box at the same time.. Shoot me now !!! Shane warne is fricken hopeless and just seems to want to want to talk up himself and his m8's from back in the day all the time. Yes Shane you were a brilliant bowler but it's over now, move on son... God and during the English ashes tour trying to listen to warne and mumbles and holding wasn't much fun either. Growing up listening to Ritchie and the boys was great and I'll never forget how angry he was with the underarm delivery against NZ.. Great man !! Geez I've been missing bill and the giant mouthed TG.. Tubby tubby tubby, I (like 9's management probably also did) assumed that if you captained the Australian cricket team you probably know a thing or two about cricket and can talk intelligently and entertainingly about it,.apparantly not though. You're commentary is about on par with your tv ads. Not good m8.. Ian Chappell, if iI hear you say something positive about a current player that isnt Micheal Clarke I reckon I'd fall over... Oh look it's now 5/3xx something on the 2nd day and I haven't sworn at the telly since I muted it to write this.. Nice....
New user
Guest
Also calling a competition "the big bash" says everything about the state of cricket. the management, the telecast everything is awful and I used to like cricket. It used to be an intellectual game that you could relax and watch. Now it makes me anxious and cringe.
New user
Guest
Also believe their voices are annoying and unrefined to listen to. I prefer the commentators with pleasant voices, who are easy to listen to and pronounce their words well, also the pace of delivery makes it easy to understand. Experience is a plus. Constant talking is annoying.
New user
Guest
I believe the whole commentary team should be taken off air except Mark Nicholas and maybe Glen McGrath with some media training he could be okay. KFC should be dropped as the sponsor. The production team should be disbanded. the uniforms the cricketers are now wearing are terrible with no collar. Everything about the cricket has become unbearable. considering when hosting people from other nations, I often wonder what they must think of Australia. Please take these people of television.I
JASON
Guest
watching the cricket with sound down. pommy commenter puts me to sleep and slater has put me off big sports breakfast morning show. both so boring