Abramovich must take control after Chelsea disaster

If you listen closely enough, you can almost hear the managerial guillotine being sharpened by one of Roman Abramovich’s heavies round Stamford Bridge way.

With Carlo Ancelotti’s claret barely dry, even the pseudo-mobster doing the sharpening probably thought it would have been longer than this before he was preparing the blade for what has become a yearly ritual.

The ever-filling basket of heads contains some of the biggest names in management – World Cup winners, self-ordained Special Ones, and others that have won virtually every club trophy up for grabs on the continent. The soon-to-be-latest victim, Andres Villas Boas, was by far the biggest experiment of the bunch, brought in with the fanfare and expense of a star player but waving a CV that had fewer lines than a limerick.

But due to fractures among the squad, public spats with some of the club’s ageing stars, and a very poor run of results toppped off by today’s loss to lowly West Bromwich Albion, the destiny of the young Portuguese manager looks more and more assured to metaphorically involve a rolling cranium.

For Villas Boas, the writing has been on the wall since Mr Abramovich began showing up to the Chelsea training grounds with the regularity of a vegetarian. One could only suspect it led the young manager to suffer a few unwanted bowel movements himself. Following the Champions League game against Napoli, the Chelsea owner demanded to know why the experienced trio of Lampard, Cole, and Essien did not start during the 3-1 defeat.

Since then it’s all gone a bit Young and the Restless at Chelsea – with Lampard (the restless) describing his relationship with the manager as “not ideal”, the manager joking that he and Lampard were not married to each other, and David Luiz (the young) implying in an interview given in Portuguese that Lampard should remember he is only an “employee”. This unfolding soap opera has been embarrassing to the club and is makes it look like dressing room divisions are beyond repair.

Many believe that the only reason Villas Boas has received a stay of execution thus far has been the costs that would be incurred by Abramovich to remove him. With an initial outlay of around £28 million spent bringing Villa Boas in from Porto, his hiring has turned out to be the most expensive failure since John Travolta tried to take Scientology to the big screen.

Despite implementing a bottomless pockets policy since taking charge at Chelsea, and being a regular on the Forbes rich list, even a man like Abramovich begins to feel the sting of £64 million spent over the last four years on managerial changes alone.

It is with this in mind that I must suggest that Roman Abramovich should for once keep his supersized wallet (or more accurately, diamond-encrusted money clip) in his pocket, and after removing Villas Boas, take the Chelsea management role himself.

Now, hear me out – while I’d agree that this seems like an suggestion that borders on the ridiculous, don’t you think the Chelsea players might just find something extra during the second half with a well connected Russian giving the half time talks? After all, he came out of the other side of the Russian Aluminium Wars with a fortune and a face full of hardened stubble, and that feuding over the control of smelters was said to have cost around 100 lives.

Who would ever doubt he could excel in the area of Premier League diva motivation? Never underestimate fear as the greatest motivator of all.

The back four may just tighten up significantly if they knew that shipping a couple more goals could see Polonium 210 wind up in the drink bottles. Torres might find his goal scoring mojo if he thought his wife and child might be kidnapped by burly henchmen. Even Raul Meireles, a man with a hardened image and the ink of a death row inmate, would probably find an extra yard of pace.

This whole scenario this seems as likely as Tony Soprano taking charge at the New York Red Bulls, which itself is an imaginative scenario worth contemplating. I could just see Thierry Henry telling locker room stories about his undefeated season at Arsenal, only to be cut short by Mr Soprano with a menacing reminder that he’s only ever as good as his last envelope.

But for the Russian billionaire Abramovich, his last nine years have been spent closely monitoring the football club, attended training sessions, watching countless matches and at times making his presence known in the locker room. Half the reason he has been forced to install a revolving door at Chelsea, for managers only, are his strong opinions regarding squad recruitment and starting lists.

Isn’t it time for the Gremlin with access to the Kremlin to take full control of his beloved Chelsea, particularly as his his unyielding views have been the main problem for the various managers he has put in place?

Granted, I can’t imagine that it would attract a huge number of Europe’s top players, but there is little doubt the current squad would start to play as though their lives depended on it.

(Editor’s note: Andres Villas Boas has since been sacked by Chelsea. However, this piece remains highly relevant and worthy of being published)