Peter de man for fruity Australian rugby

I read today that former South African rugby coach Peter de Villiers is feeling “a bit useless at the moment”, due to the world of union’s lack of interest in his services.

In recent times, the decorated gag-cracking rugby tutor has been a dejected individual, who spends his days flicking through the classifieds looking for a gig.

Ever since he left his post as Springboks head coach, he’s been aimlessly moping around his house, wasting his bottomless catalogue of entertaining and controversial one-liners on nobody but himself.

On behalf of the game of rugby union as a whole, I say shame on you for standing by and allowing this to materialise.

de Villiers is the man who memorably slashes through the swathe of coaching rugby speak with customary fare.

I recall some of his best lines, like:

“I am going to pull a rat out of a hat.”

“We are very organised at the moment. We do not want to become a fruit salad.”

“There is little difference between winning and losing, except you feel better after winning.”

He’s the kind of dialogue artist that splashes fluorescent paint across the often plain and nondescript press conference.

Someone throw this man a rescue rope and drag him back into union. I know a perfect gloomy and weary audience for him to illuminate with his famed and celebrated rhetoric.

There’s nowhere in more need than our own backyard where local rugby performances have been weekend sleeping tablets of late.

And there’s two particular organisations I’ve identified as perfect fits for de Villiers’ wisdom.

To the backroom boffins at the Melbourne Rebels and the Western Force, this is your cue to get on the phone to the Republic and flash some stacks of rand.

These two Australian outfits typify the doldrums state of provincial rugby in our proud nation at the moment.

The application and endeavour from both is evident. But let’s be frank; they’re not particularly exciting and they’re losing games.

What better stage for de Villiers to reunite with the game that misses his ability, and the microphone that misses the consistent injection of his unrestrained verbal gems, than at either Perth or Melbourne?

We all know Richard Graham is heading east, so the hot seat is vacant at the Force.

And even the most dyed-in-the-wool Damien Hill fan at the Rebels would have to recognise that de Villiers would bring a more appealing and spicy angle to the organisation, which needs to be regularly firing flares in the engulfing ocean of AFL.

Both of these clubs and their fans need some international flavour, some success and some chuckles to go with the victory champers afterwards.

Perth and Melbourne, take my free advice. Give Peter a call and prevent the risk of becoming a fruit salad.