The Names of the Games: Part II

This list has been complied without the assistance of logic or rationale. It contains random athletes plucked from the sporting landscape whose names somehow impact on how they play their respective sports, or at the very least, conjure phonetic explosions from commentators every time they get near the ball.

But for reasons that will never be completely clear, even to me, these are indisputably the best named men in sports.

For Names 10-6, check out Part I.

5. Zinzan Brooke
Okay, so his name is really Murray, but he changed it, legally, and became one of the most formidable number 8′s to ever pull on a rugby jersey. Unlike his Flight of the Concorde namesake, Murray was one mean bugger who could hit the line at speed and tackle like he had Energizer batteries inserted into his tail pipe.

4. Ole Gunnar Solskjær
Now, close your eyes and imagine – a skinny, almost-dorky looking Peter Pan type walks into a bar. He approaches a group of fine looking ladies who at first appear disinterested. He extends a hand and says “Solskjær, Ole Gunnar Solskjær.”

Their interest immediately perks up and their panties literally melt off as the pick of the bunch follows him to the nearest bathroom cubicle. The baby faced Norweigan also had a knack for scoring on the pitch as he netted 91 times for United, the most memorable being the winner in THAT Champions League final.

3. Metta World Peace
The Artist Formally Known As Artest was thrust under the international spotlight of infamy for being the catalyst for the craziest NBA brawl ever witnessed. The ‘Malice at the Palace’ was sparked after a fan threw a diet coke on Artest following a small altercation with the Piston’s Ben Wallace. Clearly displaying his street side and dislike of diet beverages, Artest jumped into the crowd and started hitting a fan he thought was responsible for throwing the drink.

The violence erupted both on the court and in the stands and the players involved lost over $11 million due to suspensions. After a name change and an apparent leaf turn, it appeared MWP was the new champion of good karma. But his recent flagrant elbow on James Harden showed that World Peace is nothing more than an unattainable utopic fantasy.

2. Fuifui Moimoi
A commentators wet dream, Foifoi caught our attention with hard hits, straight running and questionable hairstyles. Tongan born, Kiwi raised but a bonafide league star in the land of Oz, the huge unit showed he can’t even be shaken down off the field with the woman who accused him of sexual misconduct being charged herself for attempted blackmail.

1. Björn Borg
Back in the day he was known for his fruity headbands and the fact that if he shaved he would have made a very attractive woman. But all that aside, Björn Borg’s name translates directly from Swedish to English as ‘Bear Fortress’. How Chuck Norris is that?

I mean, if you knew you were up against some bloke called Bear Fortress, you’d have a tough time keeping your duds unsoiled let alone getting the mental edge. Life after tennis has also been interesting with Borg establishing a range of boxer shorts which, considering they are plastered with his name all over, are a very apt title for men’s underwear.