It’s official: the Melbourne Storm are currently as flat as discarded party cola. Craig Bellamy is fast becoming in need of a proverbial Mentos in the soft drink real soon, otherwise his aspirations for a coveted top two spot could be under threat from a chasing horde of clubs.
With his troops battle-taxed and energy-parched after a torrid Origin campaign crammed with lactic acid, the word from AAMI Park is that the Storm boss has decided to have a geeze outside of his current player group for an injection of much-craved fizz.
The only problem is that due to the recent passing of the 30th June player swap, he can’t look among the usual recyclables of the NRL opposition fringes for inspiration, meaning unloved and neglected resources from league’s backwoods are out of the equation.
Time is also a factor, with seven rounds in the year remaining, so he’s mindful that his gun-for-hire will need to have the ability to slot effortlessly into his system as if he has been microchipped with the Melbourne playbook.
Bellamy knows it’s going to take some funky recruitment subterfuge to re-carbonate his 2012 crusade, like a stern pump from a Soda-Stream.
And the word from a few gossip ferrets down south is that the biggest story in Australian footy is on the verge of breaking due to his predicament.
This is how it played out:
It was a lonely Friday night. Bellamy was pacing around his modest digs, trying to conjure an antidote.
As he tried to remedy his edginess with a few gentle ales and an aimless wander around the television stations, he stopped on the AFL match between Carlton and North Melbourne.
In a rare moment of mental relaxation, the flow of the game and its dominant players caught his attention. As he studied the action, the unthinkable idea of a cross-code assault to revamp his stocks leapt to mind.
“Too many Melbourne Bitters,” Bellamy whispered to himself as a few pie-in-the-sky options busting their guts on the MCG turf swirled around his purple brain as potential solutions to his team’s downtrend.
Then, at the 10 minute mark of the second quarter, the answer emerged from a pack of tight shorts and coldly stared him in the face like a psychotic ex-spouse.
It was gripped to the end of a gnarled Kangaroo limb. It was Chris Judd.
When Bellamy witnessed the beef jerky-tough Carlton megastar yank and then separate the arm from the shoulder cuff of North Melbourne’s Leigh Adams, his former vague respect and passing interest in the man immediately transformed to thoughts of him tyrannising a play-the-ball in purple.
The adept display of a rugby league ruck-retardation that he witnessed from Judd was surgically-precise and seemingly educated. It compelled Bellamy to frantically search Google for the dossier of the former Brownlow Medallist for further intel.
What he found made his already animated eyes light up like a Griswold Christmas.
It was nearly identical to Tuesday’s training schedule.
2005: elbow manoeuvre to the head. 2007: unnecessary contact with the face. 2009: pressure point submission hold!
“It’s a bloody Greco-Roman job application!” he ferociously yelled with a level of furious excitement that propelled the froth of his refreshment from his lips.
And from there, the negotiating phone calls to the Judd stakeholders began.
The Mentos to refresh his season has been located and Bellamy will be driving a hard bargain to get the Storm defensive savant he requires to circuit-break the 2012 NRL Premiership.
Get ready for the biggest talent grab in the code war so far.*
*Pending salary cap approval.
Luke M
Guest
Wrestling and Melbourne's rise to the top just happened to come along at the same time. Gee what a coincidence. The fact the NRL let it slide means all teams bar the Dogs are Diet Storm.
Stu
Guest
http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/the-most-horrific-soccer-injury-oupa-ngulube-breaks-leg-in-half.jpg Judd's shoulder popping is nothing. This picture of the injury to Aaron Ramsay makes me squirm just looking at it. Grappling and chicken wing have nothing on this - malicious and deliberate attacks like this deserve life bans. I try not generalise about soccer players all being whingers when they go down after I saw this.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
That's our second suggestion for a crowbar.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
outstanding!
Dingo
Guest
Cameron Smith a grub/thug... you blokes wouldn't know one if they king hit ya while in a Kings Cross establishment..... Such fantastic names as Kelly, Boyd, Richard Loe, Danny Williams, Hopoate...... Now these blokes are true thugs..... Cameron Smith is Choir boy compared to these blokes..... As for "Nancy" Judd...I like the "Tonya Harding" approach!!!!! Ohhh the good old days... Now where's the smelling salts???
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Your innovation is way too advanced to be a regular joe making comments on a sports opinion website. Is this Mr Bellamy logged-in under an alias?
Stu
Guest
I went online to see if I could find something about Tony Liberatore's defence (for which he was renown) and found this on Wikipedia: Liberatore was noted for his high tackle count. Throughout his senior career, he made 1,225 tackles in his career; an average of 4.39 per game. In 1992 he became the first VFL/AFL player to exceed 100 tackles in a season, and then exceeded 100 tackles each season until 1996. His season tally of 142 tackles in 1994 stood as the VFL/AFL record until 2006, when James McDonald bettered it by one. At times during his career, Liberatore was criticised for his tackling style. Incidents involving players Paul Kelly, Steven Lawrence and Matthew Knights were widely discussed, reported and were the focus of particular criticism in the media. He was a bit of a machine. I know league heads are thinking 4.39 per game!!...but you do have to catch them first in AFL before you can tackle them Bellamy recently spent some time over in the US with NFL clubs...why not a linebacker or something like that, get him fit and you've got a 120kg behemoth who can run faster than most the backs in the NRL and run over them if he has to. Besides, there are other moves other than wrestling... I'm still trying to work out how to get the "chairlift" move from the Netball into the league's wrestling handbook. Maybe they could boost each other on shots at penalty goals to knock out the ball before it goes across the cross bar.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
And while we are contemplating great potential code switches, I would like to toss up Tony Liberatore as a bloke who I would've loved to see in a scrappy ruck in a league match. Knees, flopping, face massages.... A 1980's Victorian Michael Ennis!
Australian Rules
Guest
Indoor caged as opposed to free-range?
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Oh Meesta. Please. The Sydney media is fickle, but they're not that bad. Then again, I guess double-contracting was accepted by the northern scribes as kosher when Peter O'Sullivan moved from the Storm to the Roosters as a recruitment officer. Haha...
Meesta Cool
Guest
yup, Blair went to Tigers and the tactic is now OK with the Sydney press!. -- but maybe this 'Guru' writer doesn't know that!.
Meesta Cool
Guest
Wrong!.. yup you are a 'tosser Dane!!!.
Mushi
Guest
Slip one 50 quid
Stu
Guest
In all seriousness Barry Hall would make a fabulous NRL fullback. He runs, he's probably fitter than most in the NRL, he's huge and he can catch. Fev would also be a talent. Bellamy, go get one of those, turn them into NRL superstars (they are already AFL superstars obviously) and then we can listen to more drivel driven comments. I do like a good antagonistic article and the comments that flow after :)
Droppa
Guest
Finally Bellamy finds out what its like to live under the salary cap & he doesn't like it.
Droppa
Guest
http://www.grammarcheck.net/ Something you need sweet prince.
PuntPal
Guest
In fairness to the Storm, their wrestling has eased up in recent times...hence their recent spate of losses. But I have no doubt that when they are playing the likes of the Broncos and Bulldogs in this year's final series, the likes of Sika Manu, Todd Lowrie and Cam Smith will resort back to know what they know best - being grubs that blatantly break the rules of the game. I agree with the above comments that suggest harsher penalties should have been handed to Judd and any other athlete that takes the coward choice of injuring their opponents through the use of limb-twisting. It should be treated the same as eye-gouging and biting
Dane Eldridge
Expert
You forgot to mention his rich sweat patches.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
We can really hit Demetriou where it hurts. By stealing back Izzy!
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Of course everyone does it! However, Bellamy is the only coach in the league with the tactical nous to identify a special bone-popping talent when he sees it.