Your Super Bowl 2013 cheat sheet

As sports fans we all have the inbuilt desire to be fountains of knowledge across all sports.

Doesn’t matter if it’s volleyball, shuffleboard or goat tossing, if a conversation about it springs up we like to be able to legitimately chuck our two cents in.

Thus, with the biggest sporting event in the galaxy hurtling towards us next Monday in the NFL Super Bowl, every man and his dog will want to get among the action.

The thing is though, for those with only a passing interest in American football, the game can appear like Chinese algebra, as the sport has perfected the art of making a simple concept mind-bogglingly complicated.

Basically,this means if you don’t want to look the goose for the big game you’ve got a week to cram harder than the back-up quarterback suddenly chucked in the deep–end.

For those in such a position I’ve crafted a Super Bowl XLVII cheat sheet. Basically a list of frequently asked questions…as raised by my NFL sceptic father-in-law.

Father in law: What’s so super about the Super Bowl anyway?

Chris Chard: Well it’s watched by a truckload of people, has featured some of the world’s most famous entertainers and has two weeks’ worth of hype up for a game between the AFC and NFC conference champions.

FIL: I heard someone calling it the Harbowl, is that a match sponsor?

CC: No, the two competing coaches are brothers, John and Jim Harbaugh. Jim is the slightly more insane one.

FIL: Why don’t they just pass every time?

CC: Passing plays, while spectacular and potentially gaining more yardage, are more risky.

FIL: First and ten…is that a position?

CC: No. A team gets four downs (tackles) to go ten yards. If they do they get a new set of downs. Hence it mesa ‘first go to get ten yards’. Just watch the yellow line.

FIL: Yards? Why do Americans still use the Empirical system?

CC: I have no idea Sir

FIL: Who are all those blokes on the sideline?

CC: Players, coaches, media, officials

FIL: So how many players on a team?

CC: Forty-five with eleven on the field at one time

FIL: Forty five! Is it true they have a bloke just to come on and kick?

CC: Sort of. Yes they do have a designated punter and kicker, however they may also have other duties e.g. getting the quarterback a Gatorade etc.

FIL: How come they never touch down a touchdown?

CC: Someone in 1889 thought this would be a good idea. Face it, it’s only slightly more ridiculous than scoring a ‘try’.

FIL: Which team should I go for?

CC: What do you like better, the Wire or Dirty Harry?

Seriously though if you must know some background about the two sides, both teams were expected to be thereabouts, however the Ravens are on a run of improbable post season victories, while the 49ers have reached the big game after a gutsy personnel change at quarterback mid-season.

San Francisco is a fairly storied franchise while the Ravens are a relatively new entity in a city with a long football history.

FIL: How can I bag someone who is going for the other team?

CC: Excellent question. To stir up a Ravens fan just ask aloud whether Joe Flacco is actually an elite quarterback. To put the mock on a 49ers fan just ask them how David Akers leg is holding up.

FIL: I’m embarrassed I don’t know any player names. Who are the most important?

CC: If you want to bluff your way through, knowing the quarterbacks name should suffice, but maybe learn the number one running back and at least one wide receiver from each team to be on the safe side.

FIL: Gadget play, squib kick, stiff-arm, flea flicker, laterals, onside kick ….what are these crazy yanks talking about?

CC: There’s some pretty funky terminology, but at least now you know how Americans feel watching cricket. Most are fairly intuitive.

FIL: Hey wasn’t the Super Bowl actually on today?

CC: No, that was the Pro Bowl. The Pro Bowl is to the Super Bowl what eating at ‘Wahoo Fish Taco’ is to deep sea fishing. Just ignore it like everyone else.

FIL: What’s with the Roman numerals?

CC: It’s to address the fact that the Super Bowl is played in a different year to the bulk of the regular NFL season.

FIL Where are all those hilarious ads I keep hearing about?

CC: (sigh) They are not shown in the Australian telecast, lest you have a whopping big satellite dish or are streaming the game. I’ll email you the Youtube links tomorrow.

FIL: That trophy, is that the 1997 Super League Telstra Cup?

CC: Get out of my house.

FIL: Can I borrow your ‘Friday Night Lights’ DVDs?

A:Ummm…

Follow Chris on Twitter @Vic_Arious