It has been revealed that Roosters star recruit Sonny-Bill Williams’s pectoral muscle will be rested for the NRL’s much-anticipated Thursday night blockbuster against the Rabbitohs.
Speaking from its home inside Williams’s shirt, the fast-twitch soft-tissue told us it was “99% right”.
This was literally true, being located on the right side of Williams’s chest.
“I’m still feeling a little bit sore after getting torn in an intense match of Japanese Rugby last year and then getting surgery to fix me.” it told us.
Williams and all his muscles recently won a controversial boxing match against South Africa’s Francois Botha. His pectoral was involved in many punches on the night but admitted to pulling up a bit stiff in the days following the bout
“Bashing that old fella was ok but surviving 35 minutes of NRL action is another story. That Sam Burgess is one scary hombre.” it said.
The fibrous, skeletal muscle said it was happy to sit the match out and come back stronger and sexier than ever in the following weeks.
It has been estimated that Williams, his muscles, skeleton, organs and hair will increase the average crowd at Roosters matches by 6000 people, netting clubs millions of dollars over the course of the season.
Roosters club officials have been forced to revise this figure down by 463 people for the season opener, citing the absence of the star player’s pectoral.
The muscle’s agent, Khoder Nasser, could not be contacted for comment because it forgot his number. “I have pretty poor muscle memory”, it quipped.
It can be revealed that Williams’s left shoulder was also close to pulling out of the match but passed a fitness test on Monday.
“I was relieved that the shoulder will be there beside me” Williams said, “even though with the change to the shoulder charge rule I probably don’t need it anymore.”
Williams, his shoulder and his pectoral have all featured heavily in Channel 9’s NRL marketing campaign
A station spokesman told us that while it was disappointing the pectoral would not be playing in the season opener, it was ok because players wear jerseys anyway.
“OMG! NRL fans in Sydney will have to wait a week to see both of SBW’s pecs in action. OMG!”, he said.
As an aside he added “Brisbane NRL fans will have to wait a week anyway until we finish our run of Big Bang Theory repeats, the Blocks’s still running and we have a new test pattern we’d like to try out as well.
“Then and only then will we bother showing the NRL to Brisbane viewers.” he added.
Damien
Roar Guru
Oikee, Who's asking you to 'bow & scrap' and change your morals as well ? The word is SBW is staying for another season at the Roosters. Funny thing is Nasser was and still is against the return to the NRL. He's actually said he hoped that the NRL would fall through because he preferred SBW to stay in Union. Plenty can happen of course, like he could get a career ending injury. Or he could just walk which he would be entitled to do. Earlier on you were shouting from the rooftops on how the NRL can use and abuse SBW like a piece of meat and all that carry on. I'm sure the NRL will squeeze every possible dollar out of SBW which they are perfectly entitled to do. The NRL will make plenty from SBW don't you worry, and SBW knows it as well. The Warriors moved their first home game to Eden Park and requested the Roosters..wonder why ?. A sell out crowd expected to see his return ? Sounds like there are more Kiwi's than you think interested in seeing SBW. When a reporter asked SBW what he thought of the move to Eden Park basically so the Warriors can maximise his return to the NRL in NZ he just answered that it just shows you how much of a business the game is. Quite simple really. In case you're wondering how much the NRL are expecting to make off the SBW return check this out : http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/sport/nrl/sonny-bill-williams-net-nrl-clubs-millions-of-dollars-this-season/story-e6frexnr-1226589485490 Ironic isn't it..
oikee
Guest
This is a guy who walked out on our code. Why should i bow and scrap. He will probably walk out again in 8 months and i wont be the one disappointed. I wont be changing my morals or values for any code hoppers. I expect our code not to scrap or bend over either. They should now have more sense and money. I also see our Sky TV deal is not signed, cant be too many kiwis interested in seeing sonny.
Davies
Guest
SBW is playing, so you haters can stop your moaning.
oikee
Guest
Someone should do a count of how many times any star players let the code down this year. Count them up. So far we have 3. Folau going to onion. Barba out for probably season. Sonny Bill out of the season opening blockbuster. To think that numbnut weedler wanted him face of the game. ? Pay him 3 times the amount to do nothing. ? Yeah right. Every NRL player would leave the game if that happened. So would me.
oikee
Guest
Beckham's underpants are getting more attention. And i can't keep the Hawks players out of my lounge-room. Roll-on broadband. I want one channel, no ads. I will buy the NRL direct.
Harry M
Guest
So this was only announced after tickets had been sold!!! Funny SBWs contract means he cant promote RU but here is Brumbies (admittedly) part-time RU assistant coach spruiking RL...
The High Shot
Roar Pro
I'm hearing the NRL is reluctant to register its contract. Watch this space: [ ]
Kris Swales
Expert
Bravo - could've been peeled straight form The Onion itself. Any truth to the rumour it'll be rotated back in for the left pec in Round 2?
Patrick Effeney
Editor
Well played High Shot, very well played. "The fibrous, skeletal muscle said it was happy to sit the match out and come back stronger and sexier than ever in the following weeks." - line of the piece for me. Three thumbs up for you, especially for working the word "hombre" into there. It makes everything funnier.
Johnno
Guest
The circus begins, SBW much ado about nothing, I knew the chooks would get a lot of nonsense . SBW is a cameo player now, his body is fragile. He is like Andre the Giant in the 80's. He would only make cameo appearances, and that would be for wrestlemania, and that would be it. SBW to me no longer has the body to survive 20 matches of NRL a year, or say 30 matches of rugby league. You watch he will play in the World cup, be rested in the group matches, but will pop up at semi final, and grand final time. Japan suits SBW style of play, short sweet cameo's.