I am writing in reply to a vicious assertion that has reared its head again of late. ‘Do we need scrums in rugby?’ or as it was put about a week ago, ‘Do the spectators even care about the scrum?’
I am attempting here to be a voice of reason. I wish to be a voice for all of you who believe, as I do, that general play only exists to fill in time between scrums.
This article is to suggest that if we were to discard everything from rugby, except scrums, we would be left with a much greater product, for participant and viewer.
To begin my argument, I would like you all to raise your hand if you like watching fat people partake in moderately athletic endeavours.
That’s right, all of you.
There is nothing more awe inspiring, nothing more poetic, and really nothing more amusing, than watching a fat man with momentum.
Now, imagine all that joy you just felt, when you thought of an obese gentleman attempting to be coordinated, and multiply that feeling by 16 – this is the exact feeling you would get if we discard all the rubbish from rugby, and were left with the fine product of competition scrummaging – 16 plump individuals, attempting to be athletic in unison, and doing so on the world stage. This is the dream.
If this vision doesn’t excite you, you are either a liar, or rugby probably isn’t the sport for you in the first place.
The art of setting fat men on a collision course has been celebrated as far back as you care to remember.
The Japanese art of sumo wrestling is possibly the finest example. Sumo wrestlers are traditionally known for their great girth and body mass, however, superior technique and tactic has been seen to control, and defeat, much larger opponents. What more do you want in a sport – tradition, skill, technique, tactic… and fat blokes.
Think about it, we are on the cusp of something great.
In fact, one would only have to look back as far as the last two weekends to see a modern day equivalent. In the Wallabies first two Test matches against the British and Irish Lions, Benn Robinson has been packing against Adam Jones.
Forget Kurtley Beale’s ‘chip kicks’ and Christian Lealiifano’s ‘cut out passes’ – the real game’s being played worlds away from all of this rubbish.
Sure, the nappies may have been left until bedtime, but our very own ‘Sumo-style’ battle of attrition is taking place in our backyard, and it continues this weekend at the first knock on, or forward pass, of the final test match.
Chimney sweeping and caving are among the jobs I wouldn’t recommend for the larger chap, along with anything else involving a ladder or rope. I would also avoid giving them work with food, although McDonalds seems to have a different philosophy.
Any form of entertainment, using predominantly slow-twitch motor patterns, and minimal amounts of co-ordination, however, is a different story. It’s about time the Australian public appreciated this.
Every time this argument is brought to the table in this country, we are bombarded with dim-witted, uneducated views, throwing barbs at the scrum, and not appreciating its place in the game.
I would like to take the opportunity to point out to some of you, that if you remove the scrums from the game of rugby union, the end product is no longer rugby union.
I propose the following – lets dispose of the game of rugby union. Lets replace it with my concept, outlined above – competition scrummaging.
For all of you who would like a hybrid game without scrums, go and watch rugby league.
Problem solved!
Prop Dan Palmer is a fringe Wallaby, and currently plays for the Brumbies in Super Rugby. He is heading to France, where he’ll play for Grenoble in 2014. The Roar welcomes Dan with his first column on the site.
Chubbs_McGavin
Guest
It is largely unknown to players and followers of the modern game that rugby started off purely as a contest for forwards in opposition in line-outs, scrums, rucks and mauls. This pitted eight men of statuesque physique, supreme fitness and superior intelligence in packs against one another. In those days, the winner was the pack that won the most set pieces. The debasement of the game began when backs were introduced. This occurred because a major problem was where to locate the next scrum or line-out. Selecting positions on the ground for these had become a constant source of friction and even violence. The problem was resolved by employing forward rejects, men of small stature and limited intelligence, to run aimlessly around within the field of play. Following a set piece, the ball would be thrown to one of them, who would establish the next location either by dropping it or by throwing it to another reject for dropping. Very occasionally, a third reject would receive the ball before it would be dropped, and crowds would wildly cheer on these rare occasions. Initially these additional players were entirely disorganized but with the passing of time they adopted set positions. For instance, take the half-back. He was usually one of the smallest and least intelligent of the backs whose role was simply to accept the ball from a forward and to pass it on to one of the other rejects who would drop it, providing the new location for the forwards to compete. He could easily (given his general size) have been called a quarter forward or a ball monkey but then tolerance and compassion are the keys to forward play and the present euphemism was decided on. The five-eighth plays next to the half-back and his role is essentially the same except that when pressured, he usually panics and kicks the ball. Normally, he is somewhat taller and slightly better built than the half-back and hence his name. One-eighth less and he would have been a half-back, three-eighths more and he might well have qualified to become a forward. The centres were opportunists who had no expertise but wanted to share in the glamour associated with forward packs. After repeated supplication to the forwards for a role in the game they would be told to get out in the middle of the field and wait for instructions. Thus, when asked where they played, they would reply "in the centre". And they remain to this day, parasites and scroungers who mostly work as lawyers or used car dealers. You may ask, why wingers? The answer is simple. Because these were players who had very little ability and were the lowest in the backline pecking order, they were placed as far away from the ball as possible. Consequently, and because the inside backs were so diligent in their assigned role of dropping the ball whenever they received it, the main contribution to the game made by the winger was not to get involved. Their instructions were to run away as quickly as possible whenever trouble appeared, and to avoid tackles at all costs. The fact that the game was organised so that the wingers didn't get to touch the ball led to an incessant flow of complaints from them and eventually the apt description "whingers" was applied. Even though the "h" dropped off over the years, the whingeing itself unfortunately has not. Lastly, the full-back. This was the position given to the worst handler, the person least able to accept or pass the ball, someone who was always in the way. The name arose because the forwards would understandably become infuriated by the poor play invariably demonstrated by that person, and call out "send that fool back". He would then be relegated well out of everyone's way to the rear of the field. So there you have it. Let's return to the glory days of a contest between two packs of eight men of statuesque physique, supreme fitness and superior intelligence. The rest can go off to where they will be happier, playing soccer.
Got to agree with that, makes my heart swell with pride when someone really gets rugby.
ScrumJunkie
Guest
Best article of all time, followed by the best comment of all time.
ScrumJunkie
Guest
Used to love 'nudging' some poor bloke slightly to fat to play halfback, so ended up playing no.2.
DB
Guest
Great article. What will happen if you remove yhe contest at the scrum (or remove the scrum entirely?). No need for props so add two back row type players in their place. What happens with these 2 more mobile players being present on the pitch? Even less space for attackers as defensive systems will be even more organised. In time what will the next experiment be? Why not remove 2 players.....while we're at it, why dont were just merge with League altogether!! The scrum, and round props like adam jones etc give the game of rugby union its very structure. Forget the technically minded guys like myself who actually enjoy watching the set piece, too much tinkering will affect try scoring as well. I do agree there are currentky too many resets but the scrum must stay.
ANON69
Guest
Who wouldn't want to see a Fat fella running 100 meters in 60 seconds and trying a drop goal or an intercept. Matt Dunning where are you?
John
Guest
If scottmit thinks the playbook was limited in State of Origin I would love to know what he thought of the playbook in the Lions matches 1 and 2. Combine both tests and you still wouldnt get a quarter of what was on show in either of the State of Origin matches.
jeznez
Roar Guru
It's alright though Peter, we bury him with beer and steak which leaves him in a food coma and us free to get on with packing scrums.
jeznez
Roar Guru
Mate we get the doom and gloom merchants all the time. This article celebrates a fantastic compotent of the game. Plenty of other articles bemoaning the state of the game and seeking to save it or having blokes wanting to wash their hands of it - this comment would go well on one of those. In the meantime I am reminded of a tale told to me (Ithink about Graham Rowntree). He was asked about his top ten plays of all time in rugby and he answered, "I can tell ou about the top 100 and they are all scrums!"
jeznez
Roar Guru
Ha ha, as long as it only almost sounds like one! I figured people might want to hear how the other Tahs players went so occasionally glanced at what the pretty boys were doing.
It isn't a head but, a is merely a skull nudge.
strupper2003
Guest
+1 to dan palmer for a great article and ajaz for a great post
ScrumJunkie
Guest
That's because you were a back masquerading as a forward. Not many wingers enjoy getting head butted. Thick skulled fat blokes love it.
p.Tah
Guest
We know that inside every fat man there is an outside back waiting to getting out. Just ask Benny Alexander. Too many tries for a front row forward ;)
Al
Guest
Agree, Funniest article ever on Roar. Scrums are great - it's those Refs who ruin it!
carnivean
Roar Rookie
That almost sounds like an attempt to analyse back play?
sam
Guest
Keep your head in the sand for all I care but scrumaging is the least of rugbys problems.
jeznez
Roar Guru
No Sam you have it wrong. People who don't love scrums leave comments that are drawn out, boring and painful to read (and largely off topic).
Sam
Guest
There is good reason the vast majority of the Australian public 'doesn't appreciate' or in the common elitist perspective 'can't understand' rugby. It is drawn out, boring and the scrums are quite literally painful to watch. I played rugby throughout my whole years and high school and I can tell you, I get it. I get the fasnication with the scrum, and the 'contest'. However, the quality of rugby is so low in Australia because of the archaic talent pool you have to choose from. If you can honestly say JOC is rugby's best half in your game something is seriously seriously wrong. With outside backs you CAN compare codes and the quality is shocking and there to see in comparsion to league. You don't have to be a genius, a private schoolboy or a scholar to 'appreciate' rugby union. The best rugby players are athletes from across the ditch, many of whom are not that intelligent or didn't come from great/affulent backgrounds. The real travesty about rugby, is that is a great game in many regards but the best kids (from the majority of society which exists out of Sydney and Brisbanes private schools) simply don't get a chance to play unless 'gifted the honor' to play via a scholarship. Quite simply, rugby is fading away from the Australian culture, get with the times rugby or face your impending failure.
jeznez
Roar Guru
Hart had a strong game scoring a try. Volavola was dangerous every time he touched the ball but was probably a little guilty of taking on the line against a strong kick chase when a few times a simple clearing kick might have been a better option. Still hard t criticise when the scoreline wound up so dominant. Holloway was probably the disapointment for mine, pulled off one nice rip in the tackle but generally wasn't as strong in contact as I'd have expected at this level. He is young though and in his first professional year, hopefully he develops.