When commenting on the behaviour of others, I am always a little bit wary. I’m well aware that as I am not a normal person, I am in no position to judge the normality or otherwise of others.
But occasionally, people choose to act in ways so bizarre and at odds with reason that even I gain the confidence to stand up and cry, “this ain’t quite right.”
Now, Mad Monday is a time for footballers to ‘blow off steam’, to throw off the exhaustion and restraint of a gruelling season and relax a bit, have some fun, engage in a revelry of what inevitably will be a raucous and possibly risque kind.
But surely neither ‘blowing off steam’ nor raucous revelry include, as a necessary component, the setting of other people on fire?
I’m not even commenting on the stature of the gentleman involved in the St Kilda brouhaha. The point isn’t the physical characteristics of the non-footballing citizens who got caught up in this fun little game: the point is that a group of grown men, thrown together to have fun and kick back in the company of friends, decided the best way to do this would be to set each other alight.
Please think about that for a moment. If perchance a St Kilda footballer is actually reading this, I urge you to take a few days if need be, to really let it sink in.
Because I don’t care about the stature, size, athletic prowess, gender, sexual preference, race, colour or creed of those involved, when a person considers the act of setting another person on fire to be a form of recreation, I am going out on a limb and saying, that is simply not normal.
Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t really go out clubbing much, so maybe I’m just unaware that young fellows everywhere are having good clean fun with matches every night of the week.
But I don’t think so. And the reason I don’t think so is that setting people on fire is an insane thing to do.
It’s not the act of a healthy young adult. It’s the act of someone with large amounts of shrapnel lodged in their brain. It’s the act of someone who’s been drinking lead paint since the age of two.
It’s not just that it’s bad behaviour: it’s psychotic, surrealistically mental behaviour. It’s not just that it brings the game into disrepute: it’s that it makes the game liable to be involuntarily admitted to an institution.
So when I look toward the fine footballers of St Kilda, I ask, “What is wrong with you?”
And that’s not rhetorical, I genuinely want to know what quirk of brain chemistry or industrial accident brought about the behavioural disorder that causes one to form and then act on the thought, “Hmm, maybe it would be fun if I could set some people on fire today”.
I mean, say a sportsperson punches someone in a pub, Davey Warner style. Terrible behaviour, but at least I get it. I’ve at least experienced the desire to punch someone before – it’s a human instinct that seems fathomable. But I’ve never experienced the desire to light anyone up. Of any height.
It’s just not normal, guys. And although neither is being a professional footballer, of course, it’d be nice if off-field our sporting heroes made some effort to at least act like normal human beings, instead of drunken mischief demons.
So I humbly request that our sporting community tries to be a bit less ludicrous in future. To help towards this end, here is a list of other things that are not normal:
– Public urination.
– Beating up your girlfriend.
– Receiving oral pleasure from a dog.
– Taking photographs of yourself receiving oral pleasure from a dog.
– Not knowing what the strange man is injecting you with.
– Rape.
– Burglary.
– Playing for Manly.
– Advertising Swisse vitamins.
Is that quite clear? We all good now? Are we ready to begin lives as normal, sane grown-ups?
OK good.
Matthew Skellett
Guest
Actually I posted a comment expressing my disgust about this incident about which was reported as if the poor dwarf was less than a human being -an animal no less but for some strange reason my comment was expunged
Brad
Guest
The victim mentality runs strong in soccer circles doesn't it. This incident has been plastered all over the news for days - it's not like theres been some sinister cover up.
Penster
Guest
I believe that if you do something well, you should do it often. Obviously an element in St Kilda live by this maxim - they're simply awesome at being criminal d!ckhe@ds and playing rubbish football. I've amended that to: if you do something *worthwhile* you should do it often.
AL
Guest
Did anyone just see the so called "apology" by St Kilda to their fans??? I have been taught that when you apologies you do it without defience and arrogance. AFL BS spin lives on.
AL
Guest
Yes ike Melbourne Demons where fined for not tanking. Like Essendon where fined for not cheating. That Essendon player who won the Brownlow comes out and says he was injected with an illegal substance and no one in the AFL world or AFL administration does anything. So why was Essendon given penalties by the AFL and demoted to 9th place? For "bringing the game into disrepute", exactly how did they do this? "Governance issue" what does that mean. Hird apologies but hes done nothing wrong? But hey the finals are on and everything is OK.
heart of sydney
Guest
If you were to post an unsubstantiated and unreferenced claim on Wikipedia about the numbers involved in a significant historical event such as the Inquisition you would find that it would be removed fairly sharpish. As a point of fact the total number of victims killed given in the Spanish Inquisition article is between 3000 and 5000. If you have a properly referenced estimate of 1000 please post it there - you will be welcomed with open arms.
Stavros
Guest
"Treat the Essendon drugs scandal as though it didn't exist" - where have you been for the last 7 months? And Essendon didn't cheat, so you might want to do some research there.
TheBeautifulGame
Roar Pro
Lighting flares is way more serious and deserves more media attention than some larrakins lighting' some bloke up IMO.
AL
Guest
Both codes AFL & NRL on the verg of exploding in drugs scandles, and other horrendes 'scandles some are allegations . Yet both codes are carring on like nothing has happened. All the pro eggball media treat some of this e.g. burning people as 'political correctness going over the top' I kid you not. Most in AFL treat the Essendon drugs scandle as though it does not exist. They the manager/coach of Carlton if he felt he go the spot in the top ten out of luck. Not that the other team left out CHEATED. The AFL in particular treat their fans as mugs the way they handled the Essendon situation.
Radelaide
Guest
Say goodbye to St Kilda.
Aussie in London
Guest
WHAT!!! I thought this was a p*ss take when I read your comment Franko, but then went to Google news.... I am astounded. How could anyone do this? the AFL identity was heard to say: "a wheelchair retard, you beauty.'' What the f*ck is happening?
Radelaide
Guest
You forgot to mention showing your head in public for 6 mths after a 119 pt grand final loss. (People seem to think that one will never get old).
Gezza
Guest
Like the Dockers last week?
Thank Goddard
Guest
Franko you don't see much good in the world do you...shakes head twice
Lazza
Guest
Wikipaedia is not a reliable source. Any idiot can post anything on there. Where did they get their 'estimates' from? It could have been 1000 instead of 100 now that I think about it. It's been a while since I read that article from a prominent historical site. The point is that it's been greatly exaggerated by English propagandists. Spain was a great empire at the time and England a poor pirate nation.
Graham
Guest
Wikipaedia estimates between 3000 and 5000 put to death by the Spanish Inquisition. Another source estimates 135,000 died as a result of the inquisition (both medieval and Spanish), most of whom (125,000) died in prison, and the remaining 10,000 executed. During the same period an estimated 60,000 people in Europe were executed for witchcraft I think you've been using the wrong propagandists
Graham
Guest
Once, many years ago, I was charged with urinating in public. I was in a hotel car park, which contained four cars, three of which were parked against a wall, and belonged to my friends. The other was thirty metres away. It was around two in the morning and as we were leaving I felt the need to go. As the others climbed into the cars, I stood in front of one car and as a harmless jape, decided to pee on the bonnet of the car. The owner, joining in the fun, turned his headlights on, just as around the corner came the headlights of a car. I hurriedly finished, and tucked myself away as the car approached and revealed itself as a police car. The police disembarked and approached me. Everything was going well until one of my friends approached and started questioning their parentage and explaining quite vociferously, that they had no right to touch me because it was a private car park. The policemen were becoming a little annoyed and one of them wandered off to investigate the other car. After a minute or so a guy and a girl emerged from the car, hastily putting on clothing. They followed the policemen back to our little group, at which point the policeman suggested to the couple that they must have seen me urinating and were undoubtedly shocked and offended by it. At which point he turned to me and asked for my name and address. So you see, attempting to urinate privately, doesn't necessarily carry much weight
Franko
Guest
The assault may come from the alleged kebab thrown at the alleged victim. (joins in shaking head)
Swampy
Guest
Brilliant!
Paul
Guest
Gunna be a few 000 calls from Etihad for Aints games for the next few years then. Still not sure what Montagna was doing booking dwarves as entertainment for their Mad Monday "celebrations". Lucky Snow White didn't turn up too, given the respect some Saints show to women. Great list Ben, pity adults need to have these things clarified.