The Roar launches Senate ticket for 2016 election: get on board!

The result of Saturday’s Federal election, in particular the make-up of the Senate, has provoked bemusement and outrage on the part of many.

A number of minor parties with no profile, and a miniscule percentage of first preference votes, seem likely to hold the balance of power in the Senate come July next year.

Of most interest to Roar readers is the likelihood Wayne Dropulich of the Australian Sports Party will gain a seat.

His core platform initially seemed positive for Australian sports followers, however a closer examination suggests his policies fall more into the sphere of recreation, and far short of satisfying most Roar readers.

As a result, while hinting at better outcomes for sport, this actually represents a missed opportunity for the hardcore sports enthusiasts who populate these pages.

Hence the official launch of ‘The Roar Party’, Australia’s first political party for the betterment of real sport in Australia.

Let’s face it, if it’s good enough for ‘The brick with eyes’, plus an unemployed bogan who dacks his mates on camera to represent us in parliament, it’s surely good enough for rational, cool heads like Oikee and Johnno to do the same on our behalf.

Because these are very early days in the history of the party, our policies are still at the formative stage, however – as the self-appointed patron – I’m happy to outline some key elements of The Roar Party manifesto:

HTFU policy
Prior to consideration for selection, all prospective Wallaby forwards and Australian cricket fast bowlers are required to undertake consecutive, full-time, six-monthly apprenticeships as underground coal pit workers, south coast fishing trawler deckhands and Splashdown public toilet cleaners.

Immigration/Resettlement policy
Manus Island detention centre to be immediately cleared of all boatpeople to make way for the permanent detention of Phil Kearns and Greg Martin.

OH and S policy
All teams indulging in Mad Monday events to provide a minimum of two certified operational fire extinguishers.

In the event that any person of short stature is set on fire as a result of providing deficient entertainment value, the fire must be extinguished within five seconds of said short person being set alight.

Stadiums policy
For all Australian sports venues, full strength beer to be reinstated, and the percentage of actual chicken in chicken nuggets to be raised from current trace elements to a minimum of 5.0%.

Australian values policy
State of Origin rugby league to reinstate ‘bring back the biff’ rules.

Jared Waerea-Hargreaves and Steve Matai to be issued with temporary naturalism papers to make them eligible on a ‘free agent’ basis – they can choose themselves who they play for and, if desired, switch sides mid-way through the series. Or mid-match. Or mid-fight.

Euthanasia policy
Australian tennis. Dead, buried and cremated.

Development policy
Immediate implementation of an exhaustive talent identification program aimed at developing a competent Socceroo goalkeeper to replace Mark Schwarzer in time for the 2026 World Cup.

Finance policy
All Roar punters to qualify for one ‘mulligan’ every Saturday, where a losing bet of their own discretion is immediately refunded.

If the bet is placed with an organisation with a connection to Tom Waterhouse, the refund shall be two times the amount wagered.

Press censorship policy
All media, including The Roar, to be forbidden from making any reference to Quade Cooper – good, bad or indifferent.

Textiles policy
Sporting dickheads, as determined by a vote of Roar readers, to be compelled to wear Ricky Nixon-style underpants on their head when in public (don’t worry Blake, it won’t cover up any of your tatts and you’re still allowed to wear your shades).

Communications policy
All sportsmen, plus David Warner’s brother, to be prohibited from operating a Twitter account.

Health policy
All school sports teams to attend a ‘healthy living’ workshop conducted by leading sports science guru Stephen Dank.

Schools will be encouraged to make their own individual sponsorship deals with needle supply companies.

Entrepreneur policy
Fat blokes with more money than sense to be prohibited from owning sports teams, racehorses or golf courses.

Truth in advertising policy
All sporting organisations to be required to accurately portray themselves.

For example the Parramatta Eels would be liable for fines for falsely claiming to be a professional rugby league side, but the ‘Cheap Seats’ podcast team would not be fined, as their name correctly represents their product.

Workplace policy
The over-zealous staff member at Melbourne’s AAMI Park to be put on notice that his days of stopping Rebels fans from sneaking from $25 seats into the empty $40 area are numbered.

Mate, you’re good, but we’ve got some new tactics for next season that will blow you out of the water.

Plus we know where you live…

Besides stitching up dodgy preference deals and rorting the system, the key to winning Senate seats is to be up front and honest with the Australian people. Be straighter with them than a Nathan Hauritz off-spinner.

With this suite of policies, we will ensure all Australians know what we stand for and how this makes for a better society.

Unlike the Wallabies, who blame new scrum laws and incompetent adjudication for their demise, but who seemingly do sweet FA to actually help themselves, we will accept responsibility for shaping our own destiny, and bring into law the policies which suit us.

So get on board with The Roar Party now. All donations gratefully accepted.