Thugs, diggers and ninjas: the villains of the south

An objective and considered look at rugby’s biggest villains reveals why Aussies are called Diggers and the Springboks thugs…then there’s the intriguing, but barely noticeable irony in the All Blacks’ pioneering slippery jersey technology.

Esteemed rugby writer Spiro Zavos occasionally (about twice a day) refers to the Springboks as being thugs who play thugby, so I thought it was only fair that we have an objective look at the evidence.

Springbok thugs
The word ‘thug’ is actually derived from ‘Thuggee’.

The Thuggees were an ancient gang/cult of organised assassins who roved old India for hundreds of years, killing and robbing in the name of Kali – the Hindu goddess associated with violence, sexuality and (more recently) empowerment.

Apparently each gang of Thuggees had a hierarchy, including a lookout (eye-popping Zane Kirchner under the high ball?), a getaway person (Bryan Habana?) and a hitman (Bakkies Botha?).

At first glance the evidence seems to stack up, but according to recent revisionist findings of expert historians (says the very authoritative Wikipedia), Thuggees were actually (wait for it) a British invention.

The Brits apparently invented the myth of Thuggees to help the Empire tighten their hold over the Indian colony by striking fear into the hearts of the locals.

Thuggees are actually a figment of the imagination!

Clearly, stories of Springbok thuggery are all invention. A figment of the imagination, a fairytale, a cunning political plot devised by Imperialist British IRB types, and their favourite colonialists (Australia), to tighten their hold on Super Rugby and The Rugby Championship.

If you don’t believe me, look to Monsieur Romain Poite.

Did he not witness a perfectly imaginary no-arms tackle by Bismarck du Plessis on Dan Carter?

Even Spiro saw the imaginary incident, and we know that he has a more fertile imagination than most.

And what about that elbow in the throat of Liam Messam?

I think we can all agree that Mr Messam’s Hollywood impersonation was so shaky, he was surely the victim of an overactive imagination.

When you think about it, the whole imagination thing fits when it comes to the Springboks because I think most Australians view Saffas as “mythical, cave-dwelling beings depicted in folklore as either a giant or a dwarf, typically having a very ugly appearance” (definition of a troll, via Wikipedia).

I can’t blame them. One look at Johan Le Roux, Adri Geldenhuys, Wickus van Heerden, Moaner Van Heerden and Gary Pagel makes it hard to argue with the definition.

All Black ‘ninjas’
Is it any coincidence that the All Blacks wear all black and conduct a detailed, choreographed martial arts kata before a game, ending with a dramatic ‘chi’ through barred teeth?

The All Blacks must surely be the ultimate ninjas of world rugby – Teflon-coated, slippery as eels, their crimes unseen, unpunished.

How else would you explain the abilities of Tana Umaga and Kevin Mealamu to spear tackle Brian O’Driscoll in the kind of perfect synchronicity that only highly trained professionals can achieve?

They ended his tour right in front of the referee, and nobody saw it! A crowd of 40,000 Kiwis, a referee and two assistant referees… Even Tana says he didn’t see Keven on the other side, doing the same thing!

To strengthen the case against these ninjas still further, I point to the fact that the incident was even missed by the Kiwi-operated television cameras.

It was only when contraband camcorder footage taken by a fan (probably Irish) came to light, that the slick ‘hit’ was exposed.

Even then, officials were so confused they had to label the evidence of that tape as ‘inconclusive’.

(Some ninjas are rumoured to carry handbags, including Sensei Umanga, but such a phenomenon is yet to be sighted.)

If you doubt the evidence of the All Blacks’ ninja prowess, I draw your attention to Brad Thorne.

This particular sensei managed to spear tackle Springbok captain John Smit right in front of referee Stu Dickinson, who completely missed the hit even though he was two feet away and staring right at it.

Perhaps because a Springbok was involved he thought he imagined it?

The only reason All Black Richard Loe got caught was because he chewed into a fellow ninja when surrounded by dozens of other ninjas. He was also convicted in a ninja court – takes one to catch one I guess.

The fact that the All Blacks’ pioneered slippery skintight jersey technology says it all.

But if any doubt remains, observe how grand sensei Richie McCaw is able to slip in and out of rucks like an eel – and from right under the feet of referees – without ever being spotted.

I could have sworn I saw a black clad ninja make Patrick Lambie fly in the Eden Park Test when he tackled the young lad in the air, but nobody seems to have seen it except myself – not even the citing commissioner.

Australian Diggers
Finally, we look to the Diggers, whom it turns out (disappointingly) are by far the cleanest of the three.

The name Diggers is derived from the fact that many Australians in World War I were miners – or that they were very quick, or good, at digging dugouts.

Despite the penchant of some Australian sportsmen to conduct cavity searches during a game, I don’t think the term has anything to do with that.

Diggers actually relates to the Wallabies front row. They’re so eager to begin digging that at the moment the referee shouts “set!”, they hit the deck and start burrowing as if their lives depended on it.

I’ve actually seen one pack march over another in a scrum, but what I wouldn’t give to see the Wallaby pack march out from underneath the opposition just once in my life.

Talk about starting from ground zero, building from the ground up…

Actually, the only real villain of Aussie rugby I could find was Steve Finnane, who king-hit young Auckland lock Alan Craig (among a couple of others).

In conclusion:

– The Aussies emerge (literally) smelling of roses when it comes to dirty play. Thus, of all three nations, they really are the only ones who can point any fingers.
– Kiwis can fly. They’ve been flying under the radar for years.
– And to be brutally honest, the Boks (it breaks my heart to say) do have the worst record for foul play in the South (I think the Welsh are worse, but they’re from up North so they don’t count as real rugby players).

If the Boks continue to bully other teams, the opposition should consider using a tactic practiced by public speakers when they need to cope with extreme nerves.

That is, they can overcome the Bok intimidation tactics by closing their eyes (during play) and picture the Boks stark naked.

Ah, hold on, I think that’s already been done. Something about Kamp Staldraad and foxholes…