From the moment referee Ashley Klein was forced to pick himself up off the Holiday Inn’s waxy reception floor, it became quite clear that the possibility of losing the Rugby League World Cup final was something that Australia had failed to plan for in 2008.
While the almost Monstars-style favouritism of the Kangaroos in that particular tournament could explain the oversight by team management, with the current Kiwis squad quickly becoming the best ever to have been assembled in the black n white, it is unlikely that Australia will be similarly unprepared if their fate in the RLWC2013 final mirrors that of five years ago.
For you see while many in Australia were sort of alright to “take one for the team” and let New Zealand have a win for the good of the game etc in 2008, losing the World Cup final to the same team again after five years of stewing over it like a Greg McCallum 1990s forward pass call would be akin to Def Con 4 for the Australian rugby league.
Hence, it’s come to my attention that there exists a ready to go plan hidden in Jamie Olejnik’s shorts at rugby league central in Sydney should the Kangas come a cropper at Old Trafford.
The plan is simple – we ban all New Zealanders from the NRL.
For far too long now Australian rugby league has been piggybacking around New Zealand, and how have they repaid us?
I’ll tell you how, by being like your goofy mate who can only beat you at pool when there is a large crowd of attractive women watching you.
By embarrassing us at precisely the wrong moment on the world stage, that’s how.
Now this step may sound like a technical impossibility, given the amount of New Zealand players currently in the NRL and the legalities of Trans-Tasman Visa arrangements.
However, by taking a few small steps they’d practically ban themselves.
Firstly, and most obviously we boot the Warriors out of the comp.
Shouldn’t be too hard really, the powers that be have managed to construct a set of completely unknown criteria for keeping teams out of the competition for the last decade, surely making up some to boot a side out shouldn’t be that hard.
Either that or just not give them any free-to-air games or exposure in the rugby league media and they should disappear by themselves soon enough.
Secondly the Auckland Rugby League Nines tournament must be moved.
Greater Western Sydney is crying out for more rugby league games and would welcome the tournament with open arms, and I hear you haven’t seen rugby league until you’ve watched a match in the midday sun at Penrith in February.
Or finally, have the NRL amend its uniform code, whereby the only acceptable player tattoos must either be Southern Crosses or deeply naff ‘Such is Life’ style motivational quotes, with anything resembling an artistic family or tribal orientated tat earning a player immediate de-registering.
Following through with the above will help to bring back the ‘purity’ of the NRL (not INRL you might notice) and help ensure that Australian rugby league isn’t again made to look stupid by our smart arse little brother.
Granted, things might be a little bit less exciting in the NRL with no Shaun Johnson, Isaac Luke or Sonny Bill Williams running around, but are we not willing to pay that price for glory in Cape Town in 2017?
I thought not.
And while we’re on the topic of exiting players, those Burgess fellas…
Owen Ashby
Roar Rookie
The better team can never lose, The better team is, by definition , the team that finishes with the most points. Unless we have the outcome of games decided by a panel of experts.
Glenn Innes
Guest
Indeed lets expand on the World Cup - New Zealand has much stronger historical ties to Nations like Samoa Tonga and Fiji than Australia whilst Australia has had much more influence in PNG. What was the result of all of that - League is the National sport of PNG while the game was virtually unheard of in Tonga Samoa Fiji up until a decade ago.So what was New Zealands contribution to the game in the pacific for nearly a century - answer SWEET FA.
Glenn Innes
Guest
Killaku - You obviously inhabit a planet other than earth.Australia has about 300 000 registered players New Zealand about 25 000. The New Zealand National side benifits from kids either born in Australia to Kiwi parents or grew up in Australia after their parents migrated here. The truth is if these kids had stayed in New Zealand most of them would be playing Union rather than League.The Australian junior League system makes a huge contribution to the Kiwi national side.How many of the current Kiwi side played ALL their junior League in Australia?How many of the current Australian side played their junior League in New Zealand - answer none. As for the idea that Rugby League in Australia would be nothing without Kiwis you do realise Rugby League has been the dominant winter sport in Queensland and New South Wales since the end of World War one and for most of that time prospered with virtually no Kiwis playing here. The truth is if the Warriors collapsed tommorrow it would have minimal effect on the games poularity in Australia but it sure would be a major setback for the sport in New Zealand.In fact without Australia the sport would be just about dead in New Zealand imagine no Warriors no Tests against Australia - how much publicity would it get over there against the All Black juggernaut?. Indeed if the sport died tommorow in England and New Zealand do you really think Australian League fans would say "thats it I am off to the Rugby" of course they wouldn't they don't like Rugby (unlike most kiwis who prefer it) they like League and the NRL and the teams they support would all still be there. Phil Gould is spot on no nation contributes as much for the international game as Australia.Indeed this World Cup simply could not happen without Australia there wouldn't be enough players.-
Glenn Innes
Guest
Killaku - You obviously inhabit a planet other than earth.Australia has about 300 00 registered players New Zealand about 25 000. The New Zealand National side benifits from kids either born in Australia to Kiwi parents or grew up in Australia after their parents migrated here. The truth is if these kids had stayed in New Zealand most of them would be playing Union rather than League.The Australian junior League system makes a huge contribution to the Kiwi national side.How many of the current Kiwi side played ALL their junior League in Australia.How many of the current Australian side played their junior League in New Zealand - answer none. As for the idea that Rugby League in Australia would be nothing without Kiwis you do realise Rugby League has been the dominant winter sport in Queensland and New South Wales since the end of World War one and for most of that time prospered with virtually no Kiwis playing here. The truth is if the Warriors collapsed tommorrow it wouldhave minimal effect on the games poularity in Australia but it sure would be a major setback for the sport in New Zealand.
Glenn Innes
Guest
Killaku - You obviously inhabit a planet other than earth.Australia has about 300 00 registered players New Zealand about 25 000. The New Zealand National side benifits from kids either born in Australia to Kiwi parents or grew up in Australia after their parents migrated here. The truth is if these kids had stayed in New Zealand most of them would be playing Union rather than League.The Australian junior League system makes a huge contribution to the Kiwi national side.How many of the current Kiwi side played ALL their junior League in Australia.How many of the current Australian side played their junior League in New Zealand - answer none. As for the idea that Rugby League in Australia would be nothing without Kiwis you do realise Rugby League has been the dominant winter sport in Queensland and New South Wales since the end of World War one and for most of that time prospered with virtually no Kiwis playing here. The truth is if the Warriors collapsed tommorrow it wouldhave minimal effect on the games poularity in Australia but it sure would be a major setback for the sport in New Zealand.
davo
Guest
It was a tour set up by 3 Australians though, another guy from NZL i cant remember hes name, set the team up to tour Britain, but 3 Australians set up the matches In Sydney
davo
Guest
I hope you're joking
guru
Guest
let me tell you way back in 1907 the kiwis became the 2nd international team to play league when they travelled to briton. On the way they played a game of Union against nsw cause RL was non existent in Australia. So of they went with a extra passenger by the name Daly Messenger . Daly Messenger the icon of Rugby League in Australia first played for the kiwis in a great britain tour. When he came back to sydney and with disfatication amongst union players , rugby league was introduced . So it goes to say that history reflects that kiwis helped create the game in australia. Daly Messenger was a kiwi player before he became a kangaroo rep. BAAAAAA Baaaaaa go the kiwis
Nabley
Guest
It was always pretty obvious from NZ when I lived there 20yrs ago, that whenever a NZ Aust RL Test was coming up, key Kiwi players in the NRL or whatever it was called then, would get reported in the weeks leading up to the game, so they were under suspension. I do not think NZRL would mind a brainless rule that banned them. It would improve NZ chances.
Emric
Guest
Another 100 million to the nzru then
Clyde Monk
Roar Rookie
I think you are giving the Kiwis a little too much credit there Ritchie. The coffee machine isn't that simple to operate and requires several steps.
Silky
Guest
Ritchie, I think you're giving Kiwis a little too much credit there. It's a difficult process making coffee, and has several steps.
SAVAGE
Guest
Well, NZ is a group of islands in the Pacific Ocean. They have more claim to the pacific than you lot do. In fact if anyone was trying its hardest to claim PIs it's you lot.
Ra
Guest
spoken like a true 'L' plater Rick. But your naivety wont safe you from here on in. The great Wally Lewis intimated the same thing as you said here before the 2008 finals. That was like fuel to the fire. Everybody in league know that Aussie holds a playing capacity of 20 plus - 1 over the Kiwi player roster at all levels at home. There are probably more Kiwis and our PI cousins playing domestic league in Aussie than there are back home, and Aussie is keen to keep them on your player roster. Therefore, an Aussie victory should ALWAYS be assured - right ??????? The green and golds weren't complacent at the last cup. They are too professional for that. They were just simply out mongrelled and out 'lucky bounced', but the better team won on the night. How anyone can say this Kiwis team is better than the 2008 is just amateurish. They have the title, world champions, 3Nations & 4Nations champions behind their names. These guys have got "rookie" behind their. Just last weekend, England proved that the better team can also lose. And we'll take that one. Individual brilliance and opportunism are part of this game too. We welcome the opportunity for a Kiwis XIII to play regular annual games against the Maroons and the Blues. It can't be SOO because that is the Kangaroos selection trial matches. But if we get as much opportunity for our spine to operate together as your guys do against the same quality opposition, then we might start to seriously consider consistent victories over Aussie roos. The England game was good for us. We are the small dog, the mongrel Chihuahua Foxie cross with a dash of pitbull. You guys are the flashy stylish German shepherds. We have the bone, you buggers want it back. Lets see if we got the same mongrel as our last world cup heroes. For us its not about capability.
Muzz
Guest
Big Jarred Waerea Hargreaves loves his skinny latte's down at Skinny Dipps Cafe Bondi and generally sits near a mirror.
Mosman Kuzzy
Guest
But then who would be left to pick on your sons at school an pump your daughters ? Coffee ? As if a kiwi would be working in a cafe , thats for u Aussie metro sexaul selfie taken Justin Bieber haircut type - u know your every day Aussie bloke these days
Snoop
Guest
The reality is RL isn't a true global sport like Union where the top 6 teams have equal chance of winning a WC, it's always going to be a Aus-NZ final with the odd chance of GB so RL would take a backwards step getting rid of NZ.
killaku
Guest
Eaglejack,You better hope so,I still think we got the wood on your forwards but aside from GI i don't see no threats but only Saturday will tell.But good luck for the final
Muzz
Guest
Nice light hearted article Chardy, As an Aussie i look at the Kiwi's as our Brothers.....Beating England in the Cricket on the weekend was SO SO satisfying but beating a Kiwi side with players that are in our NRL clubs doesn't quite feel the same....I hope its a great spectacle and we just win. The NRL is so much more exciting with the kiwi flare. Didn't big mouth Gus Gould make a stupid comment about there being too many Polynesians in the NRL?? What a goose!!!
Simoc
Guest
So bet your house on them. Or sell the neighbours barking dog if you're in a rental. Either way the Ozs are a sure thing, like Phar Lap. They can't afford to lose so won't.