If the NRL are serious about maintaining their emerald ornament of unpredictable rugby league played at sub-zero temperatures, they will man up and do something to help the Canberra Raiders.
After enjoying the fine literature of my fellow Roarers in the past couple of days, it’s obvious we all know what’s up with the nation’s capital – due to a kangaroo plague and the closure of the Canberra Cannons, the old grey mare just ain’t what she used to be.
Nope, not even legalised porn and fireworks can convince young men to pack up and move there, and it’s becoming a large wart of an issue.
The Raiders hierarchy has tried everything from boosting their financial offers to boosting them even more, and yet they still they remain loveless.
So with this grand club drowning before our very eyes among serviceable country footballers and twilighting fogies, David Smith must come to the party with CPR forthwith.
After personally conducting an investigation, it has come to light that nobody at league headquarters has any idea what to do, so here’s some free advice from a humble follower without a speck of business acumen. Pens at the ready, people.
Why doesn’t the governing body provide the friendless Raiders with some additional fiscal clout in the form of an AFL-style cost of living allowance?
I know David Smith and his fat cats would rather saw off a pinkie with a butter knife before copy-catting the COLA from their biggest rival, but in this case they’ll have to swallow their pride as the idea is awesome, plus I’ve already given it a name.
Yes, this boomer of a fix has a spanking title created in the spirit of originality and a good fizzy drink pun. I call her the COCA: the Cost of Canberra Allowance. Beauty, isn’t she?
For those unaware of the AFL version, this leg-up is an additional slice of salary cap room created by departing dictator Andrew Demetriou and granted to the game’s Sydney branches in the Swans and Giants.
At the time of establishment, he said it was to assist their players to deal with the exorbitant cost of parking and corkage fees in the uber-steep harbour city, but in the end it just manifested in a surplus of gun players and negligent driving charges.
The same deal should be applied by the NRL to Canberra to assist firstly with attracting employees, and secondly to deal with the shortcomings of their surroundings, such as the lack of a coastline, the low babes-per-capita count, and Ricky Stuart.
Let’s be honest, it’s a bloody excellent equaliser. There’s even proof to back it up.
Scientific studies of the AFL’s allowance show that it guarantees at least one premiership and a newfound hatred from the entire state of Victoria, so it’s a win-win situation.
All that would need to be nutted out is the finer details. How do you quantify the actual cost of Canberra? What amount is enough to turn a blind eye to six months a year of icy spuds?
Let’s use the James Tedesco situation as a starting point and then hopefully someone else can apply the lazy maths required from there on.
The Tiger-to-Raider-to-Tiger has made it clear that mateship, Parramatta Road and Campbelltown coffee is worth around $150k per year in comparison to waking up in Canberra every day for the next four years, so there’s a figure for David Smith’s abacus to chew on.
What about safeguarding the scheme against the Raider-prototype rogue footballer, who can’t keep his thirst levels under control and his name off the police radio? How do we make sure he doesn’t pick up the spoils in a settlement?
I’m glad you asked. The answer to that is easy peasy Terry Campese – you just make the additional slice of income payable in a lump sum at the completion of their contract period, pending confirmation that the player has not taken a squirt on someone’s head at the All Bar Nun hotel.
Problem solved. Thank me later.
Okay, in all seriousness, I acknowledge that this is a somewhat progressive ideal that may be seen as unfair in a cap-based competition, but what else can we do to save this great club?
Are we going to sit around and watch the disintegration of a rich heritage built on the frozen fingers of names like Furner, Meninga, Tongue, Gafa and Bulgarelli just because players want to give the location a wide berth at any cost?
No, we certainly are not. That’s why the game needs to throw good money after bad towards any greedy off-contract players in the sights of the Raiders, otherwise we may just lose this league stronghold to football or alpine skiing.
It’s a left-field solution, but it may just work. And besides, it’s way better than my other radical idea of merging the franchise with Cronulla and relocating it to Shelbyville.
So Roarers, does anyone else have any ideas on how to polish up the Raiders to make them more attractive to the footballer in the shop window?
Meesta Cool
Guest
A few years ago, Raiders management were saying that if Storm couldn't be self sufficient then there was no place in the league for them,, OMG, how quotes come back to bite!.
Mantis
Roar Guru
And you'd know that how? From going on an excursion to parliament house once?
Mantis
Roar Guru
Melbourne has got to be the nicest country town ive ever seen
Mantis
Roar Guru
100%. The Raiders need to clean house, starting with the board. Get rid of the Furners and McIntyres and start fresh. Then go through the players and cut all the dead weight. Brumbies were in a similar situation 3 or 4 years ago, cleaned house, got in a good coach, and were in the GF within 2 years. Theres no substitute for a good culture, and the Raiders haven't had that for years.
Mantis
Roar Guru
Id recommend not going to the hyperdome...
Steve
Guest
It's simply the Ricky Stuart factor. Last year no one wanted to sign with Parra whilst he was coach except Peats. Now its Canberras turn. He might've hoodwinked most of the media but not the players. Had nothing to do with Canberra. The only problem they've had is having 3 top class drunks come and go in Dugan, ferguson and Carney
john badseed
Guest
At least Souths realise Rusty can't coach.
Johnno
Guest
Canberra has some of the most ritzy suburbs in Australia. Ever been to Forest,Red-Hill,O'Malley to name a few there not cheap. And as for the cultral experience. Wow never knew playing in cold towns Ireland was so cultral. And up north in England cold too. Na I reckon eithr the young players are ignorant lacking in education about Canberra, or so petty and spoilt. Tedessco turned down big MONEY to go to Canberra. If Cowboys or Raiders or Knights, or Auckland offered me big cash, or the Illawarra steelers were still around I'd take it if i was playing. Pack of whingers some players. And there is plenty of westfield shopping malls in Canberra, and big shopping malls, go to Tuggeranong Hyperdome if you go to Canberra and watch Tuggeranong Vikings rugby game, it will be big enough for you.
Clint Woolston
Guest
Players the Raiders have lost over the past 5 years , Todd Carney , Josh Dugan , Blake ferguson , Sandor Earl... The list goes on and on but the point is , is that as much talent as these young men have , they all have a few common denominators. They are primadonna's they think they are bigger than the game and the club & they thought that playing for the Canberra Raiders was owed to them and not an honor. Everyone wants to blame Ricky Stuart & no one likes him , FYI nobody liked Russell Crowe before he turned up at the burrow and saved a proud foundation club that was a shot duck ! People talk about our crowd numbers dwindling with an average of about 10,000 the bunnies pre Crowe were flat out getting 6,000 to a game ! Ricky may not have the financial clout that old Rusty has but they do share something similar. An undying love and passion for the survival and success of there respective clubs! Ricky does not have the cattle at the moment , it is as simple as that ! Tedesco , Eniss , Proctor and Mansour all declined...Great i could not think of four bigger self centered wankers that i would not want at our proud club ! Give me a Jarod Croker or a Shaun Fensom over those clowns any day. Yes we need to recruit/retain quality players , but the right players ! There is no short term fix but i will keep the faith in our coach our fans and our community! 20 years ago we were winning comps , 20 years ago the bunnies were getting flogged and laughed at week in and week out. Our time will come again and it will be on the back of passionate people young and old that are driven to help and see this great club succeed.
Ur kidding
Guest
That ball was on the line.
Pete
Guest
See Johnno, no-one wants to go to Canberra. It's not about being a pro-athlete all the time, sometime they are humans, and humans hate bad smells and Canberra stinks
col in paradise
Guest
Ironically Bellamy is a club stalwart and great coach..... Ricky is a annoying prattle..raiders should pay through the nose for Bellamy and bring him home..and watch some good players follow and regional local talent stay
Andrew
Guest
hahahahaha...that craps me up! lol!
Santos
Guest
".... Ireland/Wales/scotland/Japan for the big money, along way from home, no complaints there." Of course no complaints there, because they earn BIG MONEY to go a place where they enjoy a cultural experience. Eventually the novelty factor wears off and they return home. But the key is MONEY - players who choose to spend a few years in English towns like Leeds, Salford, Bradford, Wigan are heavily financially compensated for any perceived reduction in their "quality of life" In 1994, the Raiders comprised 13 International / SOO Rep players (Brett Mullins, Ken Nagas, Mal Meninga, Ruben Wiki, Noa Nadruku, Laurie Daley, Ricky Stuart, Quentin Pongia, Steve Walters, John Lomax, David Furner, Jason Croker, Bradley Clyde). But in those days players didn't earn what they do today. When player salaries increase, they will naturally develop a desire to live in wealthy suburbs.
Wilson Flatley
Roar Rookie
There is now a quickly growing public perception that Ricky is a poor coach and that no one wants to play for him. I believe this is the case, but even if it were not, perception is everything. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy with every poor result the Raiders have. No new players, more poor results, more heat on RIcky, no new players... etc. He is a dead man walking.
Johnno
Guest
The pro sports man there not going to a place based on how good it's nightclubs are.If they are I wouldn't sign em, wrong priorities.
DubbleBubble
Guest
Isn't pot decriminilised in Canberra? The NRL shoudl take advantage of this and give a free pass to Raiders playes for punching cones .Lure young talent with promises of easy access to weed and fireworks.
Johnno
Guest
All this crap about the night life. Plenty of good restaruants in Canberra, and there's a few nightclubs. and a casino. But for a pro athlete is that his selection criteria, play in a city that has the best night clubs, wow if that's the case who'd want to sign them. Didn't know clubs were playing players who like going to nightclubs to 3am-5am in the morning that badly.
Andrew
Guest
It's very simple to remedy the raiders ordeal. Get rid of Ricky! I've had 2 brain injuries, but I even know the problem. Some of the board and mainly, Ricky Stuart.
SuperEel22
Roar Guru
I think the coach has more to do with it than anything. Players are finally realising that Stuart is all full of air.